1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Not-so-gender-fluid...

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by kondaharp, Aug 20, 2014.

  1. kondaharp

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2014
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Dundee
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I have identified as genderfluid for a good five or six years now, moving between male and female and everything in between in as small a length of time as a few days. I remember being really young and doing certain sports or taking up certain hobbies purely because "girls don't do that". I took up a number of martial arts and was used to being mistaken for a boy fairly often - but recently it seems to be less of a mistake.
    I had a pretty rough time at home, not because of orientation or identity, but my mother's partner was a toxic fellow. He'd worm his way into your head and try to destroy you from the inside out, he threw me into severe anxiety and then told me I was useless for not being able to do things or go places alone, etc, etc. I won't go into any more detail. He was evil and cruel and it pretty much destroyed my self-esteem. Even after I realized what he was doing and stopped giving him the time of day I had bouts of depression because he was still there, because my mum was still suffering him.
    It was around about this time, three years ago, that I first began to notice just how much more I leaned into a male version of myself. I cut off all my hair - not because it looked bad, it just wasn't me - and developed and named about eight different personas in my head for however I identified that day. Fast forward two years and only two of them remained, with a little inkling of a third agender character.
    Up until now I had always had a really slim, athletic figure, and my shoulders gave me that triangular shape which made it all the easier to pass. Unfortunately, in the process of leaving that house behind, I skipped the country and threw myself into loneliness, lost every ounce of muscle I had, and then slowly put on puppy fat. I am still quite slender, but now it's all soft curves and breasts and my face is about the only thing that can pass. I think that this is what has brought on recent dysphoria.
    I don't have a problem with identifying as male, other than the fact that I can be quite effeminate. My male side likes glitter and make-up and pretty clothes, but obviously with my build everyone clocks me as female and I spiral downwards again with the constant "she, she, she".
    I am terrified of surgery. I have investigated a little into top surgery, but the thought of that scares me because I do want to have children at some point (the carrying them inside me for 9 months terrifies me too, though) and would like to at least try breastfeeding. I don't want anyone going near downstairs with a blade, ever. I'll make do with prosthetics. Also, with how fluid my gender has been all my life, I am worried about deciding to transition and then suddenly getting a feminine few months, or, going back to the children side of things, being pregnant and having severe guy days.
    I am in a stable relationship with a cishet man. He has offered to get me binders and packers and everything needed to pass, and pretty much A-OKed everything except complete transition, which he seemed pretty torn about - which I am still pretty torn about.
    I think I am going to write up a training plan and get my athlete-juices flowing again. Hopefully getting back into the shape I was before and losing the excess fat off my chest will help lift some of the ugh.
    It is the first time I have ever come to settle on just one gender for such a long period of time. I don't know if it will shift again, or if this is it, but either way I'm pretty scared...
     
  2. Budweiser

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 14, 2014
    Messages:
    279
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Colorado, USA
    "gender identity" is something that has confused me since I've learned about it. Gender is the term for your physical state of being. Penis, or vagina (usually). It doesn't state how masculine or feminine you are. Most of what we know as "boy things" or "girl things" are actually just cultural influence, but we accept them as part of "gender" anyway. So when a boy grows up liking pink, suddenly he's not a boy. He's a genderqueer or an agender.

    However, he doesn't want surgery and doesn't mind his penis. His gender is male, males do not have to like blue to be male (using color as a simple example). Gender dystopia is a very real thing, but for some reason it's become a popular bandwagon to jump on. Really though, it would be like a person saying.. OK, I'm antisocial and good at math.. I must be autistic, but I don't actually qualify for the condition. I'll call myself autisticqueer!

    I'm very similar to you, or at least what you've written down here. I love my short hair and being called he, I also love to cross dress and I have several male characters and online personas I can identify with. I do have a vagina, and I do not wish to receive hormone treatment. Therefore, I am a female. Not usually a feminine one, though sometimes I am. Not a man or a women sometimes, just more what culture dictates is masculine and feminine. Although, I've noticed that a lot of those 'boy' and 'girl' traits are really just human traits.
     
  3. itsAli

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 24, 2014
    Messages:
    214
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Dorset
    Oh my god I know how you feel, I identified as Genderfluid for about two years, I sometimes had dysphoria and sometimes I didn't, I didn't mind being seen or identified as a girl.
    Two years later, I've just completed my first year at college and just came out publically as transgender
     
  4. kondaharp

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2014
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Dundee
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I agree with you completely on the cultural influence side of things, but it's not so much the being a masculine female that has me bothered. I suppose it could be an element of it as I've always challenged gender roles and am more comfortable being a masculine female, and when I'm actually dressed as a woman I feel more like a crossdressing male. I had thought a lot of it had to do with the depression and anxiety I was stuck in due to the situation I was living in a few years ago, but it has been over a year and a half now that I have been living out of that house and I am in a sound state of mind, content at least, with a handful of dear friends and a loving partner. Even after looking carefully at everything like gendered stereotypes and cultural influences, something just doesn't fit - I've always avoided gendering activities and hobbies because I've never understood nor agreed with the whole pink is for girls, blue is for boys, etc.
    As for being content with downstairs, it's not so much being completely okay with how it is as simply being terrified of it being surgically altered. I am really bad with dealing with change, I curl up and cry when I'm doing something as little as moving apartment even when everything is planned out and on schedule months beforehand. I also have a huge loss of libido on guy days. Or rather, the drive is there, but when the act happens my body just goes "nope, vagina," and I feel awful. Sometimes I'll close my eyes and imagine we've swapped bodies and that helps a little. My partner has suggested for months getting my hands on a harness and some toys so that I can take on a male role with him to see how that goes, but money hasn't been quite in my favor to have done so just yet.
    Hopefully beginning to work out again will lift some of my ill-feeling, and (I really hope) restore my previous, contented fluidity. If not then I guess it's just a day at a time.