Coping with being on a team

Just to warn ahead of time, this is partially venting and partially asking for advice...

I'm on a cross country team. Cross country and track are my life right now and they have been throughout middle school and high school (I'm going into junior year). But being on it shoves my birth sex in my face a lot more than if I wasn't on a team. Obviously girls are not as strong as guys; it's just their biological make-up. Testosterone builds a lot more muscle than estrogen, and females naturally have more fat. That's all fact, I'm not trying to be sexist. So since I have a female body, when my coach puts us in groups to run with (as we run faster if we train as a pack), I'm always put with the girls' group. To be fair, I am more around the girls' skill level than the guys', and they don't know I'm a guy. I'm not blaming anyone here, I just get frustrated and so, sooo socially dysphoric. (I also have body dysphoria, but it's caused by the social dysphoria.) Also, I'm the second and sometimes first runner on the girls' team.

Our team usually hangs out together, but while doing the workouts and in between workouts, we tend to hang out with our gender. This sucks as well... And most of the guys are friendly with me, but sometimes I feel like I'm annoying them by hanging around them when they're trying to talk about stuff boys would talk about.

So today we did a tempo run at some local trails and we set off in our skill groups. We were supposed to do a half-mile loop 5 times at a certain pace, but on the third round I just thought, "Screw it," and went when the boys did (we were staggering our turns to run the loop, as it is narrow and the guys got done before the girls). It felt so great to leave the girls back there (not trying to be rude, but hopefully you understand what I mean). And when we finished all 5 loops, we did the longer loop, maybe 2 miles, at a slow pace to cool down. My coach probably noticed me running with the guys, because he split us into groups again, me with the girls, of course. I decided to screw that as well, and when we got out of sight of him, I split off from the girls and caught up with the guys. I was a bit afraid of what the girls would say behind my back, like "She's such an overachiever," or "She can't follow instructions, can she?" but I was so upset and holding in so much dysphoria I couldn't help it.

Another problem is that although I am the second runner in the girls' team, I am still too much slower to work out with the guys for some workouts (depends, really). So, I can't even keep up with them half the time and I just get left behind, behind the guys and in front of the girls. Two large gaps.

I'm sorry if this sounds like a sob story. I had always felt off when training with the girls in previous years, but now that I know I'm transgendered, the intensity of the dysphoria just got amplified.

So, does anyone have any advice for coping with being on a team where people put you into groups based on gender and skill level? When you want so badly to hang out with one gender but they just keep moving away from you?

 

I might in college, but I doubt my parents would allow me to take T while I'm under their roof, and I'm not out to them yet. I wasn't even sure how old I have to be to start HRT. Plus, if I started running for the guys' team, everyone at my school would find out and I don't know if I'll be ready for that. I go to a tiny 2B school with about 200 kids, news would travel fast and there are many LGBT-phobes there. I only have two years; I may just have to try and push through them until I'm in college and can start HRT, though the hormones wouldn't be for team acceptance anymore.

I'm sorry you felt like this in high school too, but I feel less alone knowing someone felt like me.

 

Really? I didn't know that. I doubt my area allows that. Maybe the bigger schools.

 

:help:

 

Love the video. And yes, I'm trying to hang out with them more. I'm friends with most of them, close with one of them. Everyone thinks we like each other. Well, I like him, but he doesn't like me really... They're starting to warm up to me, but sometimes I can't help but feel unwanted. I can't tell the coach because he is a hardcore Christian and it's not being stereotypical to say most Christians are LGBT-phobic anymore. Plus, what could he do? If he put me with the guy group, everyone would just be confused and I wouldn't be able to keep up. I just need to work on fixing myself, I think.

Thanks for your replies.

 

It's okay, thanks for your reply. I'm sorry you feel like this, too. I played soccer for 6 years in elementary as well... But hated being around the girls on the team. Not only did I not feel right, they were mean. Do you plan on taking T before high school is over, or before you start college (if you're going)?

 

Thanks for your reply. I'm glad to know it got better for you and easier to cope with.

I can just say right now that my relationship with my coach is probably the most complex relationship I've experienced so far in my life. I have so many mixed emotions about him that I could write an essay on it, but don't worry, I won't write one for you. I'll just sum it up: we've had falling outs before, not the yelling and out-of-control kind, but the strategical back-stabbing kind. He'll be nice to me and I'll think he is the most amazing, awesome coach and friend in the world, then he'll do something so sneaky that it'll let the wind out of my sails. I think this mostly has to do with me being competition for his daughter, who he makes do XC and track, but she doesn't like it too much. Because of this, she doesn't try as hard, but she has so much talent (they're a running family) that it's made up for and she can usually be first on the girls team. The coach seems to harbor a grudge towards me...

Anyways, enough of that. He's super religious, and I don't know his political stances; they don't express that kind of thing, as is right. But, judging from the fact that they're religious, it's almost safe to assume that they're probably a little LGBT-phobic, as a lot of Christians are... Yet, if I avoid coming out to him and ask to be put with the boys, he may object. Though, that's my safest route, and if I get super desperate, I'll bring it up to him. It wouldn't make a ton of sense though, because I can't keep up with them half the time.

 

Thanks, suninthesky. It will take a great deal of courage to go through with that, courage that I may not have right now, but hopefully I will find it soon. I can't imagine myself becoming a role model for the school; it seems like a foreign idea to me. I was always the quiet kid who got good grades and kept out of everyone's way and drama. But once I feel sure of myself, I will make myself take action with the school. And I'm sorry your coach ignored you. At least your teammates didn't.

 

Well, good luck to you!

 

I will.