Im here at my Grandma's place (she's in a retirement home). It's her birthday so I had to come to celebrate it. It used to be just an annoyance before I came out but now that I am out to my family but now that I'm out it makes me feel really uncomfortable and it even makes it a little hard on my family. My grandma has dementia and doesn't remember new things and also forgets stuff. So we can't even explain to her that I'm a girl, new name and female pronouns. So not only does she call me by old pronouns and names but my family has to as well which is also hard on them. It makes me feel super dysphoric because everywhere else I am Kelsey but just at this one place I am still Jordan. I know I should just grit my teeth and get through it but it's really hard. My grandma always tells me to cut my hair and all these other things. It's just hard because I'm out and usually feel like I'm me now but when I'm here it reminds me about the past a lot. Then I think about how when she is dead it will be better because I won't have to deal with it anymore. Of course it makes me then feel guilty about wanting my grandma to be dead. It's a really hard thing to deal with and I just wanted to rant about it while I'm sitting here. I don't know if anyone has any but advice would be helpful.
Hi, an idea just occurred to me, that you could see it as kind of 'fancy dress' of sorts; tie your hair back into a bun (or whatever one does, I'm not sure?) just for the duration of the visit, and wear a cap or something over it; she might not even notice how long it actually is. Now as I'm not a trans person, I of course can't know how difficult that might be for you, but I just thought it might spare you having to hear her tell you about cutting your hair. If she thinks it's short on that day you visit, she won't say anything about it. I know it's not an ideal solution, but would that be a little easier, than visiting as you are and having her tell you to cut your hair? One other thing: we all have odd thoughts sometimes, the human mind comes up with a million thoughts a day so no need to judge yourself for the thought coming up, that it will be easier when your gran has passed on, because thoughts are not as much under conscious control as we might like to think. We all have thoughts during the day, that we would not wish to act on, for example. Now your thought is not even a wish, it's just a statement of fact: yes, it will be easier in that sense, but that is not the same thing as you wishing it. I don't see that thought you have as the equivalent of a true 'wish', no; it's more like 'an observation'. And furthermore, the fact that you then feel guilty about it, shows that you care about her, thus, imho, forgive yourself for thoughts like that; thoughts are just thoughts. The mind just keeps churning them out, it's the nature of things.
(*hug*) I'm sorry you're having a rough time sweetheart. Stay strong and you'll get through it. Don't beat yourself up for thinking things that anybody can start thinking in circumstances like that.
Just remember her comments are based on her upbringing. It doesn't justify the hurt, but she's just from another era, and her dementia probably makes things a lot worse.
It's always good to rant sometimes. Dementia is a horrible disease. I don't believe my great grandmother knew my name at all in the last couple years of her life. In the times that I saw her I became that one, which sounds harsh, but we always laughed things off. There isn't much advice that can be given in a situation such as this. There is little chance that carrying out a discussion with her would be effective and no telling how long she would even be able to retain the information. Though I would continue to remind yourself that you are in a family that has accepted who you are and I am sure she would have done the same if given the opportunity. Being addressed as Jordan might trigger some depressing memories of your past, but that is not who you are anymore. There will always be things that remind of us of our past and trigger emotions that we would rather have long forgotten, but what is important is not who were or what we went through, but the fact that we had the strength to overcome our struggles and who we have become as a result of them. It might still sting when she using the wrong name or pronouns, but never let it bring you down so far as to negate how far you've come.
Thanks guys. I don't have to go too often but it's still hard and my family doesnt seem to get that. I know she loves me. I just needed to kind of talk about it a bit because I know you guys would have comforting things to say.
my step-grandmother had dementia, so i know how terrible that is. and i also understand the horrible guilt of almost looking forward to after she passed away. and i wasn't even out before she died -- it just got so hard. she had problems with me not acting like a "little girl" should. so, i get it. i'm sorry you have to go through this. (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
hey KelsC, it's hard i know(*hug*) i've had a couple people suffer with this. she can't help it and it really is a terrible disease. even if she doesn't know or understand i'm sure she loves you and telling you to cut your hair is an older persons way of showing love and care for who they perceive you to be. later you will look back at this and see the lesson in patience that she is giving you, it is another gift of love even if she doesn't know or realize it. Chin up sweetie, your a tough chickie and you'll be fine.:icon_bigg
I was just in this situation myself, this last weekend! It was really rough for me as well. I know how you feel, having been through the same thing myself with my Alzheimer's Abuela, and believe me, I'm sending you hugs. I wish I had advice but I don't really know myself so...hugs.
