I have been thinking over this so much recently that I decided to make a thread to see what you all think. What bothers me just as much as being in the wrong body is the fact that I grew up, socialized with and learned how to be the wrong gender for 24 years before I started questioning my gender. Had I known I was trans from my childhood or even adolescence, I think I would be able to reconcile my past a little better. Even if my mum had dressed me as a girl and I had had to muddle through life in the female gender role knowing that I felt like a boy instead, I feel I could have done more to shape who I am now. Instead, it feels that what I'm left with is 24 years of obsolete (not sure if that's the right word?) life experience. I guess what I'm trying to say is I spent 24 years in creation only to become the wrong person and all that I learned, all that I had become, it's all useless to me now as a trans guy. Often, I wish I could delete it all and start again anew as a guy so that even if I wasn't physically cis gender, I could be mentally if you get what I'm saying. This idea is made even more appealing by the fact that when I look back on my life, there are a lot of emotional struggles that I would rather forget. Having said that, I also have a lot of lovely memories and when I think about these, I wouldn't change them for the world. I wouldn't even swap them for being cis gender. This conflict between my gender identity and my past causes me a lot of grief. I just wondered how others feel about their past vs. their gender identity. Would you delete it all if you could?
I hate my past. Aside from gender conflict, there have been many regrets and things I'd have done much differently on hindsight. There are good memories that I'm reluctant to let go of, but in the end...to delete it all and regain a new identity? I don't know. I might just say yes.
I have had many good experiences thinking I was a girl, but all I wish was for me to realize before puberty so I could take hormone blockers. Yet I've had great experiences from 11-16 years old... If it meant the only things that were deleted were the parts that confronted my gender, yes.
Probably not, I feel I was given this life for a reason and I want to complete it. That's just my opinion though. I'm sorry you feel so much grief, I hope you feel better. (*hug*)
No I wouldn't delete my life. There were good experiences and bad ones. And although I spent my past living as a girl, well, I guess everything happens for a reason. Plus, I got to play on the basketball team, learn jiu-jitsu from my dad, play with "boys toys" and hang out with the guys even when I was still calling myself and dressing like a girl. So that's something I guess. I feel like if I started my life over still being born female, it wouldn't make much difference and would be utterly pointless to me. Now if I was to be reborn as a bio-male, I'd definitely consider starting over.
I believe you shouldn't try to forget/leave everything from those 24 years behind. It may have been hard, but sometimes we have to go through difficulties so that we can come back as a better, stronger person because there may be lessons we have to learn so we can serve a greater purpose. Best example is maybe you will meet someone later in life that you can help through the same ordeal by relating your experience to them.
The only thing that makes me hesitate is wondering what would happen to the friendships I've had and the people I've known, since I am positive my life would be considerably different.
I don't think I would. I have many regrets, yes, and there are so many things I wish I did differently (ex. coming to terms with my gender identity earlier, coming out to friends earlier, I wish I were already out to my parents to be honest, ...) but I sort of feel like it's important for me to have gotten the upbringing that I did. Like, I had to go through all of that to finally learn what self acceptance is. Other people's opinions of me is no longer something I worry about. I don't know. Even if I were given the option of starting over as a cisgender male I don't think I would. It would be unbearably tempting, though.
I wouldn't delete it. I have a lot of happy memories when I was "female" to others. I also see it as time where I taught myself to be more masculine... because I hated being feminine. So, it's important to me, even if I was not my desired gender.
My thoughts as well. Gender-wise, I'm kind of glad I was socialised as female - pretty sure if it had been the opposite case, I probably wouldn't be the same person but again all of this is a hypothetical. I'm not sure. My life hasn't been very good anyway so if I could start anew, regardless of being cis or not, I probably would.
Thinking about my gender and socialization hasn't brought me to thinking about this. Rather, I am an awkward person. I can't seem to get my foot out of my mouth, I used to lie compulsively, and I don't pick up on many social subtleties. I have more uncomfortable memories than I do good ones. I think about deleting it all all the time. If only there was a way to delete the bad and leave the good. But then we wouldn't learn, would we?
My life was extremely painful for a long period of time. After I started being happy it took me three days to figure out what I was feeling, because I hadn't experienced for so long. But now I am happy, and if I could delete all of my experiences before then, I wouldn't. Those moments have shaped me in to who I am. The things I've been through have bettered me as a person. Our lives are the summary of our experiences, at least that's how I view it.
I know the saying "your past doesn't define you"--but as a queer person, it can, and sometimes it almost always does. I can flourish and change, but for the most part; my problems since I was extremely young have made me into the person I am today. I'm more of a nervous wreak than I was ten years ago. I'm not so alone anymore, but god the demons can make you feel like that if they find a way in. My past is escaping me slowly, like a small leak in a cup of water. I always say that my memory is fuzzy and escaping me; but I don't know how much of that is my mind going bad or how much of that is me subconsciously trying to kill where I came from. My mind likes to go through the past, like it's a giant filing cabinet and bring up memories that get under my skin; like having a self breakdown in the lavatory of my elementary school when I was forced to wear a skirt to class, the mental beatdown resulting in a failure of trying to make an STP when I was 10 or for the first time in my life; feeling like myself when I wore "boy underwear" when I was seven or eight. I blame a lot of my personal anxieties and childhood dysphoria on my awkwardness, even as an adult and why I've become more of a recluse and I don't like socializing. I tell myself that had I been born cis, I just might have been an extrovert and I wouldn't be the person I am now; always feeling caged, shamed, judged and criticized. But my past, even though it feels like a slow leak; it's always with me like a cloud--as pictures of me from not even a year or so ago make me feel uneasy and uncomfortable. Would I delete my past? If I could do it in a heart beat--absolutely.