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Is this dysphoria? All advise and comments welcome

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Zeppelin, Sep 3, 2014.

  1. Zeppelin

    Regular Member

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    Hey, I'm completely new here and have newly been introduced to the trans community which has brought up some questions I think I have tried to force to the back of my head for some time. I have never had an open discussion with anyone about being confused with my gender identity so I figured coming here to this safe place would be best. Reader beware I do get personal and sexual.

    So here we go- I follow several ftm trans guys on Instagram and YouTube and stand in aw of them and feel I can relate to them on some level but maybe not completely. I don't know if what I am experiencing is dysphoria so I guess that's my biggest question. One of the youtubers described dysphoria as his self loathing however I know it must be different for everyone.

    What I experience feeling is like something is missing down there for no explainable reason. I would describe it not as hate for what I have but more as heart felt longing for a penis. Another thing that confuses me is it's not all the time just most of the time. I am a fully out lesbian and especially during intercourse I can become frustrated that I don't have one, I have asked my wife (I'm extremely young and just newly married which adds more nerves to my lack of confidence in my gender identity) for the last two years of our relationship if I could use a strap on during sex. She has always said no but has admitted to me that she used them on occasion with past partners. I think the reason she did it in the past but doesn't want to with me is because she senses that it's not just kinky sex but maybe something more deep and curious and that freaks her out. Also when I am on the receiving end I don't enjoy penetration just exclusively clitoral stimulation. She also makes comments sometimes that I just act like I have a penis, for example the way I'll sit or sometimes when it's just the two of us watching a movie late at night I'll slip my hand in my sweatpants and just rest my hand there. I also didn't notice it was weird or even that I did it till she pointed it out but sometimes when I am in the mood I will say I have a boner which I now see is odd. All my sexually fantasies when I'm alone involve me having a penis. I do wear boys briefs full time and find boy clothes more interesting as a whole whole and I have always been extremely uncomfortable in dresses as if I am in drag. I wouldn't call myself butch, that just don't seem to fit but tom boi at least for sure. I have shorter hair in kinda a gender neutral some would say beiberish hair cut. I am naturally very small chested but bought a very tight compression sports bra and honestly love it.

    I have never told a soul this but most of growing up even as young as 5 I would think a lot that I would be a cuter boy rather then girl, then when I was somewhere between 7-9 I remember for a long time trying to teach myself how to pee standing up and for a while I thought if I pulled on everything everyday maybe it would stretch out and make me like a boy. Thank goodness I didn't do that for long enough to disfigure myself.

    For a long time I just chalked things up to oh I must have done some of those things when I was young or feel some of how I feel because I like girls but now that I was opened to the trans community I'm not totally sold or sure of that idea anymore. I guess I am confused and don't know if this is dysphoria or not since I long instead of loathe
     
  2. Kafei

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    It sounds to me like dysphoria. I know quite a few people (myself included) that feel bottom/genital dysphoria like this. You don't have to hate a part of your body to be dysphoric about it, though that concept is a bit confusing when you think about it. I wish I had more to say, but I hope this helps you figure it out!
     
  3. birdking

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    I actually experience the same kind of bottom dysphoria. Like I feel neutral about the whole junk situation mostly but it sometimes feels odd to me that nothing's there.

    so, in my opinion, it sounds like dysphoria!
     
  4. Purplefrog

    Purplefrog Guest

    Hey Zeppelin, I can relate to this too in some ways - when having sex with a woman I wish I had a penis and could penetrate her, and felt really turned on when using a strap on for the first time, as I felt so masculine. I get more out of doing her generally, than when she does me, although that is not to say I don't find it entirely dis-pleasurable :icon_wink I also feel something should be down there, that isn't. I've been looking up stuff recently about enlarging what I do have down there - and am tempted to take it beyond curiosity.

    I also *hate* it when people make jokey comments about me being a woman - and any occasion, for example when a group of people "need a man" to volunteer to do heavy lifting, I will usually volunteer. Someone I know fairly well recently commented that my more 'butch' attire was a symptomatic of the fact I might be wanted to actually be a man - he knew someone who like me, used to dress very girly to compensate (which is what I have done), started dressing progressively more manly and eventually transitioned. I felt like he really hit nerve and felt very exposed - which a few weeks later, I am now realising might have something in it.

    But on the other hand, there are parts of me which are quite feminine - I am quite sensitive and caring. Having said that, and this is just throwing ideas around, I just feel like a feminine man. I can remember as a teenager aged 16-17 not only being confused about my attractions, but also my gender identity, not feeling strongly like a woman. However I never hated going through puberty, and the changes that brought, which I have heard a lot of transgendered people say. I'm not sure however if I'm feeling dysphoric enough to ever seriously consider transitioning.

    I find it all a bit confusing really, as I am currently going through a whole process of trying to unpick years of conditioning (which I have accepted) to act and behave in a certain way.
     
    #4 Purplefrog, Sep 4, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 4, 2014
  5. jay777

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    Gender:
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    You might have a look at this:
    Am I Transgender or Transsexual - Teens Wonder Am I Transgender or Transsexual

    The transgender spectrum goes i.e. from people living with almost androgynous appearance, to styling more like the preferred gender, to taking hormones, to srs.
    Of course the list is not all possible options.
    It's up to you to collect further information...
    You might also for example talk to a gender therapist or someone from an lgbt center, if that's what you want.

    I would do things I'm comfortable with, don't feel pressured to do something... its your decision...
    There is no only one right way to do this.
    Its your choice what you want to do...

    Have you looked into strapless strapons?
     
  6. RainDreamer

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    Does it feel like a sort of phantom pain to you? Like, feeling like something should be there but it is not there?
    I have sometimes experience that with my chest, to the point it feels weird when I wear any tight Tshirt and it makes me aware that my chest is totally flat.
     
  7. Purplefrog

    Purplefrog Guest

    I certainly feel this when turned on - either by myself or with someone - it feels like something is missing. I want to thrust using my member - but it doesn't exist.