It's been a couple months, and progress is progress, but... I find that I'm still having trouble letting go of the stereotypes, "should be"s and "shouldn't be"s associated with my sex. So how do you do it? How do you break through all the crap that you've internalized once you realize that it is holding you back? What techniques do you rely on? And I find this whole thing a bit weird because my family did raise me somewhat atypically. So while they are somewhat responsible for a few of the hang-ups I have now, they are also responsible for me not having nearly as many as I could have had.
I don't change my male bodied stereotypes of liking violent movies, video games, gross humor, etc. I do however embrace my sensitive side and like fashion and cute things way more. I take pride in how I dress as female. But I haven't forsaken things that made me who I am and what I like.
Personally, I have been trying to start by slowly dropping the things I did as defense mechanisms to prevent people from seeing the feminine aspects of myself that I thought were "too much". I have always openly embraced many things/roles traditionally considered feminine and counted on my being 6'5" and over 200 lbs to prevent people from seeing too much of the truth, but there have always been too many things I did to hide my true self. It's some of these things that have made me feel the worst about myself and the most like some sort of a fraud. Basically, I figure even though I can't present the way I want to a lot of the time, at least once some of those protective layers/filters are peeled away what's left will be more me - regardless of how much of me conforms to stereotypes masculine or feminine. Does that make any sense? I guess I'm just trying to concentrate on changing specific behaviors and not thinking too much about how they fit into the bigger picture for now. It seems a little more manageable to me.
Well, I guess my question is: What got you over those hurdles? Right now, it's a bit like seeing a wall you want to climb/leap/jump over, but just being unable to move your feet to make the attempt.
It's different for everyone and the hurdle/wall that you have to jump over is different as well. Mine had to do with growing up in church, being told what I am was an "abomination" but my spiritual life still had a lot of meaning to me. I had to find another community where I can thrive in the way that I needed to and find my own peace of mind and acceptance.
Maybe an inner feelling of joy? Possibly not fighting so much but concentrating on what is connected with a deep inner joy... I went from disliking violent movies to liking quiet movies with a nice story... Some say if you concentrate on the old too much you can not build something new...
Personally I just take it one day at a time. I haven't really changed any of my likes or interests, though I've taken to embracing more girly fun stuff. (My Little Pony: FiM was actually a HUGE positive influence in that regard.) But its all me, that's what I try to remember. I still listen predominantly to classic rock(including the Beatles, Queen and ACDC), punk and grunge music because that's what I grew up on. I don't really get hung up on what I stereotypically should be. My parents raised me to buck tradition and say F*** you to anyone who tried to make me conform.(I think that's where the punk rock thing comes in ;P) So that's the attitude I have. It keeps me pretty happy through the hard times. Because I know I'm me and I don't care what anyone else expects. I hope you can find your strength to just be you, because you're a beautiful person!
This was the hardest part of transition for me. There was so much expectation for me to be hyper-feminine. For a while I avoided doing some of the things I like and tried to meet those expectations. After a while I realized that was just not who I am. I am very much like my mom in a lot of ways. I think realizing that helped me accept being very androgynous. I have always encountered a lack of acceptance because of how much I blur the lines. Letting go of the idea that I would ever be "normal" or "fit in" was the key to becoming comfortable and finding my own way to be.
I am struggling with this a lot as well at the moment. I have noticed I often choose things based on what I think a guy would do because if I blur the boundaries of traditional gender roles I struggle with really bad dysphoria. For example, throughout my life I have never been interested in sports. I have always been really bad at playing them because I have poor co-ordination and I have always found watching sport boring. However, now I have realized I'm male I feel compelled to take up sport or at least start watching it because what man doesn't? It also works the opposite way round. 10 years ago I decided I no longer wanted to eat meat because I had always cared about animals and I thought it sad that a life is created and ended for something so trivial as a burger, for example. My family brought me up to eat meat and have always been against my decision to become vegetarian. However, since realizing I'm male I have battled with my feelings about animal slaughter and my idea of what being male is. Somehow, I perceive a man who is vegetarian as a bit of a joke and I have been trying to start eating meat again. :dry: I think the reason for me adopting male stereotypes is because I feel like I constantly have to prove my gender identity to myself and others. Like I said I'm still struggling with the stereotypes but recently, before making any decision I have begun to stop and ask myself 'what do I like? what do I want to do?' rather than thinking what would a guy like and what would a guy do. Perhaps one day I will start watching sports and eating meat but if I do, I hope it's because I want to rather than because I feel compelled to or because I think that's what a man should do.
To take this analogy a little further... For me it is trying not to think about the wall as whole, but instead, just concentrating on finding the first foothold, then the finding the second once the first feels comfortable. It is generally little things like not participating in the typical guys-complaining-about-women routine (not telling people off or getting up and leaving, just not participating in it), more freely giving and accepting complements, Paying more attention to (and getting more enjoyment from) grooming and appearance regardless of how I am presenting - nothing earth shattering, and individually they don't seem too daunting, but eventually I feel like they really start to add up. Hope this helps! (*hug*)
There are plenty of great men who aren't the sporty type. At least not the typical idea of it. Just find the role models that you actually identify with. Artists, designers, writers, engineers, scientists, mathematicians, musicians, businessmen, civil servants, social workers, etc, etc. There is more than enough variety out there. And I can't stand jocks anyways. :lol: And on this, don't worry about it. I do know a vegetarian man in my circle of friends. I'll admit I don't know more than one, but I don't really know more than one vegetarian woman either. I understand your position, and while I may not agree with it, I don't see why you should give up on it if it is important to you. Steve Jobs, who can be as hard-assed as any of them, was a vegan. That, I can empathize with. Only, in my case, I found myself trying to adopt stereotypes of my assigned gender as if I needed to prove to myself that I was one. It does a bit. I've got a bit of a list of things I do want to try or do, I think I just need to find a way to sneak them into the other things I do. It doesn't help that I not only have to break through my normal anxieties in order to do any one of them, but this gender-related anxiety as well. Some of the things I have done, were because I could do it discretely online. Some of the others, not so easy.
