Hi all my trans* brothers and sisters! (&&&) It's been a while since actually posting something that may be important to someone other than myself... That being said, I would like any advice on how to come out as a transfemale and politely request people use the feminine pronouns. I actually told someone today that they could drop the "sir" But I'm not sure how that came acrosson her end. I've told my therapist that it's getting really hard for me, not medically transitioning, to take the masculine pronouns, the sirs, etc. And is causing more dysphoria, to where I start thinking about going the medical route again. But that'd work either, as I don't have the money, nor the right reasons for meds (since it's only for social affirmation of my womanhood). There's yet another reason for needing advice... I don't want to drudge up bad feelings with my marriage partner. She's been monumental in here growth and acceptance of me as transfeminine. But she still uses the wrong pronouns. I don't want step on her toes either. She does call me her partner, to other people. She won't correct them calling me her husband, But She says partner. Monumental! But she calls me "he." Not so much. What to do...:bang:
Wow. Same boat, same river. At least your partner's a little further along in this. For me and my wife, it's something I think only a therapist can get us talking openly about--which would be great if I could afford a therapist right now. Otherwise, even though we've talked about it, it's still pretty awkward--like stepping on eggshells. Wish I could help, but pretty much no one knows about my transness (well, three people--my sister, my wife, and my best friend--and aside from my sister, I think the other two are sort of skeptical, which hurts the most to be honest). So I'm still usually referred to as a "he", and it doesn't completely destroy me or anything--but ya know... (sigh). It's always bothered me when people "bro me" though, I think I finally just started accepting it after a while, took a long time to get used to. Calling people "dude" is one thing, because it carries unisex overtones anymore, but it seriously weirds me out when people who don't know me call me "bro" or "sir". Even worse when girls have called me "bro"... what's with that? Wish I could help, but I can relate.
My problem myself since for the foreseeable future I'm only socially transitioning, is that the less you're out, the more of the male you is still detectable in the world. So they don't see the she as much. Second is that people you know still have it ingrained that you are "bro" to them. My best friend who I live with (and am female all the time at home, unless some random person I'm not out to stops by) uses "bro" and "son" and such. To be honest it's not bothering me TOO much because unwittingly he's protecting me so that he doesn't slip and start calling me she to the unknowing. The general public who don't even know who I am at worst use gender neutral pronouns. It's a process sis, a long one sometimes.
I transitioned in college. What I did was move to a new area where I only knew a handful of people after I graduated. This helped me become more confident since most people only know me as I am now. I found that really helped me, but I was in a position to do that. If you are married and have friends who are supportive, I wouldn't do what I did. It was what I felt I needed to do and it worked out pretty well for me.
Yeah, it's weird. More so, it seems, when you have 4 kids in the mix. That part I forgot to add. They call me "Daddy." That's how they know me, and I wouldn't confuse them. That being said, I still intend to tell them once they're older and they can comprehend this more. But It's still hard knowing they see a "he " and not a "she" so yeah...
What made thus shift back to identifying as trans? You were bargaining with yourself. Justifying huh?
You aren't asking for anything much when you want people to use different pronouns. I know it's hard, especially when you're in public, maybe out in "guy mode", let's be honest you're worried about what people are thinking. But letting people know it would make you feel wonderful if they use the right words around you is nothing to feel bad about. So a quick story but I was in a mall food court and got "sir"'ed just the other day. I was in one of those exhausted moods and I usually get stuff with no mayo and my wrap was just covered in it. I just did not want to send it back but my friend was really insistent to the point where she just took it back herself. So she introduced me as her best girlfriend to the cashier. The cashier looked a little stunned - but she started using "her" and "she" the rest of that convo. So I mean this is someone that doesn't even know me you know? I'm never pushy with people, never "you have to be this way around me". People just do use female pronouns because they see how much male ones bother me, and they like me. Or other people are friends with people that use 'em and use 'em too.
Yeah, and my partner. But lately the "sir," "man," etc has been getting harder to take. My therapist and I are going to begin to develop ways to gently request people use my preferred pronouns and even my preferred name (it was Emma but I've warmed up to DJ. Still there are people who've "corrected" new supervisors, telling them I'm "Jake " after I've introduced myself DJ.) So yeah...
Yes, Jess, I am worried what people might think. But mostly my partner. Like I'd said, I don't want to drudge up bad memories. And I have some self - defeating tendencies (per my psychologist), so I need some help to sort out the best way to gently let others know, and not make my partner worry about these things all over again. She's caught herself calling me "... man," and quickly apologized for it. But in not sure how she'd take it if I politely corrected others in her presence.
The way I see it, you have several options. You can flat-out tell them "No!" and demand they start using whichever pronouns make you comfortable, like one person advised me to do, or you could simply not respond when they use those you are uncomfortable with. Either way, one thing I've been told over and over again from others is how as you progress in your transition, the more you'll elicit certain reactions, including things like passing and having others use correct pronouns.
gravechild... thank you as well for your input. That does sound reasonable. I'll show these replies to my therapist on Friday and see what we're able to formulate from there. I've told another coworker that in trans* and she said she thought no different of me. Told her I'm transgender female(ish) and am lesbian both! Yay me!
