GID causing Depression or Depression causing GID?

I am very confused.

I've wanted to a be a girl since I was 11. I wasn't making a lot of friends with people, and was sort of like an introvert. I had a unique way of thinking and felt that boys and girls should get along together. However, in an Asian country, this wasn't happening much. Thus, I had no friends, literally none, and developed depression by about the age of 12.

Soon, puberty kicked in. I was too young to even identify or cope with all those weird feelings, by I knew that I needed help, and as soon as I entered middle-school, I seeked the school counsellor. I felt extreme confusion about my gender identity. The counsellor called in a therapist and diagnosed me with clinical depression(couldn't remember if it was mild or major). What I am really confused about, is whether the need for me to be and identify as a girl caused me to be depressed because I knew I could never be a genuine girl, or that the feelings of depression gave rise to feelings of me being a girl,(escapist behaviour of a person suffering from depression) as I knew that girls are likely to develop more intimate and closer friendships with each other. Perhaps it was lack of social skills that led me to having no friends, and then to depression, feelings of loneliness and thus the need to be a girl to gain friends, or perhaps it was that I am just a girl but I've become depressed, being in denial of such feelings for so long. Actually, I consulted the counsellor on the first day of school, in hopes that he would be able to cure my depression in some way, but he couldn't and till now, I'm confused.

It dragged on, and now I'm 16. Actually, I consulted the counsellor on the first day of school, in hopes that he would be able to cure my depression in some way, but he couldn't and till now, I'm confused. Major exams are approaching and I have no desire to study, except to find my true gender and self. Talking about my feelings, I really want to be a girl because I despise the way how men love to brag about wanting to go to a gym, and having the mindset that being stronger would appear more attractive to a girl. I hate men's arrogance and dominance. For eg, I would hate a man to be behind me when he breathes out, as I really hate the strength in which he exhales, and to me, that is a really arrogant behaviour which I extremely hate. Everything associated with men seems to be bad,(at least in Asia) smoking, working long hours, supporting the family, drug abuse, abusing people, rough skin, facial hair, I hate them. To me, being a girl would be best; soft, tender, delicate skin, feminine voice and body, curves, like a piece of art. However, sometimes I have doubts about myself, as I have guilty feelings, such as being a girl, which does turn me on(autogynephilia), but I do know that many TS girls do and still feel turned on so I guess its normal. Also, I sometimes lust for girls etc, and think about how great it would be for me to dominate her in bed, but to me, that wasn't that important, and I feel that I didn't need to be a man to dominate her, I could be elated to just be her confidante. Do I really just crave a relationship/friendship with girls? Or am I really a girl?

As stated, major exams approaches, and it does stress me quite a bit. This led to the feelings of being a girl vanished, and it comes back from time to time, hence, leading to even greater confusion.
These feelings intensify, and I've spent about 2 years doing extensive indepth research to learn about everything, the cost of TS surgery, TS clinics, SRS, HRT, feelings about depression, gender confusion. I've even taken the COGAITI test, which have resulted in Androgynous all 3 times. Now, at 16, I feel really pressured to make a decision, as I don't want to be conscripted into National Service at 18. I feel that, if I'm a girl, why should I serve 2 years in there and waste my precious youth, when my life as a girl hasn't even begun(I've lost 16 years...). I'm afraid to transition later in life. Though ppl argue that if you are afraid to transition later in life, you are not a real girl, but for me, I just don't want to miss certain phases of life, like dating, experimentation, flirting, and being a healthy and fresh girl. For me, I feel that I've left about 2 years or less to make a decision, as I really want to make a decision before NS, and I strongly feel that a transition at 21+ would lead me to feel unhappy, and spiral downwards in a vicious cycle of emotions. I need serious help and advise. Does having no friends, lead to depression, which leads to me wanting to be a girl as it does help in making friends(an escapist behaviour)? Or have I always wanted to be a girl, which led to depression, which led to me shunning everyone else? I would say its the latter, as gender confusion came first, but my emotionally stressed heart seems to be telling me its the former, that I am trying to escape..I don't know, I feel extremely pressured, and any Serious Advise and Help is greatly appreciated.

I am very confused.

 

Thx for your reply. Indeed ive asked myself that many times, but my heart is unable to give me an answer. Its very unfortunate that my area totally has NO gender therapists at all! Not sure how to continue from here, hope to get more advise from others! Thx!