What exactly is gender, anyway?

I'm sure a lot of people post about this, so I'm sorry if you're reading something that's already been discussed!

Let me start by saying that I'm confused about my sexuality as well, so it might be a bit stickier in general.

So. I'm female biologically, and I don't... mind. Usually I dress California casual - you know, jeans, an old shirt - things like that. trainers are cool too. I sort of like having a smooth curve down my body, it's nice. And sometimes I do get the feeling of wishing I was more 'feminine', because I'm very tomboyish and... plain.

So. Today, I decided to try that! Instead of jeans and a tee, I dug out a lovely little skirt, a cropped top, sandals, and did my hair a lot nicer than I normally would, grabbed a handbag... and I don't know what to say, really. I had this sensation of being really girly and feminine and 'pretty', but at the same time I didn't feel like ME. Like something had just disappeared. Sure, I had more confidence in my appearance, but it wasn't entirely RIGHT. (It had the added bonus of screwing with my sexuality a little too.)

Here's the other half of the coin. When I used to go to my friends (guy friend) as a teen after a long, muddy walk, I'd borrow his cargos or jeans. I felt so happy and comfy in them, it was great! I also have one or two shirts from the men's section that don't fit right but I love wearing; long and baggy and just - ahhh, great!

Of course, just like earlier in the post, I decided to try doing something experimental and different. I used a sports bra a size too small (my breasts are small anyway), and stuffed socks down my trousers, and dressed up in a nice suit. I kinda look... androgynous, actually. And quite happy to present as so. And yet, again, something didn't feel quite right... I mean, I don't want a penis, or anything like that. And I do have a soft spot for my curves on occasion.

Final case in point: A few months back when I was thinking about the topic of gender, my friend spoke to me about the idea of being AGENDER. I went out for a run shortly after considering that and, BAHM - I felt like I'd been hit by a truck during the run. "Having no gender is so right!" And for the run it felt like an INCREDIBLE realisation. Then I got home and started to feel panicked and horrible and stuck 'FEMALE' as a gender label on myself.

I think, all in all, I'm super confused. As a kid I hated dresses; I ALWAYS wore trousers and trainers/boots. I don't mind make up but it's so much HASSLE to deal with and so not worth it. I wear my hair long because it makes me feel 'feminine' sometimes, which I think I lack overall. When watching shows I tend to identify with both female AND male characters overall; particularly in things like anime, I'm always loving and feeling for the guys, all "Me too, man, I understand that. God you're so cool and awesome!"

I guess... some advice would be cool? People gave me a lot of good advice about sexuality when I posted there; I was hoping for the same here. : )

 

I could be; I might not be. But every time I lapse into gender identity I get freaked out and try to return to 'girl' mode.

Five minutes ago I was singing around the house with a gruff voice, feeling all 'manly' and male, and now I'm sitting feeling just... 'genderless'. And desperately wishing I could look in the mirror and see a 'female' again.

Crap, sorry, that's all rambled.

Short version: I'm used to identifying as a tomboy female with fluxes and not being 'female' is terrifying but not wrong.

 

Thanks a lot! That actually describes how I feel sometimes.

The scary part is acknowledging and trying that out for me. Eep.