Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my gender identity. I am a 21 year old German and born male, however I have come to the conclusion that I am not a man and don't want to be one. As a child I've never seen my future self as a man but much rather had fantasies about being old and having lived a great life, alternately seeing myself as an old woman or as an old man. As a young teenager I have had sexual fantasies of disguising as a female to "trick" heterosexual men into finding me attractive. I remember at one point starting to think that I should stop thinking like this because there are men attracted to me as a male person/as myself. I do like my body, as it is now, I'm not very tall, I grow little facial hair (I actually like not shaving it), I am very slim and have thin muscles. My hairstyle is unisex and some conservative people find it too feminine, which somehow makes me feel proud. I feel comfortable that way and I do not feel the need to change any of that from my inside. However, when I try to explain what I feel about myself not identifying as a man, many people don't get it. Most of my friends don't see me as androgynous, but much rather perceive me as masculine. Or at least as "more masculine than most gays". Even though I perceive my sexuality as rather hetero because I am a non-male who likes men. Now I wonder: if I want people to perceive me more the way I perceive myself, do I have to express it more clearly? I have been shopping women's clothes that I found unisex and fitting for myself. Wearing a new-bought (and to me really rather feminine looking) poncho, I asked a friend what she thought about it. She answered that, on me, that even looked sexy in a masculine but eccentric way. I'm not serious when I say this but: do I need female breasts to make people understand what I feel about myself? I see that, for most people, there are only two genders. I have thought so long enough myself. But how can I be perfectly okay with what I see in the mirror and still feel pressure to change something in order to being seen the way I want?
You are not alone in these thoughts. I wind up presenting cis, myself, and have similar trouble. You should be allowed to present the way you want. What about women who identify as women, and still dress masculinely? They are still accepted as "female". It's a problem, and unfortunately, I don't have any good answers there, beyond the fact that there's nothing wrong with you. One thing you might try is pointing someone at resources about this sort of thing. "The Gingerbread Person" is pretty decent as a rough primer when you need to point out that identity != expression != sex.
Honestly transition doesn't really prevent that from happening all the time either. Especially with people that knew you from before. And no matter how well you are conforming to society's draconian standards (which is what I say instead of "passing" ) the fact is that all it takes is one of your friends throwing a "he" out there to get everyone else doing it. We also have to come to terms with the fact that things like sexual attraction are not things other people can control. I have tried several times to be attracted to male bodied people, including a relationship with another transitioner which broke cleanly recently when we were forced to admit how incompatible we are, despite the fact that I found other things about her attractive. Being trans means I'm pretty much incompatible with anyone for the time being in a lot of ways, which is the only reason I thought it could work. And we have to come to terms with the fact that attraction, and similar instinctive responses other people just can't control to sex differences to a degree does dictate how people interact with you. I mean just for some perspective, try looking at people in the street some time, and try to spot just one time where you don't automatically categorize people male or female in your mind. Or every time you see a man, think "woman" and every time you see a woman, think "man". It's way harder than it sounds, and the reason it's harder is at least partly something you can't control and very likely never even learned. The words "woman" and "man" themselves you obviously learned; sex differences themselves are something I really think people growing up on a deserted island would figure out, although they of course would not be coupled with all our arbitrary BS and exaggerations; the desert island people would probably be weirded out the first time they saw someone with shaved armpits for example. Truth be told, a lot of cis women that are not conventionally attractive deal with the same stuff. Most people are great, but there are really sucky people out there, and those people are usually unfortunately louder. I have had cis gay female friends who have had to stand up for their partners because other women were giving them crap about using the bathroom. The way around all of this is to just be patient and understanding with people. Don't expect change out of them, and be pleasantly surprised when you get it. I know that sounds like a tall order or like maybe I'm asking you to be a marshmallow and avoid conflict, but the fact is you can reach a point where you honestly don't need their approval or agreement with you to begin with. You are who you are, and you can't change that with words. Neither can anyone else. If someone uses the wrong words with you, saying "sir" doesn't make it true. So I'm not just asking you to be a milquetoast, I'm more asking you to try to practice looking inside to define who you are; like all of us trans people, that's just a skill the world is going to force you to learn. Just the same while people don't respond well to demands, if you want people to treat you like a woman, and they're your friends, they eventually will. It will be harder for them because you aren't doing anything to make it easier for them to see you that way. You do have to respect that fact and their limitations. Instincts are powerful things that allow baby sea turtles to reach the ocean seconds after they are born without being eaten by seagulls, and those plus force of habit are working against the people in your life. What they do respond well to, especially if they are your friends, is you being nice to them, and them knowing how to be nice to you back. The magic turn of phrase that has yet to fail to work for me is "it would make my day if you used female pronouns". It takes time, people "slip up" - their words, not mine - but eventually it just works. I know I have some advantages you don't, but I also know that this worked just as well before I had these advantages. And when it doesn't you know you always have a sympathetic ear here (*hug*)
Thanks to both of you. I was a bit frustrated when I posted here first but I do feel better again. The gingerbread person as a model as well as both of your comments reminded me to indeed focus on how I feel about myself and not to expect to much from anyone (however close they might be). I guess that, escpecially for my childhood friends, who still live in smaller towns, I will need a lot more patience. However, reading that there are many more people with similar problems (even though I obviously knew they were), helps a lot to calm down and try to find this patience. Btw: "conforming to society's draconian standards" is something I need to find a German equivalent for. Love it
