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Scared and Don't Know What to Do

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by PICollins91, Sep 14, 2014.

  1. PICollins91

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Dueling Banjos, Florida
    When I came to this forum, I was here to finally work up the courage and accept that I am into men, with some encouragement from reading others stories and knowing I had help if I needed it which up until then I was just one person against all odds, I came out to my Mom who accepted it fully. It felt great to get that off my chest and for a while I felt light and free but something in me changed, it might have given me a bit too much courage to keep on digging into that old, rusty box upstairs in my head and find what makes me tick. Soon I kind of realized that there was something else wrong. I was just starting to feel like the current personality I was running around with wasn't me. I kind of made my own way of meditating, just lay on the bed every afternoon, close my eyes and just mentally dig deep down and figure out what is down there holding up my life. Then the more I just started feeling more and more confused about what exactly I did to myself ten years ago, I didn't just hide my attraction to men it seemed like I had lived as a fictional character created out of fear for the past ten years that was based on all these ideas of what society thinks guys should be. I had shut out any dissent from my mind, that voice saying "this isn't the way you are" in my head, I had blocked most of my actual feelings.

    All my life I had tried to please others and deny what I really am, I felt comfortable around women because I felt like I was closer to them than anything else, I resisted the urge to buy cute purses I saw because I don't want to be laughed at, I wanted to grow out my hair but didn't have the courage to, I like getting my nails done and always wanted to paint them, I like all genders really but the man I became hated me enough to keep me from accepting I love all genders because he was a bitter conformist at least until I pushed into accepting that I like one of the genders. I just wanted to scream because I was feeling like everything was collapsing around me but last week when I realized what a monster I became I went into my bathroom and tried to scream but couldn't as I had forgotten how to raise my voice as I wanted to avoid any femininity whatsoever. All I could do was fall to the floor and cry, I fell asleep and woke up about an hour later and looked into my eyes in the mirror and saw that I looked different to myself, I called my name out to myself and got no reply from the man in my head, once I reached my bedroom I realized he was dead and gone for good. Just me and this hairy vessel he left me with and I don't miss him one bit.

    I feel so different now, it's like I was dead all my life as memories are no different than movies to me now. My Dad didn't know me well enough, just an outer shell and that hurts. Everyone who knows me only knew a man, he only had a handful of my real traits but most of everything was created for him. It just hurts so much that I allowed this lie to happen for so long I feel awful, what kind of a person does this? It's just me now typing this, no man to hide behind just a girl. I want to get on with my life but I'm scared to death what is going to happen, I don't want to stay bottled up all my life. I want to exist as myself and never go through that again but I don't know where to start. I'm me and I accept this as me but where does someone go from here? I can't do therapy right now, I feel little confidence in leaving the house until my appearance has changed a bit and luckily I don't have anything big until the end of October. I just don't know what to do, sorry for the ridiculously long and probably confusing post.