Ever since I came out as trans I've been dumped and have lost friends, have already been called a freak and will never be a real woman. The person I loved and thought would respect me and support me said right to my face I am a freak after he broke up with me. Everyday I have doubts and regrets and I have just wanted to break down and cry and I've been close to doing so in public multiple times, I have a history of depression but nothing as severe as this month. The more and more I learn about myself the more and more I feel people are against me or people who once cared for me and loved me have abandoned me. I'm still debating whether or not I want srs but I will more than likely keep my penis for a few reasons, but every time I say this I can hear voices in my head calling me a pervert, freak, not a real woman, only doing it as a fetish, you're only a cross dresser and I just want it to stop. I've been miserable this past month and it doesn't help that seemingly everyone I know is in a relationship including some people I had serious crushes on. I feel like no one will want to be with me or love me for who I am now. I have contemplated suicide because it has gotten so bad at least 3 times because I haven't been happy once this entire month, I have no support, no one (except here) to turn to, no psychiatrist. I just want to be held and be given the support and talking to I need right now, but I don't think anyone actually love mes anymore, or even understands what I'm going through. Since I started questioning myself and researching alot more and accepted I am a woman I haven't eaten properly, and have lost weight (and last time I weighed myself I was 55 kilos coupled with the fact I'm 6 foot 3 tall..) I don't know why I just see food and I don't want it at all.I will eat something small to keep myself alive but I just don't want to eat, all I want to do is break down and cry in my room. And that's about all I can do till the wait to finally start hormones and see doctors is over.
You're not a freak. People who call you that (including the voices in your head) do it out of their own insecurities. I know this knowledge doesn't help your situation, but maybe it'll help you ignore your own voices a bit. Oh, and you're already a real woman, and no one can take that away from you; even you can't do anything about it no matter how much you'd try. I believe you've tried that countless times already and failed. Your depression sounds bad enough that you should see a therapist right away if you can. When you start contemplating suicide, even if you don't feel you'll go through with it, call Lifeline (13 11 14) or even 000 to ask for help! Lifeline can be reached 24h a day. I stopped eating for several months after accepting my fate. I lost 15 kilos in those months, and only getting help from a therapist to deal with my depression made me better. You should cry if you feel like it, it can help a lot to just let it out. I don't have much advice other than it will get better. I was as depressed as you are a year and a half ago and now my life is better than it had ever been. It's a lot to deal with and it will take time, but it really will get better. Don't listen to the voices in your head, they're assholes when you're depressed. Don't negotiate with them either, they'll try anything they can to bring you back to that vicious cycle of self-hatred. Here: have a hug, girl! (*hug*) It'll get better!
I'm sorry you're going through such a bad time. I'm sure lots of people here would give you a hug if they could. I know it sounds corny and cliché, but the only person whose opinion really counts is the one that looks back at you from the mirror. So if no one else is there, give yourself a big hug, have a good cry, and tell yourself, "I'm worth it, I deserve to be loved." I don't know if it makes any sense, but I find that sometimes it helps me to wallow in my grief and anger for a little bit, sort of embrace it and let myself feel, before I can let it go (and yes, it's okay to feel angry at people for abandoning you and callign you names, because it's not right for them to do so.) If you're sucidal or self-destructive I think it might be a good idea to call a hotline, though. I also find that doing something creative helps, like writing poetry, playing music, drawing, stuff like that.
Thank you so much....Something else I missed out on putting on this post was my family, I'm too scared of their reaction to do anything, see a doctor or psychiatrist. But thanks so much you don't believe how much it helps me right now..
