Could you confuse body dysmorphia with gender dysphoria?

Well, is it possible? I've hated my body so long I don't know what about it bothered me so much. But maybe my body dysmorphia was actually gender dysphoria.

I was about 95 lbs at the beginning of high school, and I remember already thinking I wasn't skinny enough. Throughout high school I kept thinking I was fat but I didn't do anything about it because i was really active, but I gained about 10 lbs a year. In college I didn't even bother eating healthy for the first 3 years because I just assumed I was always going to be fat (indeed at that point I was unhealthily overweight). I hit 140 lbs (for my 5' frame it was a lot) and I started running/dieting until I lost 20 lbs. I should have felt good about my body, but I always still felt like I was fat, for which I felt guilty.

I've since gained some weight back since then, because I realized that if I still feel fat when I'm skinny (I wanna call myself "normal weight; but no I was skinny) something isn't right and dieting isn't gonna fix that. Not that I was happier with my body; but that I just sort of gave up. Besides, the dieting really sucked. But sometimes I'd look in the mirror and literally want to cry.

In all that time I tried really hard to love my body but I hated it. I practiced body positivity and I felt really guilty about buying into the culture of fat shaming. But I just resented myself every time I looked in the mirror. In photos I always hated how my breasts looked, even in "minimizer" bras. I didn't even worry about my hips because my 32DDs were sucking so much attention, but I'm guessing they're part of the issue as well.

Also I kept dressing more and more feminine because I heard that curvy girls should dress for the "hourglass" figure. So I kept trying for that and kept feeling it looked awful on me; I was hoping that the more femme I skewed the more I'd love my body because the more objectively attractive I'd be. (needless to say it didn't work)

The reason I'm sharing this is that I've recently gained a bit of weight as a result of studying too many hours a week for too many weeks prepping for an exam. BUT, I've also been binding. Last night I looked at myself in the mirror and even though my stomach was a bit softer... I didn't really see myself as the fat hideous monster anymore. I feel like binding my chest relieved feelings of body hatred to such a crazy extent, I'm surprised. I still keep healthy and active, but it's not out of body hate. I seem to have more confidence even as my weight fluctuates.

tl;dr: Could I have been confusing hating my feminine curves for feeling fat this whole time??

 

Thanks for your comments.

@gravechild: I think internalized misogyny manifests itself differently; although I did internalize a lot of social gender norms. I just wanted to be normal so I did whatever I could to fit in, even though I wound up hating myself.

@The Leryous: I'm ok being a bit chubs with smaller boobs, but I've tried being skinny with normal boobs and it feels wrong. So I guess that answers that. Ah, Shane...

@Evil Kitten: Thanks for the link. I've read it before, and the fact that I can feel better with binding makes me think that maybe this is the "solvable" problem of dysphoria rather than the unsolvable problem of distorted self-image, or dysmorphia. But I don't know! It's confusing.

 

True I guess you're right I'm still kind of in the closet and I'm hoping that once I'm more comfortable full-time being my boyish self I'll consider surgery? Hmm.

Wondering if anyone else had this experience...