I finally got to be Ashe in real life this weekend. It was amazing. It was only for a few hours, and it was with my aunt in the coffee shop. I was able to tell the person behind the register to call for Ashe when our order was ready. The feeling when she called my name, my real name... I felt like I was living like I should be. And now dysphoria has hit me harder and faster than ever before. Everything I hate about me is more pronounced than ever. The name Patrick is sounding more and more toxic. I'm on the verge of tears. I have a splitting headache. I almost threw up. For the first time in months I feel the urge to self harm. The only thing keeping me from drowning in my own thoughts is music. I don't want to go to school later. I don't want to keep living a lie. I'm so goddamn tired of being Patrick. I just want to be Ashe. ---------- Post added 22nd Sep 2014 at 03:25 AM ---------- Well now I did it. I cut myself. Goddamnit. I've fucked it all up. Damnit damnit damnit. My friends, my family... Damnit damnit damnit gpdamnit why can't I just fucking be me!?
Can you talk to your family about how you feel, and ask them to call you by your real name? Dysphoria seems to worsen when, after expressing your real self, you express your fake self. I think you should talk to a school counsellor if you're uncomfortable being in school just now. We've all been there with the misery and self-hate, but it passes. It's horrible, but there are ways of coping, like what you've found. Think of other things that can ease your stress: what you wear to express yourself, reading, drawing... You don't have to be anyone you don't want to be, because you are Ashe. It's not that you're Patrick and want to be Ashe. You're already Ashe!
I'm sorry Ashe. (*hug*) Hang in there! As Minnie said, maybe you can talk to them and ask them to call you your real name? If you're not ready to come out, asking them to call you by a different name shouldn't give you away.
Well, I ended up cutting again just now. I can't even cry. It's not so much my family, but at school. I have social anxiety, so I already dread the teacher calling on me, but add in the fact that they're calling me by my fake name and I'm just in constant fear there. Plus, I only have two really good friends, and they've both drifted into different 'cliques' for lack of a better word. Mt one friend I've known since the second grade, and I don't want to leave him, but the clique he's been hanging out with is a bunch of jerks, and I highly doubt they'd accept me as Ashe. But my other friend I've known since seventh grade is with a clique that seems like they would. However, I don't know any of them that well, and like I said, social anxiety's a bitch. Any advice or anxiety coping methods? Thanks for the help so far. I really appreciate it.
Are there any LGBT people at your school? Also, maybe you could say "It's Ashe," when someone says your birth name? Correct them?
One of my best friends is bi, but can't risk anyone finding out. His parent's will kick him out if they do. They also check his texts and have begun limiting what he can and can't do during the weekends, so we don't often get a chance to talk about it. I've been hiding alone in my room with the lights off all day (didn't end up going to school at all) and my older sister came in and confronted me about everything. I told her everything except that I began cutting. She's really supportive and taking me to a support group tomorrow for LGBTQ teens. I'm feeling a lot better. And I've already started introducing myself to new people as Ashe, but my "acquaintances" would ask a lot of questions and I'm really not sure coming out to them is a good idea.
