Not sure what I am... transgender, genderqueer, 'just me' or what...???

I apologise in advance that this is going to be rather long. Writing things down helps me sort them out in my head a little, and I would love to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation or can offer any advice.

Growing up, I was never really comfortable being seen as a girl. I was a real tomboy - got my hair cut short as soon as I was allowed and didn't own any girls' clothes apart from my school uniform up to about the age of 14. Strangers always mistook me for a boy and I rarely corrected them, in fact I did everything I could to convince them I was. I'm very grateful that my parents just let me be who I wanted to be and never tried to force me into anything girly.

When I hit puberty I hated having breasts, and I rembember sometimes I would bandage my chest up and look in the mirror to see how well I could hide them - although I never let anyone else see me doing that. I also hated the fact I was made to wear a bra, it was just too inescapably femenine.

I don't know when or how I discovered what 'transgender' meant, but I was definitely spending a long time trawling 'ftm' search results on the internet by the age of about 12. I remember looking up surgery and wishing I could have my breasts removed, but at the same time wondering whether that was something I could actually go through with in real life.

From what I've written, I guess it sounds like I should be pretty sure of my true gender, but I'm not. When I was about 8 I had to write a poem at school called 'I Wish', and I finished it with 'I wish I was a boy' (my teacher spoke to my parents after that!!). However, I knew even then that wasn't 100% accurate. I wasn't happy being female and would definitely rather be seen as male, but I didn't quite feel like a boy. I remember being sad that I would never experience life as a boy, and thinking that if I could be born again I would choose to come back male. But that's not possible and my body is female.

At secondary school I never fitted in at all, and didn't have any real friends. At the age of about 15 I think I decided maybe I'd fit in a bit better if I tried to be a bit more 'normal', so I let my hair grow and stopped buying boys' clothes. Buying womens' clothes was a nightmare. I felt so out of place in the womens' department, and anything remotely femenine just felt like fancy dress. I guess I got used to it over the following 10 years, but I would still always hunt for the most masculine style womens' clothes and do everything I could to avoid wearing a dresses or skirts. I also hated my hair.

A few years ago I saw sense and cut my hair short again. Then last year I discovered that I like women, and got my first girlfriend. At that stage I thought that cleared everything up - I'm just a butch lesbian!! Being with her was the only time I've ever been entirely comfortable being female and didn't want people mistaking me for a boy. However we broke up a while back and when a friend mentioned someone transgender a few weeks ago, it got me questioning myself again.

I decided that I just need to be who I want to be. Sod trying to be 'normal' and fit in. If I don't like women's clothes and spend ages hunting for those that look like mens', why don't I just buy the mens' clothes that I've always liked. So I did. I went shopping and bought mens' (or rather boys' because I'm small!) shoes, trousers and t-shirts - and it feels great! I now don't want to wear anything else and am actually disappointed that no-one seems to be reading me as male and I haven't been receiving funny looks in the ladies' toilets (that wasn't particularly uncommon even before I started wearing mens' clothes again). However I still don't like my chest and would love a more masculine profile. Looking back at photos of me taken over the last few years, the only ones where I actually like how I look and feel like they're showing the real me are the ones where I come across most masculine and the chances are a stranger would take me for a boy.

Now I'm not sure where to go from here or how to resolve this issue in my head. I've accepted that I am definitely somewhere on the transgender spectrum, but I don't know what, if anything, to actually do about it, other than just make sure I am always true to myself instead of trying to fit with societal norms. At this stage I can't imagine actually physically transitioning. As much as I would love and be much happier with a more male profile, it seems wrong for me to surgically alter a perfectly healty body. I also don't particularly want extra body hair and I'm pretty indifferent to having a lower voice. Another worry is that I really enjoy sport and am very competitive - but obviously that's on women's teams, and physically transitioning would make things very difficult there... and I would never be able to compete physically with cismen.

If anyone can offer any words of wisdom it would be much appreciated!!!

 

Thanks for the replies

jay777 - that definitely makes sense, and I can really identify with the teenager qouted on that page. I'm thinking mayebe 'genderqueer' fits best at the moment, if I have to give myself a label. But in a way it's easier not to - I'm just me and whether or not I can label myself makes no difference to anything as long as I am being myself. Although part of me thinks I really want to figure out once and for all how I actually identify!

Absolutely agreed on the gay thing! I was actually sooo happy to discover I was into women :icon_bigg With respect to binding, I would love to try wearing a binder, but at the moment I don't feel like I can justify the expense. I've just stocked up on sports bras though, since I can wear them full time and not worry about being constricted playing sports. Luckily I'm small and they're fairly effective at flattening my chest anyway, but I really would like to see how much difference a binder would make.

Thank you. Sound advice indeed.

Btw I had someone call out 'this is for women' behind me today as I was going into the ladies (!) I forgot that it can be a little awkward though, expecially when you're in a foreign country :icon_redf