A little after summer started, I came out to one of my best friends. She was super accepting and taught me so much. For a month or so I dressed up everyday and would go out to places with her. I had never felt so happy in my entire life. Inevitably though, she did start getting busy again, she had to take classes that had insane amounts of homework, most of my other friends have all left the area, and there really wasn't anyone else to hang out with. I kept trying to be supportive of her, and I was, I can honestly say I was. I thought things would be similar afterwards... but she only got busier, to the point I could only see her once every few weeks... Throughout everything I was getting more and more dysphoric, to the point where I've basically been enraged for weeks on end. The depression has become worse and worse, I feel suicidal on a daily basis. My parents won't accept me, I absolutely cannot tell them, and I know I won't be able to move out for at least a month or two. Everything has become so dark, and I feel like all I have is a burnt out match to light a cavern. I feel like I was expecting way too much from my friends, no one can handle the hell I must have put them through, I mean they have lives too. I haven't really seen anyone for weeks... Last weekend the friend I mentioned previously just couldn't take it... she said we should probably keep our distance. I was just too much for her, and I honestly can't blame her, everything just hurts so much. My heart has been shattered into so many pieces over the course of the summer. It doesn't matter how hard I try to fight my feelings, nothing seems to help. It feels as if scotch tape was used to repeatedly fix something that is in need of a surgeon. I explode in emotion in chat (the only place I can really ever talk to anyone) and try to talk to people as little as possible, because I don't want them to worry, or have to deal with me. There is really only one person left that I can talk to, and I know she can't handle it for much longer. The only time I can ever be myself is on Fridays when I go to my therapist, but even then, it's just not enough. Staying home with my parents throughout each weekend and each night is driving me to the brink of insanity. Is this just a lost cause? I constantly feel like just giving up, like everything in the world is working against me, I feel lost, alone, and hopeless... I feel like a monster. I've run all my life, and I've finally come to a dead end, and that is all that I can see... is death. I don't even know how I'm still going anymore. I should not be able to function even in the slightest. But whatever it is, it just keeps fighting, and fighting, but it's not going to last for much longer. I don't know what to do.
You're blaming yourself for far too much. Have you been completely honest to your friends about how you feel? They all have their own lives, sure, but if they're really your friends I'm sure they want you to be in them. People can help you if you just let them. Are there any support groups you can sneak off to without your parents finding out? And are you absolutely sure they won't accept you? It sounds like you only have one or two months to go. You've made it this far already, you just need to get a little further. Please don't kill yourself. Not when you're so close to becoming free. If you EVER want to talk, I'm open. Please hold on. (*hug*) <3
I have. We were supposed to all move in together in August, but there were some complications and it wasn't going to work for them, so we weren't able to. It caused some trust issues, which is ultimately the reason one of them couldn't go anymore, she knew she couldn't ever be there, and that the relationship was unhealthy, it just hit so hard and so deep. Most of their advice is that things will get better when I realize they can... but it sure as hell doesn't feel like that when my best days plummet into despair after going to the bathroom before work. I don't know of any support groups nearby, but I can look for some. My parents for sure won't accept me, just being depressed they've already said I'm being influenced by evil spirits... I can only imagine the bull---- that would happen if I came out to them.
DEFINITELY look into a support group. I think having a friend to relate to and go out with again as your true self would do wonders. I'm sorry to hear about your parents. I've got an aunt with a similar mindset. I can only imagine what it would be like if my parents had the same one. Make sure you keep talking to your therapist, too. They help a lot. Like I said before, you can talk to me anytime. ~<3
If you live near a decent sized city or pretty much any college campus you should be able to search Google for "Insert City Here" LGBT support group. Also keep your eyes open at the store, church, etc. for billboards. You never know when you might find something! i'd also suggest seeing if your psychologist knows anything.
Ok, sounds good. I do live in a highly conservative area, and have never seen any sort of LGBTQ display other than the pride parade once a year or a small poster at a nearby college for a club. I'll be sure to ask my therapist though.
Yeah. My area isn't exactly liberal center either. I did manage to find one group though. Don't give up! You'll find others somehow, I promise! Good luck! ~<3
