I admit. I feel like a woman. Most of the time I hide it...even from myself. All of the tension in my body is just a mask. It is a protective device to help me survive, but it is time to retire it. Coming into my body and discovering the joy of my real, secret interests (not the fake choices that my tense, male character has made) is, frankly, astonishing. It is confusing to still take part in a life that is so attached to this male character that I have played forever. Looking in mirrors, both literal and metaphorical, is disorienting. I want to quit my job and leave this old life behind me. It is no longer serving me. It also is confusing as hell. I don't know if physically transitioning to a woman will give me the peace of mind I need to feel grounded and real. But what other option is there at this point? I know that I love feeling like a woman, (and not pretending to like things i don't like.) Society has used fear to train me like a dog...but I am not a dog. I am a cat, and I am trying to recover. I want to help myself in however I can to be the real me that makes choices on what my heart wants and not what my head thinks is crucial to survive. I realize that I need tremendous support around me in order for this to happen. I need to be almost pushy in letting others know that I need support. My body is so stressed out that sometimes it seems like an unwise decision to keep going against society's grain. But if I don't, then I am going against my grain. This process is terrifying and confusing, but there is a well of love and truth at the bottom of it. I have touched it briefly and it feels like home. I cannot turn away any longer, but I need strength and support to make my dreams come true. I pray that the universe will support my journey to be truthful and loving to myself. I need all the help I can get.
