So I go through 3 or 4 day phases of being 100% sure of my gender and then switching. Sometimes I don't identify as a gender at all. Has this happened to any of you before? And will It pass. Thanks ever so much for the help!
I did that a a lot at first, basically I was just obsessing about my gender constantly. What I did was stop to think about what I really wanted from life, blocking out all outside factors. Basically I thought about how I feel about my transition from my own perspective, without giving shame, guilt or fear any say in it. If you have trouble separating social conditioning from what you truly want, try to think about if as if you had no choice. Try something like this: What if you went to the doctor and they told you that you had contracted a rare form of bacteria which feed off testosterone, and secrete estradiol*. That would make your body more and more feminine over time. It's resistant to all known medicine, taking testosterone supplements would only feed the bacteria and your estrogen levels would become dangerously high, they decide for the time being there's nothing that can be done. Tests show the bacteria mutate easily to feed off estrogens in your body if testosterone supply is limited, which would leave you without any sex hormones (which is very bad in the long run) if they tried to "starve it out". More research is needed and by the time they come up with something you'll most likely be in your 20s looking very much like a girl anyway. How would you feel about that? That scenario should exclude shame and guilt because you have no control over the situation. If you feel you would likely be ashamed over the body that developed without your control, you need to think some more about your gender. If you feel you'd definitely like that, chances are you can relax and stop obsessing about your gender (this is a conscious effort, every time gender thoughts come up you have to decide not to follow them down the rabbit hole) but it's still not absolutely certain. Also, even if you feel the bacteria-scenario doesn't sound like something you'd enjoy, that doesn't mean you're not a girl, it just means you have to spend more time thinking. I was pretty damn sure about my gender, but that didn't stop me from questioning myself and my motives constantly and trying to convince myself I could never be a woman. I just decided eventually that this is going to happen, and I'm just going to go along for the ride and see what happens. I made a definite, total and final decision about transitioning, and that made me happier because I could stop obsessing and go back to living life. In your case, since you're so young, you could make a final decision on your gender (instead of transitioning) and stop questioning yourself. You actually have full control over what thoughts go through your head and whether or not you'd like to follow them. You also most likely know where the thoughts lead but thinking about gender can be very addictive in a weird way. It will stop when you make it stop, pretty much. Hope that helps you somehow and isn't just a big ramble. I hope you can figure yourself out soon too, obsessing about it is painful! (*hug*) * I know these bacteria make no sense from a biological viewpoint, but this is just a thought experiment.
