Hi Everypony! I woke up this morning, clutching my Rainbow Dash doll, and in tears. Happy tears. I felt loved, I felt loved *by me*. xD That is the first time *ever* in over 40 years, that I loved myself. You all have helped me get here. In the support forum, I have a thread called "So Tired". If you want to see someone hit rock-bottom and get lifted up by their friends, that's what it is. I hope people can get something out of reading it, whenever. I want you to know, the man in agony that started that thread is gone, and at peace. In his place is your Girl, Starfleet, and as my dearest friend taught me yesterday, "I'm too relieved to grieve". I have another post around here, where I talk about my confusion and frustration with wanting to be a hottie, a girl, and wishing I could be like my hero, Captain Picard from Star Trek. The confusion and frustration are gone, too. xD Let me tell you, when you have a family as dysfunctional as mine, you need a touchstone to keep you alive. Star Trek has always been there. I realized today, I can be my hero. No, we don't get those beautiful starships in the reals, but while Federation Starships are what I find most beautiful and symbolic about Trek, the people are what make Trek. My hero, Jean-Luc Picard is a man that: 1: Never gives up. 2. Will never, ever, leave you behind. I realized today, I can be the Diva I want to be, xD and I can be like my hero. I've never given up, and luckily I was never good at suicide. I've promised my dearest friend that I will live out my life to it's natural end, and I will. And I will never leave you behind, either. You, yes *you* are not alone. If you need me, come find your girl. I *mean* it. If I can't help you, I can find someone who can, and I can help hold on til that help comes. Trust me, I'm strong enough to do it, and I'm an adult that cares, about you, and about myself. I'll tell you if I need a minute, if I need space, if I need help. You tell me what you need, too. A good thing about being disabled is, I am here in our safe place a lot. If I'm offline, remember that Starfleet is with you, leave word on my wall, I'm never far away. You are not alone. Here, in our safe place, I am who I want to be, at last. xD Gonna get there in Meatspace too. It's scary, it's gonna take time and Baby Steps, but you're going to see it happen. I hope that Everypony gets to be as happy as I am, and I want to help you find your happiness. Come find your girl.
How funny. I saw you post in another thread and almost sent you a personal message because I felt inspired by you and wanted to reach out. Then I go back to the forums and the first thread I read is from you. =) This thread made me smile because I, like you, am rather new here and have been struggling with the realization that I've been suppressing and in denial about my gender for most of my life. I've always felt way more feminine than every other male I knew, and it's only been recently that I fully understand why. I also now fully understand why I've struggled so much with depression and thoughts of suicide, it was because I wasn't be true to myself. I've gotten so good at wearing the mask of being a male that finally saying and acknowledging to myself that I am a female was like lifting a thousand pound weight off. there are plenty of other issues that are arising because of this but for the first time in as long as I can remember, I feel free, free to be myself. At least, I can be free here, where none of you will judge me for having been born with the wrong parts, where you won't judge me for wanting to act like the girl I always was. Thank you for being brave enough to post here because your bravery has inspired me to be brave too.
