I've been so lost in my head lately, got into some pretty bad places but also had some high points. I feel like I've got to a point where I can be like, "ok this is how I feel now what". But I'm still not sure. Like I'm still questioning my gender and trying on labels and I think I might be gender fluid, or I'm just crazy. So lately I've been getting used to wearing male clothing full time and enjoying it. But now and again I try wearing A piece of womeng's clothing. But I can't anymore, cos I get this horrible feeling. I think it's a bit of dysphoria probably cos I get upset when it will accentuate my female figure, but I feel like its more than that. I feel like I'm turning into the 'girl' I was before, the person I hate. So I guess you could say I feel like I'm becoming a different person, in accepting myself as a guy. But then I realise how crazy this sounds so I stop and try to ignore the self hatred. If I stop thinking like this, then I try thinking of myself as male in my past, and I instantly feel better. I feel so much better about myself and I feel right and like I'm not such a bad person. now sometimes, though I'll forget to think like this and I'll just slip into the habit of misgendering myself again, and I feel horrible and hate myself again. I'm terrified, that no matter how much I transition, I'll never ever be able to escape the girl I was. So this is why I think I mught be gender fluid. I've thought maybe it is just a part of dysphoria, or maybe I just have to get used to gendering myself right? I'm sry if this post makes no sense, but if anyone can maybe give some opinions or advise or relate then thank you! Or maybe I just need to let this all out a bit or I'd completely loose my head:lol:
Hey! First off, I sincerely doubt you're going crazy. Ups and downs and ins and outs are, from what I gather, pretty typical when you're trying to figure all this stuff out. I actually have a similar feeling sometimes, when I have to wear something feminine for a special occasion or visiting family whatever; I do think it's probably dysphoria-related, and you are definitely not alone! Something you might try, whenever you're having conflicting emotions or thoughts, is not to immediately label the thoughts as "crazy-sounding." Allow yourself to have your thoughts and feelings as they naturally occur. Gender is a weird thing. The human mind is a weirder thing. Don't judge yourself too harshly, and maybe it'll be easier to get to the bottom of your discomfort. Also, I dunno if this is what you mean, but when I have hypothetical conversations in my head (other people do that, too, right?), the other person in the conversation typically misgenders me. I think it may be because I have twenty years of experience "being" female and being perceived as such by everyone else, so maybe it's taking some time for my head to get used to being ALLOWED to be male, instead of female. I hope at least a little of that was helpful or reassuring!
