I've been questioning my gender lately. I am a biological female who doesn't conform to traditional gender roles and stereotypes. In fact, I used to be extremely disdainful of "girlish" girls who busily apply make up in school bathroom, shriek when surprised, and so on. I know better now and have learned to respect individual differences, but I really hate being associated with those type of girls just because I am a girl. I deliberately avoid all things "girlish" -- I came to loathe the color pink and refuse to wear any clothing with lace, ribbons, and flowers. Being a socially inept kid, I lack the courage to join the boys (who feels uncomfortable with a girl, and I with them), but I only socialize with girls who aren't "girlish". I don't know when this anti-girlishness started; Mom tells me that I was a princess girl when I was little, and I remember being fine with dresses until elementary school (maybe until 3rd or 4th grade?). But I started to distance myself from "girlish" girls, then from girls in general. Now I feel very uncomfortable being referred to as a "girl", "she", "daughter", and "sister". And while I don't feel like a boy, or that I should be a boy, I do not want to be a girl. I would prefer to be a boy. That is, I would like to have a male body. I hate the physical characteristics that distinguish me as a girl -- breasts, curves, voice, especially. It doesn't help that I am small and shy either. I've done quite a bit of research on transgenderism and transsexualism. Most of the resources I've looked at say that transsexuals experience extreme gender dysphoria since young, and that this often causes depression. Some websites say that depression could be the cause of gender dysphoria, not the effect. Now, while I feel very unhappy with my body, I don't think I have a severe dysphoria or that it existed as a child. And while I do have depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem, I can think of several other reasons for them other than gender dysphoria. So I am confused whether I am a transgender, or if these feelings were caused by other things like depression. One thing I suspect could be responsible for my dysphoria is the gender roles. I intensely dislike the traditional gender roles and social expectations, but I don't want to fight it. I simply want to belong to the gender whose gender roles I desire. Because I've always considered myself a feminist, this idea makes me feel like a massive hypocrite. Another thing is, I may simply be trying to find an excuse for my weakness. While I know that being a transgender is no excuse to be weak, I think that subconsciously I feel that being one would give me a legitimate reason for my depressions and temper tantrums and whatnot. I feel really sorry for exploiting the LGBT movement if this is true, and my self-esteem suffers doubly from these suspicions, but they are always there whenever I question my gender. Sorry for the long rambling. I want to ask the EC people to tell me what I am, but I know in the end only I can give myself an answer I will accept. It's just that I am extremely confused among my self-talk, self-analysis, and self-deceptions. I guess I want some outside feedback. Thanks.
Hi. (*hug*) I don't think you are a hypocrite. These are big issues, and you are dealing with some big questions. Would my example help? I was a boy that always wished to be a girl. I love those girly things, make-up, pretty clothes, shoes. I'm also into more 'male' things like military history and technology. Inside though, I need to be a girl. My friends here helped me figure that out, finally. I do not think you are exploiting us. You are asking questions in a clear, respectful way, and it's okay to not know the answers, to ask for help. My suggestion is to trust yourself. If a label for self excites you, it's worth exploring. Ask yourself - deep inside - what you *need* to be happy? Please feel free to talk to us some more, you can come to me if you'd like, we can just talk. You are among friends.
First off I don't think your a hypocrite! there's no one here who will get annoyed if you change your mind about what your gender is at any point. everyone comes here feeling confused, not fitting into the gender you've been "assigned" is confusing. really really confusing. You say: "While I know that being a transgender is no excuse to be weak, I think that subconsciously I feel that being one would give me a legitimate reason for my depressions and temper tantrums and whatnot." it sounds like in your head you've already made some sort of connection between how you feel and some perceived "weakness". I just want to say that being confused and asking for help, is not weakness. It's scary and you need to brave to go through it. (*hug*) Maybe you feel you need to step outside the traditional gender roles in order to understand who you are? or is it more you feel that you strongly need to be male to understand who you are? or maybe its neither of these and you just need to admit that your confused right now? I think about what you say about the research you've done, you need to be very careful about what you read about transgender people. Especially on the internet! And what you say about who you hang out with, I don't think that really matters to what gender you are! its more what you feel in your heart. also welcome! (&&&) it's nice to know you, you sound like a cool person!
Being transgender was one of the last reasons I thought about as the cause of some of my problems. I don't think it's an excuse, it's simply an explanation. I also had other reasons for my depression and low self-esteem, so I've just recently realised that some of it, although not all, could be due to gender dysphoria. If you want to be another gender than the one you're born with, it makes you trans, doesn't it? I think it's a spectrum, anyway, so some people have more and some less dysphoria. I was also socially inept, and that made it all more difficult. I didn't really fit in with most other girls, and I usually preferred to hang out with boys whenever I could. I tried for a while to be girly but I felt like I was playing a role, and it didn't attract the kind of attention from guys that I wanted (although, I'm also a decidedly queer male). As long as I was being myself, I found people who were like me (male and female), and that was always the best. I also dislike gender roles, but I don't want to fit the male gender roles, either. I just want to be myself. I've also always considered myself a feminist, and it's one factor that made me resist admitting to myself what I really am for so long. I've always felt that I had to be an "example", the proof that girls can be good at technical stuff, that girls can hang out with guys and not feel like they're from another planet, that girls can make the first move, that girls don't have to be girly. It's like I didn't want to fit the stereotype of being trans or butch because it would somehow invalidate my feminism. I think it's one of the reasons that Sally Ride never came out publicly, she didn't want people to say "Well, she's a lesbian, so my beloved gender stereotypes still fit, and normal women can't be astronauts." I've never wanted people to say, "Well, she's a Technical whiz, but she's not a normal woman so my gender stereotypes are still valid." The funny thing is ... people have probably thinking that for years, anyway, so I might as well embrace my queerness and just be myself.
Hmm... Well I'm not transgender but there are some similarities between us so maybe telling a bit of myself will help...can't hurt. Like you I hate pink, girly things, and gender roles. Growing up I was always jealous cause my brother got to do fun boy things while I was stuck doing girly stuff. Gender roles are perpetrated very strongly in church environments. The girls made cards for the elderly while the boys built those wooden dragster derby cars. The girls had tea parties while the boys had a bonfire n halo party. My brother got cool Lego sets like from star wars, and me and my sister got this girly pink n purple horse stable Lego set. Anyways you get the idea. I'd often wished I was a boy simply cause I'd be able to do boy things, like have pellet guns n pocket knives. However I've never had an issue being physically female, except once a month if ya follow. For me I'm fine being female, I just wish there wasn't this idea that it meant I had to be girly too. Since I've grown up, I've gone out n bought Legos, pocket knives, an airsoft gun etc. I still dislike girly clothes, though I don't wear men's clothes....I don't mind the girls clothing cuts, just the colors n patterns. My nieces birthday is coming up and I'm at a loss what to get her, as she's girly so its not like I can relate to what she'd like. Oh n don't even get me started on newborns...everything for girls is pink n purple. Even if you find a blue or green outfit it usually says its a boy on it. Anyways, sorry kinda started a rant. Bottom line, I'm fine with my physical femaleness but have thought many times it'd be easier being male cause I'd be able to do more Guy things. I too tend to gravitate toward less girly girls, but that's cause we share common interests, not cause I hate girly girls. I've a few girly friends and they know how I am, I tend to tease n poke fun if we're out shopping at all the silly girly things they like. I'm not mean bout it though n they tease right back n we have a laugh. If I don't know them I suppose I do tend to think girls always fixing their hair n makeup or shrieking over some new purse a bit shallow n vain. So bottom bottom line (sorry last line I promise) I'm female and I like being female, but I do not believe being female needs to mean I gotta be girly. Female is just a gender God gave me, what I do as a female is up to me. ---------- Post added 3rd Oct 2014 at 03:05 PM ---------- OK, I don't mean to suggest transgenders are somehow rejecting the way God made them by my last line, though in rereading it I can see how it may seem that way hence this post. That's just how I view myself and my gender.
Thank you, everyone. I feel much more comfortable already with those few comments. It's nice to know that others had the same issues and dilemmas before me Especially the feminism issue. I feel like I'm wronging all the great feminists who have made it much easier to live in this world as a female by wanting to renounce my gender. And yeah, the online resources I used probably weren't that good, but they were the only ones available to me. Partly the reason I joined EC too
