University is meant to be where you can learn about and discover yourself, but I get worried about doing my courses while like this - while feeling like I'm not really me. I sometimes wonder if I'm really trans on if I'm non-binary or even if I've had different perceptions of what it means to be female/male, but then I remember the suicidal feelings at my sex. Anyway. I'm scared of not being ME, and I don't want these years of my life where I'm establishing myself to be hindered by how I was born. I'm not comfortable with the idea of being in classes/labs etc and being seen and referred to as female and feeling like people aren't seeing the real me, and not being able to correct people or have the confidence of knowing what I am. Especially when I didn't realise my gender when I was in 1st year.
Do you have supportive friends at uni? If so you could try presenting as male and see how it feels, especially if you're living away from your parents. I know there's exams and stuff to worry about and of course you don't want your gender to interfere with your course but it could be the ideal time to start testing the waters.
I started transitioning in the last year of high school which was sucky but I'm glad I was able to start uni right off the bat presenting/living as male. I still don't pass all of the time but it's much better than living a facade. A really good friend of mine didn't even realise he was trans until his second year, and started transitioning in his third. He regrets it, yes, but I think he's done incredibly well for himself. He talked with administration about changing his name on school records, emailing professors about which name/pronouns to use, and started presenting as male. It was a tough road I'm sure, but now he's over a year on hormones, has had his legal documents changed, and from what I know, everyone respects his gender identity and to most people he's stealth, so. It's entirely possible. I agree with testing the waters and maybe attempting to present as male at school, asking professors/teachers about using preferred name and that such. Being trans in school sucks, but there are ways to navigate through and around it.
My first 2 years of college, I was female/genderfluid. It was not until later on that I realized that I was FtM. Sometimes I wish that I could've just come into college as being male, but then I remember that at that time I was still working to discover myself. For me, the process of self-discovery took a while. It can be hard to transition after everybody has known you before, but it can be done. I transitioned over the summer, so I would have time to email my professors and inform my residence hall staff. Everybody has been awesome, and while there have been some slip ups, people have come around in the end. So, if you are not 100% sure, I would not come out yet. You still have some time to figure things out, and you do learn a lot more about yourself in college.
