Being trans and being you (Sorry, massive post)

I'm really struggling at the moment with my identity. I don't know who I am or who I want to be. All I am sure about is my gender. I'm 100% sure I'm not female, probably about 80% sure that I'm male, but I don’t really know what I want to do about it. This may sound unrealistic but my feeling is that until I have a better idea of who I am as a person, I'm not comfortable with making any permanent, non-reversible changes to my body in spite of my dysphoria.

I have found that ever since I started imagining myself and thinking of myself as a man, I have become increasingly uncomfortable with many aspects of myself which I considered 'feminine' to the point where I have stripped everything back, not only about my appearance (which I consider to be only natural), but also about my personality. I can no longer socialize with other people easily because I get uncomfortable participating in the social chit chat that I consider to be more typical of women than men; I can no longer pursue any of my previous interests (drawing, painting, keeping pets and caring for them, visiting galleries, shopping, reading, meeting with a friends for drinks/lunch/coffee) without getting dysphoric and feeling that these things are no longer the right 'fit' for me; I can no longer enjoy and appreciate things of beauty as I used to; I can no longer enjoy dressing fashionably or in a co-ordinated way; I can no longer listen to the genres of music I used to enjoy and although I still maintain a vegetarian diet, I am uncomfortable doing so in my ‘new’ gender. It is very rare that I feel able to acknowledge or accept my past and everything that has shaped me into who I am.

I suppose in a way I feel that had I been born male, all of this would never have happened. Most likely, I wouldn't have been the quiet and shy person that I am and found myself the target of bullies throughout most of my school life; I wouldn't have sought solace in academic achievement as a result and subsequently left school with grades which supposedly make me 'intelligent'; I probably would never have gone to university to train as an artist/designer; I wouldn't have been socialized as female and had the few fleeting friendships that I did have and I definitely wouldn't have struggled with anorexia. Instead, I imagine I would have been a lot more like my brother. Knowing this makes me want to obliterate all traces of my life so far; not only physically by way of getting rid of things I associate with the old me, but also mentally by way of changing my personality. In some ways I wish that there was the option of pressing the delete button and starting again but this time round, making sure that everything about me says ‘guy’. I know that I can’t erase my memories but everything else is possible. I can change my name; I can transition medically; I can change my mannerisms, the way I walk and talk; I can change career path; I can take up new hobbies and interests; I can revert back to eating meat; I can leave everyone I have ever known behind me; I can leave my life as I have known it and start over. Without sentiment clouding my judgement, this is what I really desire; to be a ‘real’ man whose past and identity as a trans-man is unknown to those around me. Perhaps I haven’t given enough thought to how difficult that would be for me to maintain, never mind the chances of it being possible (I’m not likely to ever pass as a cis male) but I suppose I crave anonymity and hate the idea that my personal struggles will be plain for all to see.


However, on some level I am both frightened and saddened by having lost all connection with the things that I used to enjoy, the people I used to know and everything that has made me who I am. Maybe I’m just being sentimental which I often am but I don’t want to lose the old me altogether and that’s how this transition feels. I know that logically there is no reason why I shouldn’t enjoy or participate in some of the things I used to but they just don’t feel right for me anymore. To me, they reflect who I was, not who I am now or who I see myself becoming in the future. Yes, there was a time when I genuinely did enjoy these things but in the years coming up to the time when I realised I was trans, my interest was already waning and I had begun to detach myself from them. In spite of this, it still frightens me that I see no place for anything associated with who I was in my life of the future. Based on my experience of transition so far, I suspect that I won’t even feel like me anymore and that is a terrifying thought. Perhaps I am looking at this the wrong way but I thought that transitioning was about becoming true to yourself yet the path that I am taking feels like I am losing me and I don’t want to. I still want to feel like me.

Has anyone else gone through this? How did you cope?

 

If you feel as if you're not being true to yourself maybe you are on the wrong path?

I don't think you have to change everything about yourself to be a man ... men are not monolithic creatures, a man can read, draw, paint, keep pets, and be fashionable without being less of a man. I think I'd actually be more fashionable as a man than as a woman, because I notice and enjoy men's fashions much more than I notice and enjoy women's fashions.

I don't think most people are 100% masculine or feminine, and I've known plenty of straight cis males who enjoy some or all of those things you listed (even shopping, they just do it in different stores.)

 

Just remember you're you before you're your gender. I have trans guy friends who were uncomfortable with feminine things prior to transitioning, but once they were on the other side, could enjoy them. Wearing female clothes, for example. At some point it just became drag for them, and not some obligation, since they didn't have to hide behind them anymore.

It's too bad being a man usually means forfeiting anything considered remotely "gay" or "feminine" in our society, and I can definitely see how trans men would especially struggle with this. Most cis guys have been taught to repress those things from an early age, so are unaware of and fear them.

I know it might sound like bs right now, but I truly think transgender people are privileged to see how two (and more) different worlds operate, when cis men and women have such a hard time figuring one another out. If anything, I see us as mediators who cut through everything else and see people for who they really are, and not just a member of some biological clique.

 

Hi. I'd like to say that you can change your Gender without changing *you*. I'm so happy since I embraced my inner girl, allowing myself to feel like a girl, to do the things that feel girly for me.

But, I'm still a Trekkie. I still discuss armored vehicles, Napoleon, and nuclear weapons. Not typically "girly" to most folks, I would think. But being a fan of military history is "me". It's just that now, I'm a Fangirl! :icon_bigg

 

I'm me. I just like to be perceived as female. It's that simple in my case.

I haven't forsaken every male thing I do. I just like being a girly girl now. Who likes video games and gross humor and what not.

 

I agree with Kasey. But like reversed.

I don't mean to sound insensitive, but you seem like a remarkably self-loathing person. I say that not out of malice, but as an observation coming from someone that's dealt with depression and anxiety for years - I am a self-loathing person. That feeling of wanting to completely obliterate that person you used to be, to desire to be someone different and unrecogniseable from what you were, that's a feeling I've felt at my deepest lows. In a word, you're dissociating. One question you might want to ask yourself is, do you want to become the person you want to become because you legitimately love everything about that person and being that person, or because you want to be anything but what you've already been? This question has nothing to do with your gender - it goes beyond gender. It isn't about the pink and blue. It's about the basics of you.

Don't let yourself grasp out for anything but what you've already been. If anything feels like a stretch to you, or feels uneasy or wrong, even if it feels better than what you used to be, re-evaluate where you're headed or you risk running into another low, becoming someone else you despise. Build a better you, and an authentic one. And take care of yourself. (*hug*)

 

What some of the others have said you sound a little self loathing...I knew the feeling before I came out as transgender....

It's actually what took me so long to come out to myself actually. I brushed self-loathing off as simply wanting to be anything else other than me not knowing it was because I was transgender.

You're in the self loathing stage it's gonna be a while before you come out of it ^^.

I wouldn't say I'm a girly girl though more of a mix between tomboy/girly girl.

You can still be you and be a man...I mean I don't have to act like a stereotypical girly girl to be a woman do D: ?

 

Thanks for the replies and no offense taken.

I am seriously worried now though. If transitioning isn't meant to feel like your becoming another person and is supposed to feel like what I have already been, I'm not sure where this leaves me. I'm not female, I know that as much. But am I really male in the way that I have been thinking? Is transitioning right for me? I actually don't know.

 

You might have a look at this:
http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anonymous-gender-identity-expression/149111-am-i-ftm.html#4

 

some of that ^ I can really relate to. Not all of the time though. I'd say half of the time.

 

Anonym - I *do* feel like that man was another person. I'm a woman now. I'm a woman that has most if not all of the same interests and hobbies, but I'm expressing myself and my interests differently. I'm open to emotion, I get giddy, and tear up, and act "girly". Girly for me, that is.

I'm sorry that I mis-understood you at first. I wish you all the best on your journey, and please come find me if I can help with anything.

 

You sound a lot like me.

I just made a thread if you want to read it and see how you compare.

I can't really help otherwise because I'm going through something similar Dx

 

Maybe it's better to put it this way...

It's not meant to feel like you're becoming a different person, or staying who you've already been. It's meant to feel like you're becoming more authentic to yourself.

I'm certainly not the same person I was, and thank gourd for that. But there are elements of me that haven't changed, and I don't think they're likely to. For example, I love animals. Since coming out to myself and the few people I've told, I've not only remained vegetarian, but gone full vegan. I've also got two cats that I spoil rotten. If anyone were to say it makes me less masculine, I'd just make some remark about how any caveman can be cruel but real men show compassion. It's sort of like some things you learn when you're figuring yourself out, they matter more, and they stick. For me, being a vegetarian, that's something that matters, and something that's gonna continue to stick. Other things, they're convenient for a while, but then they're not relevent anymore. I've dropped a lot of the things that I used to think were important when I was younger, because they just weren't as right or important as I thought. I think that's just part of growing as a person.

Transition is part of figuring yourself out when you're trans. And it is a big change, but it shouldn't be an unnatural one. Yes there's sometimes worry, and doubt, and confusion, and sometimes there's trying to change too fast, or feeling like you're not changing enough. But it shouldn't be something you force to fit. Just do what works for you, and be the best guy you can be.

 

Am I becoming more authentic to myself? I can't really say because I don't know who I am. I know who I was but as I said, none of the things that made up the old me feel right for me any more. To give you an idea of where I'm at right now, I don't know how I want to dress as a man and to be honest, I don't even care. To me, how I look is of no importance to me at all. My bedroom is literally empty apart from my furniture. I can't bear to add anything decorative like pictures on the walls, carpets or lamps. It does seem strange to me that I used to like such things as fashion and decor as female whereas now I don't care. Maybe I'm just a man who doesn't care for such things?

 

Maybe you just need to give yourself some time to adjust. I've been subconsciously transitioning for many years, so I've had a long time to let my interests evolve, to let go of the things that I only did because I was "supposed" to do them to fit in with other women. I'm actually not sure if I want to try transitioning to full man, because I'm not sure if it's worth the price at this point of my life, but I'm going to try out being consciously androgynous and see how things go.

Do you have any close male friends or colleagues? If not, it might help to cultivate a few acquaintances. I think it's been really helpful for me that I know so many men outside of romantic relationships, because they sort of act as "role-models", in that I'm able to see the wide range of what it means to be a man.

I've always been able to find men that share my interests (well, maybe not crochet, but I don't do that much, anyway). For instance, I think almost all of the artists I've known have been male, and I've had no trouble finding men who like to read.

 

Ok. I'm going to be honest. 100% honest I always hate myself for posting personal info online but I'm really struggling. I'm writing this partly for my own benefit and partly in hope of getting some feedback......

Before I realized I was trans, I used to enjoy dressing fashionably and going clothes shopping with my sister; I loved animals which is why I haven't eaten meat for the past 10 years; art was my main hobby and I was always drawing, painting, taking photographs and making things; I enjoyed buying decor for my room to make it look the way I wanted; I used to enjoy meeting friends and family for lunch or tea and cake; I always bought thoughtful gifts for my family at Christmas, birthdays etc; I was addicted to reading and I had just started to enjoy nights out drinking with friends from work and uni. In fact, I had only just started to enjoy being with other people.

Since realizing that I'm trans, I no longer care about how I look or dress. Obviously I no longer go shopping with my sister but I don't enjoy shopping for clothes at all. I don't care about animals or being vegetarian anymore; I'm not the least bit interested in any of my old hobbies and have no desire to go back to them; my room is pretty much empty apart from my furniture and I don't care how it looks; I no longer care about my family and buy gifts for birthdays, Christmas etc; I occasionally meet up with one friend who knows that I'm trans but deep down I am wanting to break off that friendship; I can't bear being around other people and look for opportunities to be alone whenever I can. Basically, the person I see myself becoming is a man who doesn't care about any of the things I used to. The only way I can see a future for myself is if I transition medically, move out of the area and leave everybody I have ever known behind me having no further contact with them, retrain so that I can work in a definitively masculine role that involves as little interaction with others as possible and take up new interests like video games and watching sport. I don't see myself as being a man who cares about how I look or dress; I don't see myself wanting friends, relationships or a family (not that these things are possible for me anyway) and I definitely don't want to be known. I want to be anonymous, somebody whose presence is unnoticed until they are absent.

I have accepted that this change in me will happen. It is happening already. I no longer identify with any of the things that made up who I was and can't see me reconnecting with them in the future. I can't believe how far along the wrong track I was. The problem is that I don't see myself as having become a better person because of these changes. I hate who I am now and who I see myself becoming even more than I hated who I was before. More and more often I see how I am just like my father (for those of you that don't know, he is not someone you would aspire to be like) and have the traits I have always hated in men. I'm scared. Really scared. I feel as though I'm becoming another person. I know this person must have always been there inside me but because I wasn't even aware of him being there until a couple of years ago, becoming him does not feel like I'm becoming authentic to myself. Instead it feels like I'm moving away from everything that I ever was to somebody that I don't know and don't really like. I don't feel like me anymore. I often feel out of control, as though I am fighting with something internally and must make sure that it doesn't out-win me. The old me felt safe. I knew her and she would never do anything to hurt anyone but this new me often feels unsafe around other people. Because I don't really know him at all, I feel as though I don't know how he will react to things. Over the past couple of years since I started thinking that I was trans, I also have frequently felt a danger to other people, especially those close to me. I no longer feel as though I can trust myself or that I should be trusted by others. I am no longer my parents' daughter or even their son. I am no longer a sibling to my brother and sister. I feel like a cat among the pigeons. This is not who I ever wanted to be yet by my own choosing, I am already becoming this person. I feel like I am a passenger in a moving car that I can't get out of. I don't want to feel like this. I want to feel like me, the old me that was so placid and gentle, so safe, but she's gone and I will never get her back.

 

Reminds me a lot about the book of Job. Maybe give it a read, it might make you feel better.


Anyways.



My first initial thoughts and impressions were:

-You're letting trans define you, rather than trans being a part of you.
-You're depressed.


Take those two in for a minute. Being trans doesn't -change- who you are, being trans is just a label to those who do not fit the initial given binary of gender/sex. Someone's likes and dislikes do not really change, they usually only get more time allocated to their attention or become slightly more/less enjoyed.

It sounds to me it's not a trans issue that's bothering you but something else.
Our tastes can change, both literally and figuratively, don't be afraid of liking new things and likewise don't cling to the past. Looking in the mirror can be a freaky thing, old pictures as well, you probably think "Who was that person?", "That was me? I felt so different then". Parts of me struggle with losing how I was/am as a male, but deep down I always knew how I felt.

Don't get so caught up in one thing that you lose sight of the others. Remember, /why/ are you trans in the first place? A girl can act like a guy and a guy can act like a girl, but what /defines/ being trans to YOU? Not anyone else, but you! If you don't know the question or the answer, how can you solve the work inbetween? Make sure you have conviction and know what it is that makes you, you.




Now onto the depression point. It sounds simple, but oftentimes when people are depressed they become recluse and shun everything.
For years even though I needed glasses I refused to get them. I sat at the back of the class even though I couldn't see the board. I got bullied but shrugged it off. I had no friends, but I didn't need them! Food was just a filler. Friends were just a pasttime. Grades in a flawed world made no sense to begin with. It goes on.
Life starts to feel utterly meaningless. You search for a reason to even go on or to understand what the point is even.
It becomes easier to detach everything and reject all strings rather than actually accept or deal or attempt to fix them. Also nevermind talking to anyone about your issues, because either you're having a pity party for yourself, or you self guilt that you have it better than a kid in a third world country.

Please don't shun the world around you. The path you're speaking of sounds easy and seems like the best option but it's a lonely path. If you let the past haunt you, you will never find your future. The past is a part of you, you can't deny it, but you can accept it. If you accept that you're a flawed, but ultimately beautiful human being you'll be able to realize that everyone has their issues and yours just might be more physical or mental than others but in no way unique or unheard of.



Sorry if my post is a little bit everywhere, but it sounds like you lost your purpose in life. That or you realized you never had it to begin with and start breaking the facade. You need to find the reason to your happiness, and your answer about life.
It often feels like we are under generational curses, that we inherit the demons of our fathers/mothers, but know that your parents do not define you and you are not them. You already wish to learn the wisdom and lessons regarding your father, so give it time, work it out, and figure out what went wrong so you can avoid the same troubles.
As for your internal struggles or wrestling, maybe this will click with you;

"A enemy doesn't attack that which is of no threat. An enemy attacks once a threat begins to show".

Maybe having your eyes opened a little or learning more about the world/yourself has opened up doors that were shut before, and are why you lived in relative bliss.

If I'm too off base with any of this I apologize, and for the record I don't feel you are being over personal ^^
Love you!

 

I wanted to say that it sounds like you are depressed to me too. I recognize a lot of the things you describe from when I was depressed. I didn't care about my hobbies (except those that draw on my OCD, but that's a different story), I felt lost, and I didn't care what I looked like. I am doing a lot better now, and I have found some of my hobbies again. I am also really starting to figure out who I am. I never figured that out before. I see a therapist and that has helped me a lot. There are therapists out there who can help guide you through finding who you are including being more masculine and how that looks for you. Good luck with everything. It isn't easy but it gets better over time. (*hug*)

 

See, here's the issue. You're on the wrong path.

You're becoming someone you hate more than the person you were before. You're not making the change - you're letting the change make you. Somewhere between your initial realization of your transness and the present, you lost your sense of direction. You've got to try and take the reigns again.

And if you're depressed, and you do sound quite depressed, you might need a little help. But that's alright really - we all need a push in the right direction sometimes.

The fact is that nothing is fated. There's no one way for things to turn out - unless you set your mind to that one way. We're the only ones that really control the directions our lives take. Sure, people come and go and influence parts of our lives, like our careers and social lives, but when it comes to being the kind of people we want to be, that's all on our shoulders. You're only set to turn out one way if you tell yourself that you're set to turn out that way, and then refuse to take charge and change it.

You don't have to be your dad's mini-me. You can be any kind of person you want to be. I know right now it's hard because you haven't got a clue who you are, I know, because I've been there myself, but it isn't impossible to piece yourself together. You need to reassociate with yourself because you've been dissociated for so long. Figure out what you like and what you don't. Ask yourself why you like or don't like things, and give yourself real answers - no "because I'm supposed to" or "because it's manly" allowed. If you can't think of a single thing you like to get yourself started, hell, go down the alphabet if you have to, from apples to zoologically improbable creatures. Just start somewhere. You'll start to get a real picture of yourself soon enough, I promise. It sounds stupid, I know, but it'll help you reassociate with yourself, and it'll make you feel a lot less lost, a lot less numb, and a lot more real. And if you're lucky, you'll start to see a bit of someone you don't hate.

 

See, here's the issue. You're on the wrong path.

You're becoming someone you hate more than the person you were before. You're not making the change - you're letting the change make you. Somewhere between your initial realization of your transness and the present, you lost your sense of direction. You've got to try and take the reigns again.

And if you're depressed, and you do sound quite depressed, you might need a little help. But that's alright really - we all need a push in the right direction sometimes.

The fact is that nothing is fated. There's no one way for things to turn out - unless you set your mind to that one way. We're the only ones that really control the directions our lives take. Sure, people come and go and influence parts of our lives, like our careers and social lives, but when it comes to being the kind of people we want to be, that's all on our shoulders. You're only set to turn out one way if you tell yourself that you're set to turn out that way, and then refuse to take charge and change it.

You don't have to be your dad's mini-me. You can be any kind of person you want to be. I know right now it's hard because you haven't got a clue who you are, I know, because I've been there myself, but it isn't impossible to piece yourself together. You need to reassociate with yourself because you've been dissociated for so long. Figure out what you like and what you don't. Ask yourself why you like or don't like things, and give yourself real answers - no "because I'm supposed to" or "because it's manly" allowed. If you can't think of a single thing you like to get yourself started, hell, go down the alphabet if you have to, from apples to zoologically improbable creatures. Just start somewhere. You'll start to get a real picture of yourself soon enough, I promise. It sounds stupid, I know, but it'll help you reassociate with yourself, and it'll make you feel a lot less lost, a lot less numb, and a lot more real. And if you're lucky, you'll start to see a bit of someone you don't hate.