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possible transguy with self doubt and needs help

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by mrjoshmh, Oct 5, 2014.

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  1. mrjoshmh

    mrjoshmh
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    Hi everyone and thanks if you are reading this

    Im 16 and for 3-4months I have been questioning my gender. I am biologically female but do not feel female. Saying this, i do not know if i feel completely male either, and so am quite confused. When i feel really down, i get loads of self doubt and that i am just kidding myself, that "i just want to be male but am not actually".
    I often feel like i am wasting my life in this period of uncertainty - i should just accept and come out or move on. This in between phase is killing me, i just feel like my entire life is a lie and im wasting it all. I look at 'normal' cisgirls and think i should just be like them because i cant do anything about not being male. Although im at the age of parties and i had to go to a james bond themed one. I thought it would be great until i realised i would have to go as a bond girl and not bond. I cried before i got ready. then something weird happed: i enjoyed the party. although i hated what i was wearing i liked the attention i was getting (although not from the guys). this made me more confused but i dont know whether it was just the attention i was craving as ive never been in a relationship before, not even a silly primary school one, so ive never kissed anyone or had that kind of attention before and so i wasnt sure how to react. Nothing happened at the party so i have nothing to base it on. but i knew i felt like i was going in drag (sorry i dont mean this in an offensive way i just dont know how else to express it) when i was in a dress, as how much i want to go in a suit.

    ive recently moved into my brothers room as he is at uni and he has left a lot of his clothes. this means i often try on his jackets etc and this makes me feel so much better about myself. whenever i wear my boxers (not my brothers hehe) that i bought in secret it feel so right, just like whenever i bind, pack and wear more masculine clothing i have. I really hate my body and its feminine features (esp chest, lack of muscle/hair, hip-shoulder width) and would absolutely LOVE to cut all my hair off. everything about presenting as female upsets me. but i still dont know if i am male inside. im at this point where this feeling of uncertainty is now worse than my physical dysphoria.

    Part of it is because i have not known all my life. i was quite a tomboy growing up (im an identical twin and she was always known as the girly one while i was known as the tomboy) and i liked to do boy things (football, video games, cars etc) and i most definitely preferred boys clothing. but most of my friends were female , if not all up until a few years ago, although i do think that is partly because i was very unconfident and made my friends through my twin and she made female friends. I do feel more comfortable with guys although it is not much more than girls as i have been around them for my whole life. i have more in common with the guys as well, as whenever i go shopping with my girl friends i dread the make up counter and generally all about shopping. i hate shopping for clothes unless it is in the guys section, but then i am scared to buy anything because my parents want me to be girly. i have not come out so have little basis for contradiction other than "i dont like them" but that rarely works.

    I just feel like i can never be happy as ill never know who i am and that because ill never be happy my entire life is just a waste and completely pointless. ive lost all of my motivation and am falling behind at school - i used to be straight A*s pretty much but no i am not putting any effort in as i just dont want to anymore. i dont enjoy anything that i used to enjoy and feel like ill never enjoy anything again, all i can hop for is a distraction or to just end it all. i waste all of my time not doing anything and then feel like my entire life is a waste and i dont know what to do because i cant tell any of this to anyone because i feel i should only come out when i am certain i am trans and i dont know if i am so i cant discuss this with anyone. i just have to have an overly happy facade the whole time and its tiring me out.

    sorry that this is long so i guess i should cut it off here, i just need help with whether or not i am trans and how to carry on generally and how to deal with self doubt.

    thanks for reading this and if you reply :slight_smile:
     
    #1 mrjoshmh, Oct 5, 2014
  2. Starfleet

    Starfleet Guest

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    Hi There. I'm sorry you are hurting.

    You sound like you need to feel more male. A lot of what you've said sounds opposite from me cos I was the average guy that really *is* a girl inside, I need to feel girly, to do the things I think of as girly.

    I think you need to think and feel about what you really need to feel happy. Talk with us some more, many of us here can relate to those feelings. :slight_smile: When I joined, I was drowning in despair. Now, I'm a happy girl, at least here I can be a happy girl. :slight_smile:

    All the best, and let us help. :slight_smile:
     
    #2 Starfleet, Oct 5, 2014
  3. mrjoshmh

    mrjoshmh
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    Thank you for this
    I feel like i should do what you said and will continue to talk on here thanks for the advice :slight_smile:
    i know that i would be so much happier if i was in a male body, i just dont know how to get there or whether i am truly male inside :slight_smile: but i will think about it more and do more male things to see how that feels for me.
    thanks again, you were a real help :slight_smile:
     
    #3 mrjoshmh, Oct 5, 2014
  4. Starfleet

    Starfleet Guest

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    :slight_smile: You are welcome. Trust yourself, share your thoughts, you'll figure out what is right for you. :slight_smile:
     
    #4 Starfleet, Oct 5, 2014
  5. mrjoshmh

    mrjoshmh
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    I will do :slight_smile: i am seeing a counsellor for the first time tomorrow and although i am nervous i think it is a step in the right direction to sort everything out :slight_smile: thanks once more for the reply
     
    #5 mrjoshmh, Oct 5, 2014
  6. Starfleet

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    I think that's a good idea. :slight_smile: We are all here to help each other. Good luck on your journey. :slight_smile: If you'd ever like to talk or need something, come find your girl Starfleet. :slight_smile:
     
    #6 Starfleet, Oct 5, 2014
  7. AsheTheHuman

    AsheTheHuman
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    Hello! It's good that you're seeing a counselor. They should be able to help you out. Like Starfleet said, experiment. Try more things that make you *feel* like a boy. I know it seems hopeless, but you'll figure it all out. We're here for you every step of the way, okay? (*hug*)
     
    #7 AsheTheHuman, Oct 5, 2014
  8. Acm

    Acm Guest

    You sound trans to me, of course it's your decision to make though, but yes I think you sound trans. Good luck :slight_smile:
     
    #8 Acm, Oct 5, 2014
  9. laut

    laut
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    Someone once said to me what helped them realise they need to transition is that you don't have to be 100% sure that you're definitely a gender right now and always will be. You just need to pursue what makes you feel best about yourself.

    I get a sense of 'but am I allowed to call myself male?' from your post, and the answer to that is yes, you are. Just like you're allowed to call yourself any gender that makes you feel best about yourself, if that turns out not to be male.
     
    #9 laut, Oct 5, 2014
  10. Starfleet

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    That's a good point. When I joined EC, I identified as CisMale and Bi. Soon, seeing so many different people posting about their Gender differences, I changed my status to "Genderfluid".

    With the help of some very dear friends, I realized that I'm a girl inside. I changed my status to "Female trans* as you see, and Bi or -Pan for orientation. And you know what? Not one person judged me negatively, and many helped me celebrate that I am finding my answers. :slight_smile:
     
    #10 Starfleet, Oct 5, 2014
  11. Michael

    Michael
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    Be careful about school, because this is about your future. I've been feeling just like you lately, that my entire life is a waste because I was born like this. Those feelings come and go, or at least that is my experience. It seems to be trans is to be in an emotional rollercoaster. You'll have better days, trust me. Keep looking for the things that make you happy : Wearing the right clothes, exercise, change your voice, etc...

    As they said, you sound trans. Consider yourself lucky : You are pretty young and still have time, there is no rush and there is resources. You are not on your own here.

    Take care about your school, ok? Oldtimer's advice :icon_wink
     
    #11 Michael, Oct 5, 2014
  12. mrjoshmh

    mrjoshmh
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    Thank you all for your support and reassurance and ill try my best at school and look forward to the better times :slight_smile: I will be sure to stay on here to get more support but you all have been a great help so far :slight_smile: thanks again to everybody who replied or just read my post :slight_smile:
     
    #12 mrjoshmh, Oct 5, 2014
  13. Starfleet

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    Hey, we're glad to offer support, we're all in a similar boat. :slight_smile:
     
    #13 Starfleet, Oct 5, 2014
  14. mrjoshmh

    mrjoshmh
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    Thanks again for everything and i saw the counsellor today and it was helpful. I'm going back tomorrow and hopefully it will help although i will continue to post and get help here too :slight_smile:
     
    #14 mrjoshmh, Oct 6, 2014
  15. Starfleet

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    That's great! :slight_smile: Good luck with all of this. Please remember, by posting here you are helping others even while you are getting help. :slight_smile:
     
    #15 Starfleet, Oct 6, 2014
  16. mrjoshmh

    mrjoshmh
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    will do :slight_smile: thanks :slight_smile:
     
    #16 mrjoshmh, Oct 6, 2014
  17. DoriaN

    DoriaN
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    I would say dress how you like. Girls can get away with presenting as a guy, it's unfair but for you it's an asset.

    Cut your hair.

    Wear what you want.

    After a while, THEN you can make more decisions. Perhaps dressing more male will be enough, but if you are worried about how you are perceived or you feel like it's not enough; then you can make more concrete establishments.

    At worst you might get called a dike for the short hair, but it's a slap compared to anything major. Hair can grow back, clothes can change, so don't stress too much.

    Even just simple stuff like jeans or hoodies or darker clothes will fly without suspicion. If female pronouns or compliments bother you it might be another clue, and if male compliments or pronouns make you feel good it would be another indicator.

    Give it time, you're young which is huge, and transitioning to male is very simple so it won't have too many stresses aside from social stigma, AND transmen pass way way easy so your only real worry is making sure you /know/ how you feel and where you want to commit.

    Hope that helped!
     
    #17 DoriaN, Oct 6, 2014
  18. mrjoshmh

    mrjoshmh
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    Thanks Dorian it did help. You mentioned pronouns and I do feel uncomfortable with female pronouns - I've been mistaken for a guy 3 times before and all of hem made me feel great :slight_smile: I think I will cut my hair soon - it's length is becoming more and more of a problem for me. Thanks for your help :slight_smile:
     
    #18 mrjoshmh, Oct 7, 2014
  19. WhiteRaven

    WhiteRaven
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    You really sound trans to me. You don't have to know it from a young age on. I personally never KNEW like others did either. Sure, I had some doubts, I felt "off", I felt like "stuff was wrong", but shrugged and went on as usual. When I said something about it once, people told me not to make such a fuss... and that's what I did. Stopped making a fuss about it. Evaded it. Denied it. But it eventually came back to me anyway.
    As long as you have dysphoria (body or social dysphoria, most have both, but possibly in different intensities), and identify as male, you are trans. Even your presentation and interests don't matter, there are also femme transguys, and many discover it till they are way in their 40s.
    I feel like there are "three age groups" in transpeople. The group who "ALWAYS knew", whose parents ALWAYS knew, whose surroundings ALWAYS knew, and whom are the "classical" example of transgenders, the second is us, discovers it mid or post puberty, the third is way post puberty into middle-aged, the people who only transition until they are 40 or 50+.
    So nothing weird here bro. It's totally ok. Just be who you are. Be happy. You are good as you are! :slight_smile:
     
    #19 WhiteRaven, Oct 7, 2014
  20. mrjoshmh

    mrjoshmh
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    Thanks WhiteRaven for the reassurance and clear help there :slight_smile: you helped a lot with the self doubt :slight_smile: thanks again
     
    #20 mrjoshmh, Oct 11, 2014
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