1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Gift,Curse, or Just WTF

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by yollHtreboR, Oct 8, 2014.

  1. yollHtreboR

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2014
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    So recently I been having vivid memories of my much younger youth. Basically elementary middle school type memories. Anyways for years I have questioned my self on my image,gender, and views. one of the questions I find myself asking for as long as I can remember. Why was I not born female mostly in my years being in elementary and middle school years. Hell sometimes I even cross dressed in secret to be honest I still do on very rare occasions. Usually I have a mental break down before I do anyways. I even used to have dreams as a child my earliest dream which was very weird and I still don't understand it even today. Was a dream of Plastic looking box with holes on each sides of the box and then all of a sudden I see two dicks touching each other. I must have been seven when I dreamed that one.
    then that last one which was me as a Women I just turned 16. The dream put me in a panic for one I was adept to the social norm of society what I was taught normal anyways. Two it was surreal for me. Three It was the best sleep in my life since I had the dream of me looking above myself in ghost form. So and now here I am 23 years young really stuck in traditional norms.
    I had a job fixing Semi trucks which I really enjoyed BTW. But I ultimately lost due to employee complications. I don't mind being a Male role model in the world. But I certainty don't prefer the male Embodiment of it. So I tolerate it in the name of my Lord. I absolutely positively love BBW (Big beautiful women) and working like a man should work. But I am not satisfied with how I live my life physically and emotionally. I was raised in a hardcore Christian environment and when I think about my life I think nothing its so dark to me it become so unclear. I mean I haven't been able to recall any amusing dreams except for what I call Forecasting. What I mean I can only Remember dreams that mean something real for example. A family member died recently and I had to attend a funeral also loosing my job all in one day. the day before I dreamed about a Corn snake and it bit me. that dream indicated to me the day I woke up. its going to be a rough ride soon where is my scotch whiskey. every time I have the dream of the corn snake someone in my family died. if it bites me that means its going to be a intense day. I will also have visions of my greatest achievements before I even achieve them. for example I constantly dream of how I will Die apparently in this dream I changed the views of the world in some way that day. that night I would go to sleep like any other human being. only to inhale and exhale for the last time. from there on I feel the sensation of everlasting peace for a few seconds and wake up only to fall asleep again. So I tell people all the time I know my time here is done the moment I spat something out of my mouth or done something that changes the view of how we see things for ever. then chuckle lightly about it and move on. but other than that most of the time when I sleep its just darkness that I see. When I was in school I would dream all the time E,M, and H schools that is. I find myself not wanting to do certain tasks to help suppress these fem feelings I have which do work but makes my life a living pain. I don't like to clean cause I can see myself all feathered up and pretty clean my home daa de dah lalala. yeah that sort of stuff. The dishes well I see my self as Dexter's mom from Dexter's laboratory. But I also have to do all them things which is always exciting but always agonizing for me. Cause I always find myself acting like a man and fussing over the task then doing just to throw people off the fact I could be fem. when I would rather just skip and prance and say Okay. anyways I just don't know me but I love me that all I know. I don't want to hurt myself I just want to die. And I feel like my life could be so much more fun to me. Like I could wear Girl cloths and feel like I always do when I do. Energetic, Happy, Relaxed, and in a way Safe. I am pretty sure its just one of them normal odd male things. But then again I ain't sure I have talked to my Girlfriend about this in sarcastic ways in scenario's. She seems alright but then again you never know how your viewed through other peoples eyes. anyways I could use some simple guidance to help me be more relaxed about myself
    ~ Yes I like women
    Sure I could be a Man
    After all acting is easy
    Pretending is not
    :bang:
     
  2. flatlander48

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2013
    Messages:
    312
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Cathedral City, CA
    My perspective:

    I think sexuality is a gift and gender expression is our right. Unfortunately, in many instances, society makes it difficult. When we don't fit, or partially fit, into traditional roles people don't know how to respond to us. It opens the door for all sorts of abhorrent behaviors; anything from being ignored to being a victim of violence. This is the world we live in and it is inescapable. Even in places that tend to be enlightened, there will always be those who do not want to recognize lesbians, gays, bisexuals and transgender people.

    But, we are who we are. We deserve to be here as much as anyone else. Ultimately I think barriers will be broken and it will be a better place. Sadly though, I don't think it will be next month or next year, but it will come.

    Hang in there!
     
  3. Wolf runner

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 6, 2013
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    San Diego, CA
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Not one person in this entire world said our lives were ever going to be easy, case in point, the lives of us, are a bunch of muddled emotions mixed with the constant distress of who we really are, who we think we are and basically the struggle in self discovery.

    Wanting to wash dishes, wear girly clothes and generally feminine ideals and stereotypes doesn't make you trans. I guess it's something you need to figure out (And I do realize this statement contradicts my previous statements) based on femininity. I asked myself a question before.
    Are you happy right now? What can you do to change to make yourself happy?

    Basically...would you feel comfortable if you had to live another 30 years in your current position?
     
  4. yollHtreboR

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2014
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    I don't know I just been in a loop since I finished puberty one day I don't think about my female side and I proceed to live a normal life and the next I am damming myself cause of my born gender and I have the darnest time trying to let it go inside cause of how I was raised I love myself but I am discusted by my body I wear jeans cause of my legs I hate my hairy legs and my arms ain't so bad but I prefer long sleeve over short sleeves to hide the hair on the arms I have done it all my life to almost the point I forget the reasons why until I think about it there was a time when I wanted nothing more than to be female but as I got older I realised its not widely accepted so I let it be until I turned 20 the same feelings started to creep from out a no wear