So I guess I'm trans... wow even just typing that out anonymously in front of myself, without even committing to hit submit is hard. I've sort of always known, but have been reluctant to label myself, because I don't want to be trans. I want to be a normal healthy human being, but I just took the S.A.G.E and scored "Male to Female Transsexual, who is a serious candidate for Gender Reassignment Surgery"... so yeah... I guess I can't deny this anymore... I'm a bisexual trans woman... and that terrifies me. I've wanted to be female since at least the 5th grade. I remember sitting with the guys at my school watching the 6th grade girls play volley ball, engaging in the typical "omg I'm a horny little pre-pubescent teenage boy" type conversation, but feeling both an attraction and a kind of envy. There was one girl in particular, Courtney, who was beautiful and popular and was my first crush I guess, but more than I wanted to go out with her I wanted to be her, the epitome of a 6th grade girl. I prayed each night, and told God that I was fully willing giving up my parents, my friends, and the rest of my life if I could just wake up in her life. Later I became obsessed with those body swapping movies like the hot chick and the one movie (the name escapes me) where a guy dies and comes back as a female ice skater. I practically fantasized about that happening to me, and how I wouldn't ever want to switch back. After my obsession with Courtney faded I began making deals with God promising to do certain good deeds in exchange for magically waking up female with no one remembering that I was ever male. I often day dreamed about having the power to transform into a woman or becoming invisible so I could live as a woman, but no one would be able to see or judge me. At the time these were just fleeting wishful day dreams that I never gave any serious thought, but recently I've started to work with transgendered people and have begun reflecting on myself and my identity, and the evidence has sort of been stacked up against me. I've been depressed. There was a period last year where I slept maybe 3 hours every 16 hours so I slept and woke up at a different time everyday for weeks to months. I'm not sure exactly how long it was; it felt like forever. I gained 50 pounds between January and April. Late at night when I couldn't keep the tears back I would go for walks around the city, tears just pouring. One night I climbed to the top of a pedestrian bridge over the highway, and seriously wanted to dive head first into the oncoming traffic, hoping that would give me a quick end. The only thing that stopped me was the thought of my parents. I couldn't do that to them. Still I felt so alone. I still do more or less. I feel like I drive people away because I'm always trying to be someone I'm not. Every interaction is calculated performance where I try fit into this shape that just isn't me. Recently I've been trying to be better to myself and trying to accept me. At home I pull down the blinds and put on women's clothing that I have purchased bit by bit over the years. I feel so much more comfortable dressed that way. I do my make up sometimes casually and sometimes as if I was going to go out, but I never dare even peek out the window. Still this little ritual has helped me a great deal and now I feel like I'm more teetering on the edge of depression and contentment than fully plunged into the darkness that I started this year in. I want to be a woman, but idk if I'd want to transition. I'm not sure if I would feel like a woman or if I would just feel like a cheap imitation. If you could safely and functionally perform a successful brain transplant I would totally opt for that, but I'm not sure how I feel about the current technology. I also want to have kids, my biological kids, and if I transitioned that would be difficult, if not impossible. I also want to find someone to have kids with. Even though I'm bi I feel like I'm sort of obligated to pursue women just for that reason... My father would never accept me. He's a horrible bigot right out of the 1940s. He still thinks difference races are different species :bang:... That all being said... I DO want to transition, I just don't want to deal with the consequences of transitioning. I realize thats not realistic, but it's honest. My day dreams have now changed to a world where I could transition to being a full female and no one would bat an eye. I'd have kids that I carried in MY womb. I'd have a loving partner of either sex. My parents would be proud of me and happy for me. This is the first time that any of this information has ever left my brain. No one has else in the world has a clue. This is anonymous and it's hard enough write it out. I know this site is called empty closets, but my closet is totally full. I feel like I may come out to some close friends as bi, but I'm no where near ready to even mention being trans. If you read this thank you. If any of this offends you I'm sorry, but this was my honest confession. Seeing as it is national coming out day I felt like I should at least take this minuscule step.
It takes guts to say that, even to just yourself let alone posting here. That's already a big step (*hug*) I used to have the same wishes and fears. If you give it time and go really slowly it's possible to transition even with the fears. I know it's really hard to think otherwise in that situation, especially knowing family members won't even be supportive. They could come around after you come out and begin transitioning. Maybe they won't, maybe they will be supportive after a year or maybe even right away. It gets better it just takes a lot of time and work. I know that isn't the best thing to hear because I had someone tell me that back when I was feeling the same way. Perhaps you could find a gender specialized therapist to talk to about these things and maybe get help towards coming out and eventually transitioning?
I hope you're not basing any or all of what you're thinking or feeling on the SAGE or COGIATI "tests" which have no valid scientific or professionally valid foundation, just some ignorant or ill-intentioned child on the internet with too much free time. That being said, there are countless other VALID resources both online and offline which you can seek out for more help and answers, including EC. Ask questions, engage yourself in other threads and topics, trust me it will help you answer your own questions and lead in the direction of finding the answers you need. Only you can know what's right for you, not some obscure, negligent and grossly over-generalized "test". Welcome to the party, BYOB.
Not at all. I mean 99% of what I wrote has nothing to do with what the test said. The test just inspired me to write this post. It was the first time something other than myself had said that this is whats going on.
Thanks I really appreciate that. Yeah we'll see where this journey takes me. I'm a long way away from anything even privately disclosed though. It's weird I'm not really afraid of anything, but this has me paralyzed.
You sound a lot like me. Seriously. If you are like me, then you should transition asap so you don't have male blood coursing through your veins, and you might find you prefer men. I'm bi, was more interested in being with a woman. During transition, I realized I do agree that overall men should be with women, because I don't want to be with a cis woman that seems more 'womanlike' than me. Dearly want to be the authentic thing, because I AM the authentic thing. I could give parallels between us, but you sound veryyyyy much like me, we can chat more if you want. I mean, don't rush, but ion this case I feel like transitioning, even if it's a mistake, is one that should be made. It'll end any doubts, and postponing it is the worst feeling, I tried. My heart goes out to you. Lastly, what is this S.A.G.E thing? I wouldn't mind taking it if it's a test lol. I used to take male female brain tests and stuff and I always got female. ---------- Post added 12th Oct 2014 at 09:04 PM ---------- Btw, just a few things to think of. If you like female pronouns but hate male ones, or find compliments like handsome dull or indifferent, consider that. Also, growing boobs is fun. If you've ever thought of having boobs and not been repulsed, that's another benefit xD Don't worry about being authentic, I wanted family and everything too, but I realized thanks to God that I can adopt and show my love to that child. My love is just as good for them right? Don't sweat the future, think of the here and now. We all have flaws. Some are born sterile. Some are barren. Some are missing limbs. Some are mentally lacking. Some are physically lacking. We had a birth defect of sorts, embrace it (Assuming you're sure). Love you sister <3
Okay I found this: S.A.G.E. Test And I got: "Your appearance is Androgynous Your brain processes are mostly that of a Androgynous person. You appear to socialize in a feminine manner. You believe you have major conflicts about your gender identity. You indicated your were born Male. ANALYSIS: Male to Female Transsexual in doubt about your ability to successfully transition. " Shit is accurate LOL Although I kinda lowballed a question or two, and some of the questions were obvious, trying to base female brain patterns. Overall though It nailed me more or less, while I do worry about passing I've been told I pass, and I've already begun transition and /know/ I feel I must. Being andro isn't good enough for me.
