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should I tell her?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by jaska, Oct 13, 2014.

  1. jaska

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    new zealand
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    the school holidays have just ended and I came back to schooll on the second day. I met up with one of my friends, I'll call her Mary. She's not one of my best friends, but I see her quite a bit and have known her about a year. The term before I'd kind of been dropping hints I was trans, like jokingingky asking her to call me male names, and talking to her about how I get uncomfable in bathrooms because people can't tell my gender. But she started to catch on a bit and was asking me questions like, " would you rather be called a girl or a boy?" And thing like that. I tried to just brush them off and joke about it, but now and again she would keep bringing it up. She knows I've been dealing with depression and I'm seeing a therapist too.
    So today I saw her, and I was carrying this school book, and I'd written my male name on the front. She saw it, and the conversation turned to that. She asked if I wanted to be a boy, and unconsciously I said yes, but kind of jokingly. We were with some of my other friends and she said very loudly to them all that she thinks I'm happier when I'm called (insert male name) and we should all call me that. And some of my friend agreed or just looked suprised.

    Mary is not a very trustworthy person and she spreads a lot of rumours and talks about people behind their backs. I have a large, loose group of friends who I hang out with, some of them I'm very close to, and I think theyre amazing people. I'm not out to anyone but the counsellors. I'm still not 100% sure of my identity and have been feeling pretty bad lately.
    I don't know what I should tell her, or do, I don't think I want to come out yet but I'm worried she'll start saying stuff. :confused:
    Also I realise putting my name on the book was stupid, so I changed it back to my birth name.:icon_redf
     
  2. Acm

    Acm Guest

    It sounds like she might already know, or suspect something. If she's asking what you prefer to be called, it could be an indication that she cares. But I would be really cautious, being trans carries a lot of stigma, even with people that seem progressive and accepting, so I would definitely put a lot of thought into it first. I almost told one of my friends (she's bi so I assumed she was accepting, plus she dropped hints that she knew) but she's made several transphobic comments recently and she also has a big mouth, so I decided not to for now. Basically, it's your choice but be careful about it, you don't want to be outed
     
  3. jaska

    Regular Member

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    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    yes I've thought a bit more, and I thinking telling her would be a bad idea. She does stereotype a lot and she is a bit narrow minded, but not sure about transphobic. Ugh I'm just really hoping the rumours won't spread. I don't think there's much hope of backtracking, but hopefully I'll be able start some sort of coming out process soon. thanks acm(*hug*)
     
  4. Acm

    Acm Guest

    I hope it all works out ok :slight_smile:
     
  5. Tai

    Tai
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    I wouldn't if I were you. Don't trust anyone who you have doubts about. Always be 100% sure you can trust someone before you tell them. In this society, it's better not to take chances with this sort of thing.

    Good luck!
     
  6. MN Writer

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    Wow, school can be so hard on a person. I can attest first hand that I probably went into denial about being trans in no small part because of how mean and cruel teenagers can be to one another. I have found adults to be WAY MORE supportive and accepting than any of my high school classmates would have ever been. I think that as people grow up, most of them realize the world isn't as black and white as they once believed it to be, especially if they go to college/university where diversity instead of conformity is the norm.

    if I were you, I'd either keep it to myself until I was out of school, or I'd find some strong advocating friends to support me as I went full tilt with it. In my experience, teenagers only question you when you are uncertain about yourself. If you can find a way to be confident with who you are and offer no apologies for wanting to be or presenting as a boy, then by all means do it.

    But definitely don't endanger yourself if you think coming out might do that. If you have no allies/friends to support and defend you, then be careful because teens can be downright ruthless to someone who varies from hetero-normativity and can even become dangerous.

    I wish you the best of luck, darling. Definitely don't tell Miss Gossip Girl anything you don't want everyone else knowing. It's better to be blatantly open about something than to be the victim of merciless gossip.
     
  7. DoriaN

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    Tbh it almost sounded like she was trying to encourage you and take steps to help you be male that you're apprehensive about. Like a friend giving a shove in the right direction.

    of course I'm just going by what you've said so I could be wrong, but if this person already suspects and is even making waves to positively identify you as male, then imo you should talk.

    Do you have other friends who know or can rally with you? Having a few for sure allies will always be better than no one knowing.
     
  8. jaska

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    Out to everyone
    aww thanks guys!:kiss:
    yeah hmmm I'm pretty sure telling Mary would make sure the whole school would know and there are quite a lot of people who already give me crap for how I present so maybe not such a good idea.
    I've been givin the option of moving schools if I want to wich is great that I have that option. I'm also able to repeat a year, since I am the youngest in my year. So that's something I could do to. Ugh school:eusa_doh:
     
  9. clockworkfox

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    If you're unsure, I'd hold back, even though it sounds like she already knows.

    I'm still not out with one of my closest friends because I'm just not sure how she feels about trans people. And I mean we make short films and stuff, it's time consuming, we spend a lot of time together, but until I can get a good read on her it's not something I'm sure I want to risk.