As some of you know, I don't feel ready to use any label yet, but the more I'm being honest with myself, the closer I am to an answer that needs time to get used to... Ok, enough of Vodkabaret's typical obscure rhetoric... I had a few experiences and wondered if you have felt the same, or similar... 1- As I entered today a lingerie shop, I felt a strange shock. As if that wasn't my place at all. Sorrounded by pink and white, laces, pictures of (almost) naked beautiful models, and all that stuff that screams 'hot', and 'women' to you... That wasn't the first time I felt this. Everytime I had to buy women's underwear, I felt kind of uncomfortable, specially if there was women around. But this time was even worse : I stood there unable to move, until the lady smiled at me... I had the surreal feeling she was going to should at me 'OMG! GET OUT!', or give me a funny look, thinking I was a cross-pervert or something... So when she politely smiled and all that, I thought 'How can this be, she doesn't notice at all I'm a...' Aaaaah... Of course the next second I told myself 'You look like a woman, she thinks you are a woman, you idiot, remember?" This all happened in seconds. I had no idea it was going to be THAT BAD. I simply went to the shop because I needed to make a question, and I was in a hurry, and I had no idea it was going to feel like this... I don't know, but I have the feeling that I'm going a bit mad or something... Can't be that I end up 'living it' in such a short amount of time... Or maybe this is the real me, I don't know...But can't be normal that I completly forgot the whole thing... I mean, I was born with this body, it's not normal that you completly forget the body you live in, or is it?... 2- I just moved out and had to pack everything. The last few things I left were my woman's/girl's clothes. As I opened the box to check, I felt a wave of horror... As I went through the whole thing, well, the horror kept going stronger and stronger... 'How could I wear such things?! and 'This looks absolutely wrong for me!!!'... I just couldn't believe it... Even if there was no pink at all there, and only one dress... It seemed to me, they belonged to someone else... 3- While checking a few pics of myself, with long hair and (sometimes) even with make up and the rest of the 'glamour', I feel the urge of delete those pics and videos... And demand that anyone who got copies does the same. I also feel that the person I'm looking at is not me... Don't get me wrong, I know that it is me, but... Doesn't feel like the real me, the person I am... I think I could do with my childhood pictures and a few of my teenager years, with short hair, but the ones with long hair and make up are just too strange for me... 'As if I was in drag' (no offense to cross-dressers or drags) Well, there is a lot more, but those 3 experiences seem to me worth mentioning. Have you ever feel like this, or those experiences are not related to being trans/genderfluid/younameit?
Ive done the same thing with pictures. Its like im looking at a stragers picture. The person i see myself as in my head id the comple oposite of reality. In my head i am a short, skinny long haired girl with the perfect boobs, butt, and body. But in reality im tall, fat, short haired boy with a flat chest, no butt, and masculin face. Its absolutely terrifying to look at childhood pics because that is not the person i see.
I feel totally weird in lingerie shops, too ... like I don't belong. I hardly ever go in one. Even online shops creep me out a little. I also understand the feeling of being in drag, I've often felt that way when I wear a dress or something frilly and feminine (horrors). As if I'm afraid that someone will notice that I'm not supposed to be dressed that way and make fun of me. I actually don't mind looking at old pictures. I was younger, thinner, and better-looking so the fact that I wore a dress and makeup sometimes is secondary. Although -- I can't help but think, "Damn, I would have been a pretty cute guy."
Yeah, but I wasn't thinking on the idealized version of myself, the kind of man I'd like to be. It was more about what I can reach : Clothes, hair, more muscle and etc... So when I see myself with long hair and girly clothes, I can't recognize what I see. People used to tell me I looked gorgeous 'as a woman' (long hair, etc), but I've always found myself... Fake somehow. In my mind I went like 'Yeah, I'm alright, I know, but this is not me'. I also had very negative feelings when 'having to make myself pretty' (brush long hair, put make up on,etc...)
Yeah, I can relate to this. Whenever I look at pictures of myself, it doesn't even feel like it's me, even though I KNOW it is. Whenever I wear a dress, it always feels like drag to me. I still remember the first (and only) time I wore makeup, I immediately ran into the bathroom and got in the shower and started rubbing it out frantically
When I look at old pictures now, I think that I looked pretty good ... but at the time I didn't think so at all. I had terrible body dysphoria, people would tell me I looked good in something so I'd wear it, but I never thought I did. I used to get "tips" on how to "use" my boobs and curves, but I didn't really want to, it just didn't seem right, it seemed so fake. I actually don't mind having long hair, but I like it on guys, too. The funny thing is ... at the time when I looked my best, I was very unlucky in my relationships. I had dates, but there was always something wrong, something that didn't fit. Maybe the contrast between my superficial femaleness and my inner character was too great. It wasn't until I went back to jeans and baggy t-shirts that I was able to find a lasting relationship.
I can relate to all those things you said. Have you looked at the thread about Mulan and the Reflection song? You might want to check it out.
The reflection song doesn't hit me that hard,... Maybe the reason is I've always being concious that I wasn't a woman, or I never saw myself as female, so I never called myself 'daughter' or felt that I was obligued to fullfil that role... (Or maybe I'm an awful child that doesn't care about his parents, I don't know...) Since I was a child I felt that physical appearances were a pure illusion, a trap: The difference between substance/essence and matter. The only moments when I deeply regret 'my luck' (been born with female parts) is when I'm with a male who likes me precisely for being someone I'm not. Most of the time not seeing me as a human being at all. I have the idea 'I'm selling myself here', and I end up despising myself and the other person. I've lost count of how many times I had to bite my tongue or beat around the bush, so no male pride is hurt by my words or actions. Think about the way we are educated, acting unconciously 'the part of the man'/'woman'... We grow up with movies, songs, Romeo and Julia... It's part of the culture I guess... There is a song that comes closer 'Covert' by Lush. I hide from your eyes for I know this illusion is kinder than what you'll find inside It's as if you are condemned to either sell yourself or stay on your own.
I've forgotten about the body I live in, multiple times, actually. I quite frequently expect people to think that I look like a male dressed in drag when I actually bother with makeup (I'm biologically female). And the worst was when I almost tried to tease my mum by telling her that I should grow out my hair really long and be a real metalhead... and right before I blurted it out, I remembered "oh wait... you are biologically female, you idiot. She thinks you're a girl, and she'd probably love it if you grew your hair out"). So yeah, definitely not the only one there. Also for me, looking at pictures of myself is really stressful. I've made myself get used to seeing my reflection, because I have to. But seeing pictures... I don't know. It's hard for me to figure out how the little girl who used to try to convince people that "she" was Snow White could grow up to be a man on the inside. It's weird to see pictures of me wearing dresses and supposedly not throwing a temper tantrum about it. I can seriously spend hours staring at pictures of myself, especially of me as a kid, and wonder "How on earth did that little girl turn into this?" So yeah, I guess it could just be part of being trans*.
I can relate especially when I usto buy girl underwear, I'd feel so awkward like everyone was staring me down going " how can he be buying that right now?" And then remember oh yeah I'm a girl. I also have a lot of friends that would take me shoping for dresses and lingerie and ask how does it look and I just felt weird like I was there boyfriend and again hafto remember oh yeah I'm not a boy. I think that's the most I feel Uncomfortable so now i just buy boxers and feel not so nervous or embarrassed. Pictures don't effect me to much it's mostly the shopping with my friends.
