I can't seem to go anywhere in life without getting a deep sense of pain in my gut. Everytime I see a young boy, I get jealous that my boyhood was stripped away-what could have been. It happens when I watch certain shows and movies that involve jokes about gender or sex differences, and I get so angry inside. I can't even go in public without one little thing setting me off. Just seeing normal cisguys being themselves kills me. Why did I have to be a guy born in a female's body? I always ask myself this. I had a 50/50 chance and the chromosomes went the wrong way. My whole life has been ruined because of this body and I just feel so ugly in it. Everytime I think about my future, I get this angst and dreadful emotion.
I can relate, I'm mad I waited so long to transition. The worst part? We got to transition early, or have the potential. Still sucks of course.
Hey Ray, I used to feel like this too. I couldn't watch TV, I couldn't listen to music and I couldn't go anywhere in public without getting insanely angry. I would think 'Why have I out of all these people been given an incorrect body?' I would keep comparing myself to cis men, filled with anger and despair that I will never have what they most likely take for granted. I would also see teenage boys walking round in large groups or with their girlfriends, confident and self-assured as if the world is their oyster and again, I was ridiculously angry. I was jealous and felt like I wanted to go back, I needed to go back and and relive my adolescence as a boy. After all, how could I become a man without the precursor of boyhood? I still get angry sometimes but I am noticing that as time goes on, the anger is gradually subsiding and I am coming to accept my situation. Perhaps in time, you will too.