:bang::bang::bang:. Pardon me as this will be all over the place. I am going to type as I think about it. OK so off late I have been very confused about my gender. It all started when I looked at my childhood picture of me dressed like a girl. It felt totally right. It is a common thing in my culture to dress up young children as girls, have their ear pierced and all the other good stuff. I will be 21 in a few weeks and I am having a crisis. Until a few years ago my mother would always tell me that she wished that I was born as a girl and to make up for it, she would call me by a feminine version of my name. I have never made a big deal or corrected her as I grew up. She calls me that even today. But off late I have started to develop an aversion to everything associated to the male gender. I hate the way I look. Hate the fact that I have a male genitalia. I feel that something is missing from my chest. Hate that I have facial hair. Hate the way I sound I just don't like anything about me now physically. Mentally I have found it important to have both feminine and masculine qualities. But I have always leaned towards having more feminine qualities. I have had to mask that side or just be silent when I was around my friends. I have always found it easier to connect with the female than male. Men have always disgusted me with their way of thinking. EWwww. Just thinking about how they talk about men is disgusting. Its giving me shivers thinking about it. Once when I was hanging out with a couple of friends who were girls, I really unleashed my suppressed me. I dont think they would be surprised if I went and told them I am confused about my gender. Looking back I guess there were signs all the way but I felt comfortable in my skin. As of late that has not been the case at all. If you were to give me the option to switch now I would do it. Looking back, besides a few exceptions, it seem I always connected easily with girls than guys. I have not done any cross dressing in my adult life but I have always admired the dresses in the store about How pretty they look. Recently I have been getting very jealous whenever I see a female. I have this urge to be just like them. And if I look at myself I get angry and disgusted. Also Sometimes when I look at women I feel I am them and then I see myself get bummed out. Why am I feeling this all of a sudden?:tantrum: To top all this off, i have been suffering from Trigeminal Neuralgia for the past two and half years now. The irony of that is, it is more commonly happening in women than men. Some of you might say signs were there all along but to me they were me being me. What am I now? :tears: I really want to change. I did not know where to say this but I have always said that women need to have every right as men and if not deserve more as to me they are the pillars of the society. I would always wonder why I felt that way? Help. Please. All responses will be truly appreciated. It felt nice to express my feelings a bit. Thank you.
:tears: (just kidding I know what you mean) Some people, trans and non-binary folk alike, don't feel like that until later on in life. One guy on this forum found an article about how white matter doesn't mature until later (like 18+ or so) - and white matter is, from what I've read, scientifically proven to be similar between cis women and trans women and cis men and trans men. So, this may (or may not, I don't really know) be why you're feeling this way suddenly. Just a speculation. You might've also felt some pressure from society lately. Maybe to act "more manly" and all those things, you know? And it might've broken the dam. In any case, simply because you didn't feel this way earlier does not mean they are invalid. If you decide to act on it, it's your choice, and we will support you all the way. Good luck.
You might have a look at this: Am I Transgender or Transsexual - Teens Wonder Am I Transgender or Transsexual and this: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anony.../147192-transitioning-where-do-i-start.html#4 and this: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/150966-androgyne-identity.html#14 The transgender spectrum goes i.e. from people living with almost androgynous appearance, to styling more like the preferred gender, to taking hormones, etc. Of course the list is not all possible options. It's up to you to collect further information... You might also for example talk to a gender therapist or someone from an lgbt center, if that's what you want. I would do things I'm comfortable with, don't feel pressured to do something... its your decision... There is no only one right way to do this. Its your choice what you want to do...
Like I always say, "gender and sexuality are too complex to be put into a box". Hopefully you find your way and don't let outside forces make your decision. Truly reflect on what's best for you.
Thank you for the replies. I am seriously considering seeing a gender therapist. Although at the moment I very much want to change and not be what I am now, going through with the transition means completely leaving my current life and starting a new one. I don't know how I would do that. Although my mother addresses me by a feminine version of my name, she would never accept a transition and I don't have the courage to hurt her or tell her what I want. Also if I were to transition around my community, they would just talk behind our backs, be judgmental and be bigots. Whatever it is I need to figure out what I am and set it motion the required actions.
I went through a similar period where, even though I had a storied history of wanting to be a girl, I became kind of comfortable in my own skin. The thing for me is that I became somewhat gender blind with respect to myself. Being male never became part of my identity and I wasn't really aware of my gender. When people would point out something like "you're the only guy here" I would feel weird about it, like someone had pointed out that you had broccoli between your teeth, feeling embarrassed and wanting to get rid of it. I've attributed that genderless phase to a lack of self awareness. I've recently had to write a long series of personal essays, which has made me more introspective and self aware, and that has opened up number of a cans of worms, least of which is my gender issue. It sounds like we're in very similar places. I'm unhappy with the way I look, despite people telling me how attractive of a man I am. Even though it's meant as a compliment it feels like an insult. This anonymous website is the most open I've become about this, and I'm not ready to seriously approach the idea of transitioning. I'm too afraid of what everyone around me will think, and my father would never be able to accept it. Kinda feels good to know I'm not alone with this struggle.
