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Genderfluid vs. Agender... thoughts?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Meribor, Oct 16, 2014.

  1. Meribor

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Boston, MA-ish
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    I think I'm nearing a more nuanced understanding of my gender identity, but I want to check with y'all first.

    The tl;dr version is that I'm wondering if I may be Genderfluid as opposed to Agender. My perception of my identity changes a dozen times a day. I'm MAAB, I began presenting female full time in January, changed my name and gender marker in March, and I start HRT next week (fingers crossed).

    The detailed version follows below...

    It took four decades to finally split gender away from sexuality and make progress. I learned the term genderqueer in the summer of 2013, and I began my transition away from male on August 14th—the day I bought my first skirt.

    Whenever I queried myself about my gender, all I got in return was a resounding Bueller. I would also guess that I was 15% girl and 5% boy. The numbers were POA, but it explained how I was able to accept society's imprint of male. My initial plan was to split the binary genders perfectly, but that became uncomfortable just a few months in. I eventually felt Agender was the best description of my experience.

    Through January of this year I had no pronoun preference, and would take those offered as an opportunity to check in with myself. A preference for female pronouns solidified when I realized accepting male pronouns sent the wrong message. In fact, much of my transition has been driven by feeling uncomfortable being identified as male, as opposed to explicitly identifying as female.

    At times I would check in with myself and find that I was feeling not only feminine or masculine, but also as myself and even neutral. These feelings changed several times a day, and sometimes I would be aware of how I felt as I passed from one to another.

    Let me also add that I'm fairly depressed right now, not by my gender transition, but by the continued functional deficits cause by my ADHD AND.... I'm not going to call my transition easy, but it is not what has kept me down all summer.

    So, today I still find myself feeling either masculine, feminine, or, separately, as myself, neither masculine or feminine, but not neutral as I described above. In fact, I don't quite remember what I meant, but I specifically remember thinking that I felt neutral. Sometimes what I'm doing or how I'm dressed influences how I feel, but not always.

    I discounted the possibility that I could be Genderfluid because my experience doesn't match up with other's described experience. But now I'm wondering if that was wrong.

    The standard descriptions I've come across has people waking up feeling one way or another or somewhere between, and then dressing and presenting themselves as such for the whole day. I would be surprised if there weren't some who felt differently about their identity part way through the day. Some of those folks may change when the opportunity strikes—like after work or something. And for those whose changing identity bothered them, they may remove layers and accessories as their feelings move them.

    The fact that I hate mens clothes means that I will continue to rock the frilly skirt and pink top or twirly dress no matter how I feel. And if I find myself feeling masculine, it is likely to be different the next time I check in with myself. And even if I did find myself feeling masculine the whole day, it isn't going to affect my outfit choice.

    Is Genderflaky a thing? Genderplasmic?

    Thanks in advance,
    * Meribor
     
  2. Unkempt Harold

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    Omg I feel the same way XO.

    I'm still waiting to get back home so I can start dressing the way I want and begin to fully explore my gender identity.

    EDIT: most of the time I feel odd, as I feel very feminine sometimes, very much neutral others, but don't have a hard time presenting a male (even though I've NEVER been able to shop for cloths. It's so hard. Everything's stupid '>_<')
     
    #2 Unkempt Harold, Oct 16, 2014
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2014
  3. Mixednotshaken

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    Hey I think this is when a lot of us especially if you were brought up old school (boys don't cry). I always knew I would had rather been a girl even though I prefer girls to boys. As I got older I also realized I was what many call Demi-sexual. I've never slept around I've never cheated before I have no sexual attraction for a person until I really get to know them. The best way I have found to put it is that I fall in love very slowly and then all at once. Can I recognize physical beauty sure. It's just not at all important to me.