So, I've been thinking a lot about my younger years and it's very clear to me that I was always trans. When I was a toddler, most of the pictures I'm walking around in pants only. In elementary and middle school I wore jeans and guy's graphic t-shirts. I was mistaken for a boy in sixth grade and I was shocked that it honestly didn't hurt my feelings. I love history; always have. I admired all the great men and wanted to be like them when I was younger. I started wearing boxers to sleep and I remember it feeling strangely good. I mean, when you put on a certain article of clothing it shouldn't feel that relieving. I always had more guy friends. I was always a "tomboy". I didn't care for make up until I even tricked myself in eighth grade into thinking I was obsessed with it. I just always felt kind of awkward in it. Then I was thinking deeper. I thought of how most trans people have excruciating dysphoria and how mine was never extremely bad. That's when I remembered a few things. All through middle school I had long hair. I avoided getting it cut for whatever reason, but when I entered high school I remember begging my mom to let me get a pixie cut. She agreed, but kept putting the appointment off until I told her I can't deal with my long hair anymore. I remember being on the verge of a panic attack and tears. I told her I couldn't make it another week with long hair, so I made the appointment. I couldn't express the literal and emotional weight that was lifted off my shoulders. I think I wrote in another post how I remembered subconsciously saying "Yay! It looks like a boy's hair now!" That was probably the worst dysphoria I have experienced. I honestly don't have "genital dysphoria" that bad, but it's another story when it comes to my chest. Anyways, I thought a little deeper. I was in two of my mom's friend's weddings as a flower girl. I recall not being happy with the title, but I was no more than eight and didn't understand. In both weddings, I cried non stop after the ceremony to go home. Looking back, I think that was because I wanted to change out of the awful dresses I was forced into. I look AWFUL in dresses. I just wanted to sit in the pew with my step dad. I remember walking down the aisle with the other girl and seeing him for the first time that day in a suit. I remember wanting to I wear his tie. Remembering all this stuff has caused me a lot of dysphoria and anxiety lately. I'm so sick of having to try so hard to feel normal in my skin. I just want to fast forward to the time where I'm on T and have had top surgery. I keep telling myself maybe it's time to come out, but then I remember I have incredibly homophobic/transphobic/you-name-it-phobic grandparents (and I love them more than anything in the world and they feel the same way back). I've got to tell my parents though because I can't stand the thought of wearing another pair of skinny jeans or a dress on the weekends anymore. My chest dysphoria is starting to get to the point where I NEED an actual binder and the only way to get one is to come out. Sports bras aren't doing the trick anymore; I don't want to see a single little bump. I really need to start seeing a gender therapist too. I'm starting to feel really down about where my body is at right now. I'm internalizing everything right now and it's driving me insane. I just need to get everything that I'm feeling out. I've never said the words out loud that need to be said. I just can't hide myself at home for too much longer. I'm overwhelmed with the feeling that my emotional bubble is about to burst and I will just lose it one day. I'm sorry this is such an unreasonably long post that's sort of all over the place, but I needed to get it out somewhere. I've started hinting that everything isn't ok to my mom. She showed me this girly top in a magazine this morning and asked if I thought it was cute; I just looked at it funny and didn't answer. I picked up a magazine and said how much I liked certain guy clothes in it. She kind of picked up on it because she said "That's funny how you only like the men's stuff in there." Sometimes I wish she would just ask if she detects something fishy.
I can relate to a lot of what you said here, I had pretty similar childhood experiences too. I think that if your mom isn't transphobic, you could consider coming out to her soon. I tried to hint at stuff with my mom but she just thought I was a lesbian.
Same with me. In middle school my mom took me aside and said "You know it's ok if you're a lesbian." That kind of hurt my feelings that she would assume that. I know she's completely supportive of the gay community, but I don't think she understands gender identity. She knows what vaguely knows what transgender means.
