Hello all. I previously posted an introductory thread in the Later in Life section but wanted to share my thoughts here, too. My name is Polka Dots – though you can call me "Dots" for short – and I have been struggling with my gender identity since I was a child (I will be turning thirty in a few months). To make a long story short, I know I fall somewhere under the trans* umbrella but have yet to determine where. As a child I remember telling my mother I didn't feel like my birth gender (female). Sadly, I live in a small homophobic town full of small-minded people, and as a result my mom convinced me my thoughts were "unnecessary." That was when I was twelve-years-old; before the internet, before learning there was a term for how I felt. During high school I tried again to express my concerns but only ended up back in the closet. I do not suffer from physical dysphoria, but emotional and social dysphoria are prevalent. I despise the sound of my voice and used to throw it "for kicks" when I was involved in my local theater troupe; being called "woman" or "girl" makes me cringe but I will check those boxes on my medical forms for simplicity. Back when my husband and I started dating I even told him I wasn't a girl in the way I appear and requested he never refer to me as such. He has honored my wishes (for that I am truly grateful) but does not fully understand why I feel this way. Some days I feel like I may be genderqueer, other days I question if I'm even on the binary. I have no desire to have surgery; I have always loved cross-dressing. I'm bisexual and capable of loving/being attracted to anyone, but my fantasies are split: sometimes I imagine myself as a man, other times, as a woman. If asked, I would say internally I am more male than female. I must admit there is a male name that calls to my heart so sweetly that it makes my chest ache, although I have no problem being referred to as the name on my birth certificate (distinctly feminine). I don't know if that is because I am still questioning my identity or if I genuinely don’t mind it. Am I alone in feeling this way? Any and all thoughts would be appreciated. Thank you for reading my thread.
You are absolutely not alone in feeling this way, it's never too late to discover new words to describe your existence. You might find that gender fluid is a more accurate descriptor? I personally like genderFUCK to describe myself and I've been trying to surround myself with people who can deal with that. luckily my birth name is fairly nimble from a gender perspective but, maybe you could find a nickname that's more neutral? that and role playing games (d&d, pathfinder, ect) can be great for trying out totally new things while staying in the safe space of fantasy.
I've felt exactly the same way since I can remember...I'm still figuring out where I belong under the umbrella but hey at least we know we're not alone. What I feel helps is whenever I'm talking to myself I call myself a name I picked out because it's so neutral, even if I don't know how I'm feeling, the name calms me down.
Thank you so much for your reply, wannabemarco. Gender fluid may be close; I honestly don't know the difference between gender fluid and genderqueer. I'll have to look into that. I've attempted to express myself via role-playing games but "playing" a male character leaves me unsatisfied; once I'm back in the real world I feel like something is missing. What that something is, I can't say at this point in my journey. I appreciate the idea, though, and look forward to seeing more of you around the forum! Thanks, EK404. (*hug*) I hope we can both learn more about ourselves as time goes by. And I often refer to myself by the name that calls to me, even if it's in my head (I have yet to speak it out loud). Please know I'm here to lend a virtual ear in return if you ever need one. --- Also, I can't seem to edit my original post but I wanted to clarify: When I say I used to throw my voice "for kicks" it wasn't actually for fun. That was the response I used to share with my peers. I threw my voice because it sounded closer to the gender I feel like I am... whatever gender that may be. Any and all additional help would be greatly appreciated.
There is a time limit of 15 min where you can edit your post. If you posted anonymous, your post is out there. You might have a look at this, if you have not already: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/150966-androgyne-identity.html#14 and this: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anony.../147192-transitioning-where-do-i-start.html#4 Its a spectrum....going i.e. from people living with almost androgynous appearance, to styling more like the preferred gender, to taking hormones, etc. Of course the list is not all possible options. It's up to you to collect further information... You might also for example talk to a gender therapist or someone from an lgbt center, if that's what you want. I would do things I'm comfortable with, don't feel pressured to do something... its your decision... There is no only one right way to do this. Its your choice what you want to do... Talking about it, and your feelings, probably helps... like here on the forum... and maybe a little bit daydreaming, not obsessively but just so that you could make out what you would like... some even keep a dream journal for a time... you might have a look at lgbt support groups in your area... (*hug*)
Thanks so much, jay777 -- for the links and the hugs! I've known for years I'm more male than female; what I need to discover is whether I identify as female at all. I'll see where my journey takes me while enjoying the company of the awesome folk here at EC.
