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Who the hell am I?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Iinsomnia, Oct 20, 2014.

  1. Iinsomnia

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    Hi. I'm Sebastian, that's the name I identify with anyway. I'm genderfluid and I'll be sixteen in two months. I don't know who I am. All of my life I've felt like a boy, but then I get all these girly feelings at times. Like today. Today I actually took the time to look girly and dress up. I think it was more for my mom than me though. I have no one. All of my friend know but they don't seem to understand. My mom knows but she doesn't get it. Ya know? Like I'm alone in a crowd full of people. I prefer to be alone nowadays and I don't remember how to talk to my best friend (who's also my ex of 2 years). I'm pansexual so I know who I am sexually but emotionally and physchically I have no bloody idea. I wish more than anything that I could be normal, and to fit mainstreams idea of perfection. But I can't because I'm not, and I thought I was okay with that. I'm afraid to ask my mom for a chest binder. I feel like I'm nothing in this world, like I'm in an alternate plane and no one can see me.
     
  2. pinkclare

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    Hi Sebastian!

    First off, know that no matter what it seems like right now, you are not actually alone. There are plenty of people out there who are genderfluid, and plenty who are actively questioning and exploring their gender. I'm sorry that you're having trouble finding them - it can be really hard!

    Have you had much luck finding an online community? In addition to this message board, there are groups (both for specifically genderfluid folks and for folks all over the trans* spectrum and all over the trans* masculine spectrum) on Facebook, Tumblr, Yahoo. Although they can be high drama at times, these groups are great places to meet others who feel similarly to you and to find resources for coming out, transitioning, etc.

    In terms of wanting to bind and not knowing how to talk to your mom about it, there are some good suggestions at TransActive's website. Their coming out resources talk both about gender identity in general and binding specifically.

    Also remember that there is a difference between who you are and how you present on any given day. You can be 100% male identified and still like to dress up girly sometimes (think of flamboyant gay men, of drag queens, of cross-dressers!) or you might have a gender identity that is fluid. Or maybe something different! Either way, the point is that your desires to dress a certain way are not an indication of who you are inside. Keep exploring and be gentle and honest with yourself. These things take time to figure out - more for some than others - and your confusion is not bad or abnormal. Keep asking questions and trying things! You'll learn more about yourself everyday.
     
  3. jay777

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    You might think of additionally talking to a gender therapist or a counselor or someone from an lgbt center...

    Do you want to elaborate a bit more ?
     
  4. Iinsomnia

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    It's not the fact that I'm having a hard time finding genderfluid people or trans people, it's that there aren't many in my area besides maybe three. 1) My bestfriend Quinton (and they're genderfluid and that's their chosen name), 2) a girl at my school, and 3) my friend Chase, he's gay and sort-of trans. I'm not sure what you mean by "You might have to talk to a therapist" I don't need one, and I won't accept one. I have a hard enough time talking to my mom, I have problems talking to strangers. And we've already tried the whole "therapy" thing, it didn't help.
     
  5. MN Writer

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    This may come across as harsh but know that it's said with the most loving of intents. you will never find the help you need, until you decide that you want to be helped. You say that you tried the therapy thing already, but I have my suspicions you didn't really put your heart into it. I know you are young (I remember what I was like when I was 15, and boy did I hate talking to people) but eventually, you will learn to open up. right now it probably feels like the best option is to just bottle it all up, but the problem with that approach is that it doesn't solve anything. It just allows the issues to fester and grow until there is so much pressure to release the fear/worry/sadness that you turn to rage. You'll start destroying your life and your friendships until you really are alone and then you'll hit rock bottom and be forced to make the same exact decision you are trying to avoid right now, deciding to get the help you need and allow yourself to be helped... or to give up.

    I absolutely don't want you to give up. I absolutely want you to find peace and understanding. I'm only suggesting you reconsider your willingness to be helped. I eventually gave in when I was about 16 and went to see a therapist (actually a tried a few different ones until I found one I liked). It stopped me from killing myself on countless occasions and it's doing that for me again as I make my transition to being a woman, so please don't write it off so quickly. You have to let go of your fears and accept yourself for whatever you are (or aren't). Who cares what society says you should be, gender is just a social construct built to categorize people. If you don't feel comfortable with that construct then just say to hell with it and be yourself, not worrying about where you fit in. I know right now it feels like you have to find yourself in the world, but trust me when I say you never really find your place in the world, you MAKE your place and own it.

    good luck love
     
  6. Michael

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    I think Jay was talking about a gender therapist. They are not your regular/average therapist, but doctors specialized on gender. He won't try to convince you to adapt to the society or to conform with the gender you were born with. I think the idea of gender therapists is just to be there as a resource you can use, not as someone who tells you how weird you are or which pills to take.

    Think about doctors : heart-specialists, lungs-specialists... A gender therapist is just that, someone who deals with trans people, or people who is genderfluid, queer... So if you come with your story, he or she probably has heard something very simmilar before, and therefore give you tips. It's up to you to follow his/her advice... Just an option.

    I'm trying to find one of those, even if I'm 31 and I'm just like you : Don't believe much in 'therapy' :icon_wink
     
  7. sldanlm

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  8. Poppyseed

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    I agree wholeheartedly with this. Gender therapists can give you some great guidance and access to groups that can help you.

    I've been in therapy before and it really helped me to open up at the possibility of being transgender/genderfluid.