Hi EC, I’m a long time spectator, first time poster. This one's long...apologies! feel free to skim!! I think I just want to get some things off my chest, and hopefully find a kindred spirit, or that my words will strike a chord with someone. If not, hopefully just writing this will be therapeutic. I've been wracked with feminine urges lately. Bad urges, to dress. For some, that might not be weird, but for me it has been, as a presenting male, in my 30s. I'm also bisexual, which I'm pretty okay with, and came out recently to my girlfriend (more like a year ago actually…), and also to my Psycho (therapist…but I find Psycho more fun to say than “T" :icon_bigg ). I'm not out to anyone else though about that. When it comes to my sexuality, it was not something new though. I’ve been attracted to both sexes. I’ve never acted on it, but I’ve always recognized it. My new love of fashion is different. It’s brand new, and a little intimidating. It’s something I was never interested in before. In fact, as a kid I could not have been more disinterested in women's clothes. Furthermore, I’m pretty masculine in appearance. Facial hair. Overweight :-/ and walk with more of a manly gait. I’ve never come off as ‘feminine’. and it's been a while since I've been thin. The picture of me in my profile matches perfectly with how I feel sometimes though. She’s the one I call Whisper. I feel more and more like her at night, when I’m back home, safe from the world. When I want to curl up on the couch, relax, be comfortable. At work I’m definitely more masculine, sometimes just feel like I'm on autopilot. I think I might be somewhat fluid. I “came out” to Psycho about the urges to dress two weeks ago, and that was really good to get off my chest. She’s been fairly helpful about getting me to talk through some of the issues. She’s been open and accepting, even though we’re not as close as I wish we were sometimes. I’ve been living with my girlfriend for years now. We have a close and loving relationship. When I told her about my bisexuality; she was very accepting and loving about it, and called me brave, which made me feel warm inside. But then it kind of disappeared. We don’t talk about it at all. We just moved on. No fun talks about boys or anything. We also have other issues. Commitment issues. Intimacy issues. An unsure future, despite how comfortable we are together. And these things make the thought of talking to her about my wanting to dress more than just daunting. It's downright frightening. And what if I tell her, and she's not the one? Then my dark secret is out there...eeek I don’t want to wear her clothes. I definitely think that would be an invasion of privacy (no judgment on anyone reading who went that route, trying their gf’s, spouse’s, or sister’s, etc., just not something I want to do.) And while I bought a few things, a pair of killer platform boots, a skirt and belt, a cute purple wig, some nylons and gloves…I don’t actually have a full outfit yet. And I am timid in purchasing anything more. I kind of feel like getting fully dressed up would be kind of like cheating…does that make sense to anyone? On the other hand, I worry about telling her. Not that she wouldn’t be loving and accepting…but maybe like the bisexuality, it would just be brushed off? Or that we wouldn’t have that fun “dressing up” moment that I seem to read about in many gender-questioning or crossdressers’ stories. I’m deeply afraid of disappointment. Also of finding out that maybe it’s just a phase. I feel paralyzed by the unknown. I have very specific interests, and an eclectic fashion sense. I really like alternative styles. Like punky, or somewhat gothy/industrial clothes. Or flowy, rough skirts, like bohemian fashions. Which I do not know if that's common among crossdressers. I imagine my inner self sometimes as a wild femme, with purple hair, and a few killer sexy feminine tattoos. I imagine going to raves and rocking out. (I could not be farther from this in how I present and act :icon_sad: ) A lot of times when I read about crossdressing stories I feel distant, disconnected. Like I don’t want to wear just anything. I don’t have a crushing need to wear panties. Or have a fashion show. I just want to hang out, laze around in super comfy socks, or comfy sweaters and leggings, or flowy skirts. I want to feel cute. or badass, when the mood arises ;-) I think breasts would be awesome…but not realistic for me. I don't feel dysphoria for my male body, in fact aside from my weight, I quite like it many times. Bottom line, I feel like I’m flowing between genders. And this bottling up, and my crushing need to experiment, are driving me into deep depression. I need and want change. But I can’t seem to get over my own fears. My eclectic clothes interests make me feel so alone. I want to be me, but I don’t know who that is anymore, with these new urges. And I don’t really know where to begin “coming out." Thanks for reading these ramblings of mine and letting me vent. I really appreciate it, and any insights you all might have, or advice on how/if to come out... Whisper
I wish I could give you some insight, I'm still coming into grips of feeling like the opposite gender. I do know that you can't, unfortunately, ignore feelings like this because they have a way of coming out or stress you out. I do think that you may need to discuss this with your partner, in a very serious fashion, and have a frank discussion with her. Explain to her that you felt that your bisexuality was brushed under the rug and you don't want to do this with this new thing. I definitely suggest seeing a professional. I currently see one and find that it helps a lot is self acceptance. Maybe joining a therapy group? I'm going to go to one next week and suspect it will definitely help in expressing my emotions/feelings on this. Good luck! If you need to talk, feel free to message me too.
Thanks so much for the reply, Poppyseed. I am actually going to start attending group therapy in a few weeks (not really gender focused....more depression, anxiety, and all sorts of issues). But thats a scary step for me, and im constantly regretting having signed up :-/ I'm a total introvert, so not looking forward to it...but I think it will be good for me to try to talk these things through in a microcosm of society. That's what Psycho says anyway... Sometimes I feel so close to telling my girlfriend...and then this big booming voice drowns my thoughts out, warning me that I need more time to gather my thoughts, think this thing through, figure out the endgame, protect my secret, etc. I hope you find some help in your group session ...if you learn any nuggets of genderwisdom I'd love to hear them!
What about if you would get a bit more in touch with energies which are associated with feminine... creative activities, maybe together with your girlfriend... baking, cooking together... etc... ? Or do you feel you want to retain a bit male appearance, and occasionally want to crossdress ? Do you want to incorporate it into your everyday style, like a more androgynous or a bit female style ?
Thanks for the response Jay. Other feminine activities are good ideas I hadn't really thought of. Although I do like to cook with her, it's more practical than anything, so maybe making cookies would be nice. Any other ideas? I grew up in a household of men, so I am really not familiar with feminine activities so much. And don't even get me started on makeup etc. I am helplessly lost there! I thought art could help, since I'm into painting. But then I get freaked out about anyone (even my gf) seeing what darkness I put on the canvas. I don't see going out dressed. ever. but I'm also scaredy cat. It also makes me feel cowardly and two-faced to type that. I sometimes fantasize about that life, where I'm a woman going about my day in the world, but that fantasy is soooo far from reality that it's basically unattainable. And it's a fantasy viewed through rose colored glasses. It conveniently ignores all the hardships. In that dream I've basically cut ties with everyone from home and started a new life. Yet I have a good home life, and good friends, so the unreality and selfishness of that fantasy is pretty astronomical. I'm scared of dealing with real confrontation, cleaning up real messes. Disappointing or confusing people. I wouldn't mind looking a lot more feminine and losing the facial hair, but that would take some monumental bodily improvement to look good I think. Also for now I like being a man in appearance. So it's more of a giving in to those feminine energies at home, in my safe alone time. I think it would be wonderful to share that with someone. But I'm not sure if that someone is who I'm with sometimes :-( I'm a very private person, and also very compartmentalizing of my life. People know what they need to know. I don't tend to burden people with my issues; I'd rather provide them help with theirs. Sp the thought of taking such a big risk as coming out to my girlfriend, and then having it backfire or having the relationship not work, or having it be so anticlimactic that it's sheer disappointment scares me.
Well there are quite a few things you could do together... what do you think about photography sessions, both of you posing in clothing of your liking... she in some male clothing, you in a bit female clothing, for example... like a fashion day... are you both a fan of cosplay ? You could sew some costumes together... or just make something together... selfmade bags, etc...
if you haven't read it yet, you might benefit from reading "My Gender Workbook" by Kate Barnstein. As for your fears of exploration, the only thing I can say is that sometimes you just have to take the bull by the horns and face those fears. Maybe do it one at a time, little by little. That's what I'm doing and it's paying dividends. I was finally brave enough to go out into public and meet new people while wearing nail polish and makeup. Sure I was NOWHERE near passing as a girl, but the fact that I could face that fear has made my whole life better. I don't have to be afraid to express myself however I want and I'm learning that more and more as I face more fears. hope that helps some.
Thanks MN. I'm slowly learning to take more and more risks. (Not with dressing but with life in general). And the fact that I'm not branching out much in dressing but am constantly looking at fashion and dreaming of it really, I think is driving this feeling of crisis in me. That I know I've taken risks in other areas of my life and they've paid off...so why can't I here too? Thanks for the book link; I'll definitely check that out.
