After the last holidays ended, my depression got so much worse, I had the choice of taking the Prozac meds, but I wanted to start with something cheaper, so I started this stuff called St. John's wort, which is like a plant and its one capsule a day. I've been on it about 3 weeks, and I've noticed the really strong waves of depession are getting better, but I've been feeling really really weird. I feel so numb and spaced out and I never know the date or even what day of the week it is. I stay up late every night and sleep in till lunch every day. I'm still having suicidal thoughts and I feel like I'm wasting my life and a waste of space all the time. I've been so focused on myself lately, and analizing myself, that I'm just stuck in this labyrinth and it would take a whole book to describe how crazy it is. Ive also been analysing myself over if I'm really male or not, and comparing myself to other guys and trying to re create myself but I just can't escape my old self, or think of myself differently. I just wish I could erase myself and start over again, then everything would be fine. The only way I'm coping is pretending to be someone else, but I can't do it forever but facing myself is so painful. Or even if I could just look at myself differently, i might be able to do it. I hate going outside because it hurts so much to see other guys and it makes me feel suicidal too. I just want to be anyone else but myself. And the worst thoughts I get is that even if I transition, I will still see myself the same, I'll never fit in with guys, I won't feel like a guy or I'll still be a horrible person. I just don't know what to do anymore, and I'm so sick of everything and I just wish I was male so so badly, it's taking me over. I've been researching gender way to long now, it feels like I've read every gender related article on the entire Internet. Im so exhausted. I don't think there's anything I can do about this except fight it on my own, this post feels like a last cry for help I guess. thank you for reading this and I hope you guys are all great though (*hug*)
I wish there was something I could do DX Except hugs. Lots of hugs! (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*)
What you're describing sounds so very similar to how I felt around this time last year only I could never express myself as well as you have here. Feeling numb and spaced out could be a side effect of the antidepressant or depression itself. It can sometimes be hard to distinguish. Are you staying up at night and sleeping in the next day because you're struggling to sleep? Or is it that you can't get out of bed in the morning? If it's the former, perhaps you could try some medication to help you sleep. I know there's herbal remedies but obviously you'd have to check if it's safe to take with the St John's Wort. If you're struggling to get out of bed in the morning because you just can't face the world, I'm afraid that sounds like depression and maybe the St John's isn't doing it's job. You may need something stronger. As for the rumination and worrying, while it's understandable that you're focusing on yourself a lot at the moment trying to work out your gender it isn't really all that helpful (so I'm told). Perhaps turning your attention away from yourself even just for a few minutes a day helping out a friend or family member for instance would give your brain a rest from thinking about all this stuff. Comparing yourself to cis guys, again really isn't beneficial. I used to do it all the time. I couldn't bear to go out in public without becoming depressed or enraged as I watched cis men go about their lives so effortlessly but now I don't engage in comparison because quite honestly, in my case there is no comparison to be made. Pretending to be someone else is something I have done a lot of too. I'm not really sure what to advise on that one because while it did help me cope in the short term, it's inevitable that one day you're going to have to face up to the facts that you aren't this other person that you imagine yourself to be, that you wish you could be. You're you. There's no escaping that no matter how far you decide to transition. I think this is a reality that I'm still avoiding myself but in my case I suspect it's more self loathing than anything else and I'm not sure whether it's the same for you. What exactly would you want to erase about yourself?
If your body clock is badly disrupted it will make the feelings of depression and anguish seem much, much worse. Many people with poor mental health struggle to sleep at the optimum time and I'm afraid it doesn't help if we are laid/sat awake during the dark and quiet hours of night. It gives us too much time to reflect and analyse alone and brings any negative feelings into much sharper focus. It's often during the night that suicidal intentions become more intense and unbearable too. I don't know if that's been your experience jaska? Honestly, how long has it been since you had a week of decent nights sleep? If you can't even remember, it's definitely too long. Clearly, your body is still in need of sleep, but it's not getting it when it's most needed. If you could get yourself back into a decent sleep pattern you may be surprised at how it affects your overall mood. Of course, sleep alone is not going to miraculously alter your life, but it really does have a significant impact on our ability to cope. I know this only too well myself. Mental health professionals are paying increasing attention to sleep patterns as they try to help and support patients and maybe you would benefit from getting your body clock right to give you more strength and perspective. Could you work on that? Please don't fall into the trap of thinking this way. Bottling it up inside and trying to fight your own war will do no good. You will become complicit in your own despair doing that jaska. Stay connected and give yourself an outlet.
I won't be of much help, and I apologize in advance for that. What you're describing sounds like severe depressive side effects of either the medication or the stress you're under. Therapy and proper evaluation for medication would probably be your best bet in sorting out and stabilizing your emotions right now. Medicine isn't a cure-all but it can help. Most people have to try two or three medications to find the one that keeps most of their feelings under control. Hugs and good luck! (*hug*)
awww thanks guys I wasn't expecting so many replies <3 I should also add that I am taking a hormone med called melatonin. I take one pill before bed every night, and I've noticed it makes it a lot harder to stay up later, so that's good. So I feel like I'm on the right track to a better sleep pattern at least. :/ Ah I feel you on the self loathing anon, I know that's the root of a lot of my problems. I havnt had much suicidal thoughts lately, but yeah, they are always stronger at night, wich is how I got into an unhealthy habit of staying up late on the Internet, to try and distract myself. Getting up in the morning is hard because of a lot of reasons, sometimes dysphoria. What would I want to erase about myself? My first thought is everything. But maybe specifically my talkativeness, moodiness, laziness, and that I feel like I come off to people as kind of dumb and immature than I really am. It's not that fun writing a list of stuff you hate about yourself, but I guess it's healthier than trying to ignore them. ---------- Post added 29th Oct 2014 at 09:40 PM ---------- That's a good point! If it is side effects if the worts then I should probably consider another medication option maybe. Although the feelings I'm having now were always there before i started the St. John's wort. It's so crazy to describe but it basically felt like I had two layers of my depression before the meds. There was the really obvious, noticeable feelings I got, but the other layer is just like this thick flustered layer of sadness, thats always there and constant. I'm still trying to work out what it is, but I think that could be dysphoria, in which case the meds can't help. :dry: Ugh it's so hard to explain though
Ah ha! I might have got this wrong but it looks as though you're doing what I was doing. I wanted to erase everything about myself and in changing gender, become another person altogether which included getting rid of things about myself that had absolutely nothing to do with being female. That's self loathing for you, I suppose. Antidepressants can actually create feelings of depression. I don't understand why or how that works out when they're meant to be helping but all the drugs I've tried have contained leaflets warning that possible side effects could include worsening of depression and suicidal feelings. Maybe you should go back to the doc and see what they say.
St. John's Wort while being from a natural source is a lesser tested anti-depressant and can react badly with other medications. It was one I looked into before I started on prescribed ones from the doctor. For anti-depressants the different drugs react differently for each individual and as anonym said some can hinder too. The trick is finding one that works for you at the dosage you need. I'm currently on my 4th type and from the way I'm now wondering about changing again.
