How can I stop being ashamed of being trans? I mostly have this problem in relation to my family. Pretty much all of them have mocked trans people before. My mom and dad are a bit nicer now that they know. My dad hasn't actually mentioned it at all (he doesn't live with us so it's not really a problem), but I feel really awkward and ashamed every time the topic comes up with my mom. She hasn't said anything bad about trans people after I came out to her, but she's made a lot of (well-meaning) comments that really bothered me, but I hate talking about trans stuff with her so I haven't said anything. Earlier today she asked if I was wearing my new binder, and I said yes but I just felt really awkward about the interaction, even though it was pretty harmless. I just feel really bad about it all, and like I'm going to become a family embarrassment, and that even if they act supportive they'll secretly resent me for transitioning. Is there any way to stop feeling like this? :bang:
My dear, I feel you all along the line. I remember what embarrassment I felt the first time I went shopping manly clothes with my mother! She have always thought that I wanted to "change", to be "another person" from before. But now she understands that I am me. And I like dressing myself in manly clothes, because this is the real me. When your mother will realize this as well, I assure you that you won't feel embarrassment anymore.
So I'm cis and don't have that experience but I've found some really great resources (I think)... Video about internalized transphobia: internalized transphobia. - YouTube A playlist of videos on tips for raising kids that are trans: https://m.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLFtKnJYVMf5lFLQALFAX5vaCsCVBIrIXN (maybe you could show some to your parents) Laverne Cox Presents The T Word: Laverne Cox Presents: The T Word | MTV (amazing documentary, portrays trans people like they're actually people, yay! Maybe you could get your parents to watch) Anyway good luck with everything and hopefully something out of this is helpful to you
Even if I'm not trans I do empathize because I was in that position with my sexuality and parents saying ignorant (if well-meaning at times comments) which made me feel ashamed as well. The good news is that if they do accept you, they'll become more and more open (and less ignorant) with time. I also feel like some people don't know much about trans people because they don't have the proper visibility. I've educated a lot of my family members on trans issues, and It's amazing on the progress that has been made.
Okay first. You came out trans to people. Full stop. You did that. So about people judging you and shame and all that noise. You read a lot of advice that reads something like "there's millions of people out there and they're focused on themselves and they aren't judging you". Yeah, well, when you are in guy mode trying on a pair of flats at Payless (even though the people working there have seen it a million times), that advice doesn't really work, does it? Because you definitely are going to get people not focused on themselves that are definitely judging you. So what. Really. Who are these people that are judging you, and why. Even if they're people you love and respect. How well, exactly, would they do in your shoes? If you were cis and they were trans, how would you feel about them? You wouldn't be ashamed, right? You'd probably just hug them and say "you'll get through this" or something. So if you aren't getting the same from them? That means, for a fact, you know you would handle being in their shoes better than they're handling it. And that means, probably, they wouldn't last a day in yours. Other people, they have their own goals, they have their own ideas about what's best for you. Part of growing up is realizing that, and realizing that their ideas don't always mesh with yours. Their goals for you might be wrong. You have to, at some point, stop expecting things from them, and start expecting things from yourself. If you're right or wrong, that's on you, that's your problem. Once you don't follow their advice, they might say "I told you so" and kick you when you fall down. Let 'em. It'll feel that much better when you do eventually learn enough from your mistakes to succeed. I look at it this way. I supported my family, I left a bad home situation, I went through the Navy, I earned my bachelor's degree, I got a decent job. And I did all that, with all the additional BS that comes with being trans. If someone else wants to sit there, in their comfy home, in their comfy job, not having taken half the risks I took, and feel like they're better than me? Let 'em. They deserve it. They haven't seen or done a quarter of the things I have. That's my reward. I got to snowboard in a shopping mall in Dubai, and have wine and pizza in front of the Colosseum in Rome. Even if they did those things, they were almost definitely handed to them; I earned mine the hard way. But you know even more than that. I'm the one that went through the fear that came from coming out. I know, no matter what happens, that I was capable of jumping over that wall. And that most people simply aren't. I've done things that I can be proud of, and if I were living their lives, I know this makes me sound like a jerk, but I would not be proud of that. I don't rest on my laurels or go too far in the other direction though. There's people out there better at every single thing I think I'm good at than I am. Tons better. I'm just a human being, like everyone else. I'm still falling on my butt and learning from it. The only difference between me and other people, is that I am the only one that knows exactly what I need out of life, and I have a better idea than anyone else how to get it using only what I have. Your grandparents and everyone else, can't experience being trans the way you can. So they are always going to rank it differently as far as priorities than you. They just don't know what it's like. All they see is the additional hardship it brings. So all I'm saying is, overcome that hardship. You will feel awesome about yourself every single time you do, and no one can ever take that away from you.
(*hug*) First off, you are not alone. there are a few helpful links... I'd say take your time to go through them... http://www.gires.org.uk/assets/DOH-Assets/pdf/doh-transgender-experiences.pdf They talk of it having biological causes. meaning its not just a whim ... What I do not like is on page 7 talking about stress... this is not what all people have experienced, and some experience relief... and this, if you have not already: https://sait.usc.edu/lgbt/files/PFLAG Coming Out As Trans.pdf I cannot tell you what to do since you know the people involved best... so its your decision. I would show the first leaflet and the first page of the second leaflet... but take your time... You might think about counseling, with a gender therapist, for example, or someone from an lgbt center... saying you want some counseling... Now don't feel ashamed... you are who you are, and it is important to be in contact with ones feelings. You might just tell your feelings... you might talk about it with your mom... she might reassure you, and you could talk about it... To others its sometimes a possibility to just remain unflinched, and they will come around in time... We're all here to support you... just ask... (*hug*)(*hug*)
I totally feel that way too. Like, yeah sure, they accept me, but do they try and hide me from other family members? Like I'm an embarrassment or something? You're definitely not alone in this.
All I can say is, you're definitely not alone. Yeah, I'm out to nearly everyone in my life, and I will come out about being trans if someone asks, but I still hate it deep down and do feel ashamed. It's really hard to get to a point where you just don't care anymore, and I've been out for two years, in December, and haven't gotten to that point yet.
I used to have the same problem with my gender identity and my gender expression. I ended up learning not to care about what other's thought, especially when pertaining to this. I learned that there was nothing for me to be guilty of. In a twist of events, I found an unlikely "supporter", in that of a relative who always had given me a hard time over this, once I became confident with who I was. I think trying meditation may help you to better get over your guilt. I suppose you could call what I was feeling when I came to realize this a form of meditation.
I think the majority of us in the LGBT community at large get sucked into feelings of shame at one time or another. If you look at a printed page, we know that we are out in the margins somewhere and that is not a comfortable place to be. Also, many people outside the community spare no effort in making it known that they think we are something that should not be. In being TS, I think many people don't have a clue as to what that is and how your particular situation fits in. I don't think we should expect people to find out on their own as who knows what untoward B/S they will pick up. Therefore, the best thing is that you need to explain where all of this sits for you. Coming out is one part, and that is an extraordinary thing that you did! The other part is explaining how certain remarks or reactions make you feel. People who have any sensitivity at all won't usually go out of their way to cause discomfort for someone else, but they have to know what to avoid. Regarding how certain conversations feel strange and awkward, I think that will get better with time. The parallel for me is discussing my dressing with my wife or another male who crossdresses. At first it seems REALLY Weird, but with time it grows on you and you may realize that it is just a topic of conversation. Good Luck!!
You just have to live through it. Being trans is hard, and the way a lot of society treats us makes it harder. Right now, the environment that you're in makes reconciling your feelings about being transgender difficult, and unfortunately that can't be helped. I'm reminded of a similar time several years ago in my own life. My parents were nice, but I could hear it in their voice when they couldn't quite treat me as a normal person anymore. To this day, I don't know whether that was my insecurity or theirs. Either way, it either passes, or you find a healthier group to be a part of.
