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My first experience with Dysphoria

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by scarstar14, Nov 1, 2014.

  1. scarstar14

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    I've been absent here for a while, 7 classes in college and feeling completely lost in genderedness can do that to a person.

    No one alive knows how i feel. So you get to be the first, and i'm thinking of telling someone i know from our Pride group at my school (which will be awkward considering we talk but arent friends, but for some reason she is the one i want to know).

    For a while now i've been trying to figure out how the heck I feel and even what the heck i am. Well I'd begun to just settle as androgynous because it was how i thought i fit, thought it was all about how people saw me and nothing to do with what i am actually physically.
    But theres one thing thats faced me for a while. I've tried to ignore it, not wanting it to be true. But its been around for quite some time. I actually feel like i am missing a penis, well i mean yeah i dont have one, but it feels like i should, i feel like one should be there. When i was still with my ex, i used to have moments of realization when i was distraught i had no penis. So i guess technically i experienced dysphoria before, i just never realized it and at a point refused to accept it.
    But last night I was re-watching the walking dead with a family member who hasnt started watching until recently. We're on season 2 and for those of you that have watched it we watched the episode where Shane is teaching Andrea to shoot and then after a search of a house they're in the car driving home, and Andrea just reaches over and grabs Shane's pants (and i suppose thats all those of you who havent seen the walking dead need to know). But it was like when she did that I felt that a part of me, that doesnt exist, was aroused, and it was frustrating and shameful and i kinda wanted to scream or moan :confused:

    I just feel pretty down right now. I dont want to feel this way, i dont want to accept it, I feel so wrong, so lost, frustrated, frustarted at my body for being wrong, frustrated at my head for not liking my body, mad that my family wont accept it, mad that my would never accept it, and just all out alone. :help::bang::tantrum::eusa_snoo
     
  2. DoriaN

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    I've experienced the phantom part too. I can defn relate.

    I always thought I had boobs or a large/obvious chest, I used to slouch and wear baggy clothes to hide.

    http://i.imgur.com/GGo8kpl.jpg

    Super fat and ugly right?

    But that's how messed up your mind gets, why is the brain wired like this.

    Also, I never cared about penis size or shape or anything, I never understood why guys did that or felt a connection. To me I didn't care about having a penis, the idea of erections is uncomfortable, and I only use it as a tool. What really bothers me, is the bulge, it should NOT be there. I was always covering my lower half in shame.

    You aren't wrong, you're you. Everyone has issues and something they get to go through, ours is just more physical than most. My father straight up said I will never be his daughter, and I can't even talk for a second anything lgbt related and I'm Christian.

    So I know how much it can suck, and I still have it easier than others. Chin up! You have a lot who love and support you. Don't be ashamed of who you are.
     
  3. Chriswe

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    I really can relate to you. Sometimes it just feels like I should've been born with different bodyparts than I have, been given a name for the gender everyone think I'm not, but you know life is unfair to some of us.

    But please, please, please, I beg you: Never stop believing in yourself. Never start hating yourself. Never stop fighting for yourself. Because you are beautiful, just like everyone on this weird planet. You are never alone, there's so much people like you one this website, and so much people who are here to help you. <3
     
  4. paris

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    Hello, scarstar. (*hug*) Please, don't do that to yourself. I know it's frustrating and not that easy to accept but don't waste your time by hating who you are, life's not that long, you know. I don't know but I really think that all the difficulties and hurdles in our lives make us to grow and that's what we came here for. (This reminds me of a dude on twitter who likes to show off, taking selfies with iPhones and money and stuff. He may be materially rich but I believe he's spiritually very poor and I would never change with him!)

    I can relate to some of what you wrote. I definitely know how does it feel when a woman gives you a boner. I always thought I should've been born with a penis and even considered for a while I may be a transgender but realized body dysphoria itself doesn't necessarily mean you're trans.
    Fortunately there are ways how to make yourself feel better and more comfortable with your body. Speaking of myself I realized I don't mind not having a bulge so I don't need to pack. I don't need an STP either. I have my needs regarding sex though. In general I have more chest dysphoria because it makes people to assume I'm a female and it sucks sometimes. I consider binding.
    On the inside do you feel like a male, a female, both, or neither? Do you want to be seen as a male, a female, both, or neither? What about pronouns? You may switch between distinct masculine, feminine or neutral personas, or you may feel your identity is more steady; you may accept your natural body and only wish to have had a specific part(s) of the opposite sex, or you may even wish to change with hormones or surgery... whatever's fine.
    There are many non-binary genders to consider. Just take your time to figure out what your gender identity and expression is... it's not an easy path but I believe that being true to oneself and living genuinely is really worth it.

    Speaking about your family, I can imagine how scary it is. I'm not out to my parents either but I'm heading there. Even though they may not be supportive this is my life and I'm not gonna waste it by pretending to be someone I'm not. I've done this for a long time and it just makes me sick and unhappy.
    Wishing you all the best and feel free to post more.
     
  5. MN Writer

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    Just wanted to say that I was like you and was SOOOO afraid of what everyone would say and think about me if I told them I was trans. I envisioned all the horribly small-minded things they might say or do. I worried myself nearly to death about what my mother would think and how I was going to break the news to her. BUT what I’ve found since I was willing to overcome the fear I had about coming out is that people who know you and love you are way more open minded and accepting than you want to give them credit for. I can’t say that my mom was happy or thrilled that her son of 29 years decided he was really a she and that she* wanted to start transitioning so the rest of the world saw her* for the woman she* was, but we are still on speaking terms and she (my mother) still loves me. Perhaps my mom is confused and doesn’t really know how to completely adjust to the idea, but because of her love for me she’s at least willing to try. My friends on the other hand, have been exceptionally accepting and loving about my decision to come out as a transwoman, even some of them who I thought for certain would be jerks about it.

    I know you aren’t completely sure what you are, which is totally normal for one who fits under the umbrella term Transgender. It took me a long time to fully accept and cope with my desire to be female and for a very long time I just didn’t really understand what was “wrong” with me. I, like you, felt the phantom genitalia sometimes and had a deep longing for it to be real. It would even drive me to deep sadness and anger that I couldn’t just be a girl physically, not when I felt so much like one on the inside. I can’t say that I’m ashamed of my penis like some transwomen are, but I definitely feel like I’d rather have a vagina instead.

    The point I’m making is, it’s okay to be confused and a bit angry, it’s part of the process. The key is to not let it consume you, and honestly, the best way I’ve found to avoid that, is to see a therapist about it. If you can find a therapist who has some experience with gender dysphoria, you should definitely try to talk to them about what you are feeling. They will be able to help. IDK if that’s feasible for you, but you should look into it.

    There is much love here for you.