I will never get a girl

I wouldn't be surprised if how you're feeling isn't a bigger barrier than your identity. Not say 'Bad Ray, feel better or be forever alone!' More.. I encourage you to seek help for that or find a way to focus on that, rather than focusing on 'I'm trans, therefore nothing will work out for me'.

I know that's all a lot easier said than done.. but I think by being here and talking about how you feel is a good first step.

 

I understand that it seems very dark right now, but the light will come back.
Somewhere out there, a girl is waiting for someone just like you. You're still young, you just got to find her.
About that you're depressed, please don't be afraid to seek help or talk to someone.

It will get better.

 

Maybe not my place to give advice, but my very straight and cisgendered sister has lived 26 years so far w/o a single boyfriend. I don't think you should be feeling down that you don't have a girlfriend at your age.

And maybe stop looking for only openly-bi/pansexual people. Someone who thinks they're straight might turn out to be bi/pan if you give them a chance.

Cheers (*hug*)

 

Okay, so please don't take this the wrong way because I know age is just a relative thing (and you can't exactly help it), but at the age of 19 there is NO WAY to be certain you'll be alone forever. I know plenty of women who have trans FtM partners (most of them were gay/lesbian before and met their FtM partners at gay bars etc.). I was even part of a wedding for one of those couples.

You have to learn to think about this from a different perspective. Your belief that it will never happen or that the girls will be grossed out is the exact thing that's keeping you from getting what you want. I know that's hard to hear, and it's easy to self-victimize over your responsibility in the resulting loneliness, but once can accept that most of the problem is your perspective and approach, you can learn to change that for the better. You ABSOLUTELY SHOULD hit on those hot girls and see what happens. There is this thing about women that successfully dating men learn and that is most women react very positively to confidence. Why do you think the stereotype exists that (straight) girls always like the "bad boy" type? it's because "bad boys" are almost always CONFIDENT in their approach.

I have a unique perspective about this because I was raised and socialized to be male, but have been female all along, so in a way I had to learn the hard way how to attract women to me through typically cisgendered male methods. Number one trait on that list is confidence. Number two is to smile. It sounds stupid, I know, but you've got to smile and make confident eye contact. There have been countless studies that show how much this affects a person's attractiveness.

If they do get weird about it or they reject you, the best thing you can do is to act like it's no big deal (even if it is to you) because you don't need their affection. I know it sounds like bad advice to not show your emotions, but if you are wanting a girl who finds you attractive as a male, you've got to almost act like you don't need them because you are manly enough on your own to take care of yourself. You'd be amazed how effective it can be, it certainly worked for me. The only issue for me was that I was really a girl pretending to be the male they saw me as, so it was always a façade. I wanted to be kind and gentle and passive. I wanted to be the one being pursued not the pursuer.

I suspect for you it is the opposite, you want to be the pursuer and the confident masculine energy in the interaction but maybe are having a hard time overcoming the socialized feminine parts of yourself?

Whatever the case, you have to decide you aren't going to give up and that if you try enough and work at it enough, you will succeed. 99% of all success comes from the determination to succeed and to never give up until you DO succeed. (the other 1% is luck). I believe in you. You are far from unattractive (as far as I can tell), so just practice your confidence and keep trying.

IDK, maybe my advice isn't great for you, only you can tell. Just be smart and safe, but above all else, be confident. If you can't be confident, fake it till you ARE it.

 

Exactly! It's important to understand, especially for someone younger in life, that having a partner doesn't really cure any problems you are having (except maybe money if you comingle it). Everything you are feeling now (lack of confidence, sadness, and even loneliness) will still be present in that relationship, especially if it becomes a long term relationship. Maybe at first you’ll be too happy about the new relationship to notice the other things, but they will still be there and chances are they will manifest in new and terrible ways if they aren’t addressed.

This goes back to my advice about building your confidence. If you can learn to be happy and confident on your own before anything else, you will be much more prone to attracting a better relationship. Fix the inside and everything else will fall into place. Sounds silly but the sages have taught us this for ages.

 

I am sort of similar to you, Ray. I don't like myself, I think no one would ever want to be with me because of who I am. It's hard to not think that way sometimes. I used to be looking for a relationship this whole last year and I couldn't meet anyone anywhere it seemed. I tried online sites, clubs, even just going out more to get out there. Nothing worked at all, though I did make a pretty great friend which is nice. I figured what's the point, I'll always be alone so I stopped looking. Just like everyone told me if you stop looking for someone, you'll find someone. I am dating someone now, we've been dating for maybe a few months now although I have mostly been keeping it a secret, I'm not sure why.

I still have all those feelings about myself and when I am with him they usually go away. But once I go back home I feel all the same things. It was discomforting to read all the stuff everyone else has said about how you need to sort of love yourself before a relationship.

Anyways I am not sure if that helps at all, I totally get your struggle though.

 

KelsC, sorry if what I wrote was discomforting. I just wanted OP to know what you echoed in your own story about how when you go home you still feel those pessimistic/sad things about yourself. When you are with him you forget about all of that, which is good, because it means you are feeling love of some kind (maybe not “in love” if you haven’t gotten there, but you are at least letting go of your resistance and allowing your natural state of love to flow past your doubts) but the love of another will never be enough to really root out the sadness you feel inside. It can help you realize that you are being too hard on yourself, but in the end you have to be the one who heals your pain with self-love, no one else can do it.

I think you are pretty awesome, myself, but that will be a pale comparison to the love you’ll feel when you **accept** (key word here) your own awesomeness. Our society says you aren’t supposed to love yourself too much, because then it’s just pride or arrogance, but they are mistaken. Pride and arrogance both arise from a heart that DOESN’T love itself. It’s an outward overcompensation for the lack of self-love. No one who truly loves themselves as the beautiful miracle that they are could ever suffer from too much pride or arrogance (because they understand that all things, living and non-living are precious miracles). True self-love leads to compassion and peace, to allowing that which already is to exist without judgment or condemnation. We are all divine expressions of love in physical form, we just forget that along the way. Learn to quiet the mind and you’ll remember just how amazing you are and those sad feelings you have about yourself will evaporate like the phantoms of thought that they are. The thoughts hurt because they aren’t true. If what you are thinking hurts you, then almost always the opposite thought is the truth. (I’m worthless = sad = lie. I’m beautiful = happy = truth)

Okay I’ll put away my hippie soapbox now. =)
(*hug*)

 

I know how you feel! I don't mind not dating until I am older, but I worry about never experiencing love... I can't date straight guys because I see myself as a man, and them treating me like a woman would hurt. Still, I can't see a gay man wanting me because I am female body-wise. Girls are a no for me anyway. It's confusing and I don't know what advice I'd give except keep looking for your type of person if you desire to fall in love! There's somebody for everybody if you look. Just know you are not the only person here suffering from that!

 

the first step is to decide you want to. Once you decide that you want to find ways to accept yourself and to not be angry with yourself, you can start to make small improvements. you can start to notice when you are being overly hard on yourself and start to forgive yourself for being so hard on yourself (don't get mad about how you are mad at yourself, that doesn't work). When you find yourself overwhelmed with thoughts and anger, try to take your focus off of the repeating thoughts and turn it to something completely in the current moment. concentrating on your breathing is an excellent way to find in the moment peace (I'm a Buddhist, so I'm offering conscious meditation methods) or concentrating fully on what you are doing (writing, walking, typing, touching something, etc.) without thought. If you can get good at this practice of conscious meditation, you will find that all of your anger/sadness/doubt will dissipate.

You should read "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle, it might help you overcome some of your self-doubt/anger

 

Some things will take some time. I thought I'd be forever alone for the longest time, but love came onto my path again and now I'm engaged.

Don't be so hard on yourself, bro. Love will find you in the weirdest of places.

 

I know I cannot completely relate to the situation, but I definitely relate to being lonely. I feel like I am afraid to pursue relationships, especially with girls since my family is 100% against homosexuality. Sometimes I feel like it is just easier to stay single rather than face the judgement. But I am always hoping that someone will just miraculously show up and we will fall in love or something, I know it's silly and because I am too afraid to make the first move I will stay single. Maybe if you just put yourself out there a bit there will be someone with a similar situation to mine waiting for you. Best of luck!