It's like, why live when life is pointless? So what if I'm happy one day and not the next. There is literally nothing I could do to ever legitimately change the world without theorizing about the butterfly effect. My life is less than a grain of sand when compared to the souls of earth, and even then the earth is less than a spec of dust when compared to the universe. What's the point in spending so much on transitioning to correct some kind of mistake at birth that makes me feel broken and disconnected from the world and from myself? Why go through hell if I have the capability to end everything? Why does anyone deal with anything? Why does anyone want to live, if everyone is just surviving? It's like, what is really the point of doing anything...? Does everyone just hide behind a warehouse of masks meant to handle every social situation, or is it just me who is broken? How can I feel so much love from people, and give so much love to people, and yet somehow feel nothing? My family is amazing, yet I've never felt like I was a part of it. There are pictures of "me" everywhere, but I've never seen one that registered as me. The mirror is where the demons from within your soul can look out through your eyes and rip your heart to pieces. Why can the body cry for hours on end, shaking the entire time, and feel refreshed after, yet feel so exhausted when waking up from a motionless slumber. I just don't understand the point of reaching for my goals, if I can't see the world as a place worth being in. Everyone else seems to disagree with me, so why is it so bad if I ignore my inner princess locked in her castle, and help rescue everyone else's? Why is it so bad for me to feel comfortable in my own skin, in my own mind? Words can write themselves on an endless page, but we decide the order that they go in. But no matter what order we give to them, the world is still nothing but chaos. Sadness is life, and everything else seems to feel like a lie. I'm just so depressed about everything, even though I have so much going for me. I was born broken, and so close to death, but the doctors saved me and called it a "miracle." Maybe to them, but I don't really see the point in celebrating my birthday because to me, it's just an anniversary to the worst day of my life. Why is anything important to anyone? Are these just questions we ignore out of fear? How do I even ignore these questions when the sound of my voice is like the chill of a deep winter night, impossible to avoid, and often fatal. I don't know if there is a question in there that anyone can answer, I don't even know if I'm asking a question. I just needed to write how I feel right now in this moment down, somewhere I know it will be seen. Not in my journal, locked away behind firewalls and passwords, hidden so far away that all it's done is etch my deepest feelings into my heart with a sword coated in fire. I don't know what I need, I'm on anti depressants, and they work surprisingly well, but these questions plague my mind everyday, and self doubt is explosive, so much so that my pillow is just a soggy mess coated in tears and pain. Life shouldn't be this hard. What am I doing wrong?... I'm sorry to anyone who took the time to read all of this... But I do want to say thank you, because whether I know you read it or not, I know someone will, and that's enough to let me sleep tonight.
You sound like you're in desperate need of transitioning, but maybe aren't in a position to be doing so right now? I'd encourage you to hold on till the day that you can at least try it to see if it helps ease this feeling. (*hug*)
I remember asking myself the fateful question of what's the point in my life. I was born with multiple health issues including blindness in one eye, growth hormone deficiency, and chronic eczema. My parents were also told at birth that i would be mentally retarded by a doctor who probably isn't very good at his job (i actually just have adhd, i'm fairly sure of that.). Why do i say that? Well right now i have an associates in computer science, and i'm close to finishing a bachelor's in information security, and i have several IT certifications with more to come, and that makes me fucking proud. Nobody ever thought that i would make it this far in life. Yet i did by my own perseverance and persistence, my refusal to give up. Do i get depressed? Sure i do, i cry, i go to sleep and then i wake up with a sense of defiance of my own depression, because i have a flame in my heart that refuses to let me give up. To answer your question as to the point of life? There is no point, and that's beautiful. Chaos should be embraced not feared. I don't need a magical sky god to direct my life like a script, making every decision for me, no. i make that fucking script. Do you know how rare humans are? Do you know how rare and beautiful you are? Humans by all rights should not exist. We are a statistical improbability, 1 in a million. Not only that but every person is different and unique in some way. You have to have exactly the right conditions to create life let alone life that is as intelligent as ours. Chaos is responsible for that, chaos in a way, is my god. So create your own point. Life is a sandbox not a directed movie, it's your job to define what kind of person you want to be. My advice, be someone that affects other peoples lives in any small positive way, even small things have ripple effects that lead greater changes down the line. Fun fact: Due to the rapid expansion of the universe, you are always at the center of it. ---------- Post added 2nd Nov 2014 at 11:53 PM ---------- Also if my original post wasn't long enough (lol), i have one other thing to tell you. People in society may wear masks and pretend that they are someone they're not, doesn't mean you have to. It's sounds cliche but the words be yourself is probably the best thing you can do. Remember, "society" and the economy is really just a game we humans created. There is no universal physical law that says we have to have either of those. All humans play games whether we admit it or not.
I can't really start transitioning because my mom has kind of undergone a mental breakdown in the last month or two. She's been going insane, and anything she deems as even slightly abnormal causes her to undergo serious paranoia and anxiety. She refuses to admit that she has a problem, or she repeats that she's getting better... when it's obvious she isn't. In the middle of this I came out to my dad... which was probably too much stress for him, but he's been more accepting than I could have ever have hoped, considering I fully believed I was going to be kicked out of the house. I still can't ever imagine finding a purpose to life, the only reason I really choose to live anymore is because killing myself seems like a terrible thing to do considering the intense emotional trauma it would put on all of those around me. The amount of self-doubt I've gone through in the last few weeks has made me a depressed mess that barely functions when I'm at home. I got a raise recently... somehow... and that will help a bit, but right now the emotional strain I'm having to endure from serious self - transphobia, is ridiculous. I don't know what suddenly caused it, but I'm only transphobic towards myself... which right now sounds stupid, but it's been off and on. I just want to feel comfortable in my skin... that's literally it... why does it have to be so difficult for my own mind, much less anyone else to accept that?... I've been seeing a therapist, and it's helped, but I'm worried to tell her about my self-doubt because I would still like to start hormones as soon as possible, and I'm afraid that it may cause a long-term delay. I'm just so afraid... and I feel stuck... like I'm just at the surface of the water, but it's so hard to reach for the last little bit... and finally get a breath of air, instead of drowning and succumbing to failure... It's like I can logically see the path before me... but my emotions are in such a wreck that I've forced myself to believe that it isn't my path to take. But it's the only one I can see, so I'm stuck right here, at a dead end. I know who I am... why can't I just accept myself? And how do I expect others to accept me if I can't?
Chaos theory is awesome. Yeah, I've thought 'what's the point of anything when everything we do will eventually be destroyed?' It's difficult to see positive stuff when we're clouded by the darkness of our thoughts. Although we often have to fight for it, there are good things in life and we'd be as well enjoying them while we're here. Maybe everything is predetermined. I prefer to live as if I'm in control because I like to imagine my defiance is entertaining something beyond this universe. Even if that defiance is also predetermined. Or at least that's how I justify being so idiosyncratic. My pride doesn't allow me to bend the knee to any god, real or not. If I had to follow a god, it would be the fictional Tzeentch. I've tried to explain myself to doctors and they just say it's a symptom of my disorder. I'm not gonna lie. Pleasure and knowledge are my main driving forces. Of course, I personally fear that there is no deeper meaning to life than money, power, and sex. Learning is fun, but I'm all too aware of human limitations. I try to look beyond myself, but what do you see in the future of humanity? We are born, we do things, we die, the end? It's funny you should bring this up because I was recently talking to my good friend about the meaning of life. She told me that "each and every person has to find their own meaning to life. The first step is to make the most of it, as well as help others." I probably didn't help you too much, but I wanted you to know that I've had similar thoughts and I sympathise.
I know how you feel (*hug*) I have so many times when I just need to get stuff out there. I wrote stuff like that so many times. That first year and 3 months, between when I came out and when I could finally start my own hormones, that was like going down a slide made out of broken glass. I'm still not quite sure how I got through it. I did though. You get through this too? I want there to be someone to give the next one of us a hug when she needs it.
This isnt the first time it has been said but... I have been there. I had almost those same exact feelings. You know you need to change. It just sounds like you need to find the right time. Perhaps you could wait until a time your mother is feeling a little more accepting? But I suppose you don't know when that might be? Well, what did your dad say when you told him? That was very brave of you by the way, telling him, when you thought you would might get kicked out. Congrats, and I am very glad you didn't. Is there any chance your mother might listen more closely if your father is with you when you talk about it?
