this is all just a lot to handle. Part of me wishes I wasn't so honest with myself and could have just gone on as a "normal" heterosexual male. I feel a lot of mental and emotional barriers when I am trying to figure it all out. Also I second guess myself at every turn. Like what if I just want attention and for people to see me so I don't feel invisible? What if I'm addicted to inner conflict so I've finally found one that can satisfy me for life? What if I'm not trans or queer or anything and just had emotional/feminine energy suppressed by my mother and just need to balance that out? What if all these questions are just me trying to hide from the real facts of what I'm feeling? I feel vulnerable. I feel embarrassed. And I feel overwhelmed at the task and path ahead of me. What if I come out and then change my mind? What if I am never able to live in a way that is true to myself? I have a very masculine body. 6'2" broad shoulders, thinning hair. It's not the body type that can easily pull off stylish or feminine clothing. Maybe I wish I had a female body, but don't and I'm not really interested in surgery. But if I could at least have a smaller male body that can be more androgynous. If I dress myself up more then I don't want people to just see a big strong man trying his best to look pretty. I don't want to be pathetic (no offense to anyone out there, just my personal judgments/feelings.) Sorry for the splurge of personal stuff. I'm just feeling very emotional and vulnerable right now.
I had many of the same feelings. I guess... it really boils down to how you see yourself. Could you be an old man? What about old woman? Would you be okay with not passing but being girly and yourself, or acting however? Are you okay with the world hating you, but at the end of it you know everyone has something bad going for them and we all have flaws? It's all about you. If it'll make you happy, what's to stop you? I big time fear what other's think, I don't want to be some 'fag dude in a dress'. It's stressful and emotional. It sounds like you're undecided and maybe you just need time to think, don't be afraid to act girly as a dude, it's perfectly fine.
Wow, you and me are going through some similar stuff. I'm bio female but feel male inside. I wish I had been born a guy all the time. I try so hard to become more feminine so know one will know. I am so confused because I don't want to be this way. Sorry for rambling on, I just want you to know your not the only one going through this. I'm just as confused as you are. I don't know if I can help but I'm more then willing to listen if you need to talk.
I have the reverse mindset. I wish I were taller with broad shoulders so I could look a little more masculine. But size aside, there's nothing wrong with doing a few feminine things like cooking, bubble baths, and other stereotypically feminine things. I would consider your options. If you truly feel like you would be more comfortable as woman that's fine, but you will still be a six foot two woman with broad shoulders. Either way I support your decision. Stay strong.
Thanks for relating TrueHeartz Kaiken, I know, that's what's botching me right now. If I were smaller I could at least pull off an androgynous look. But at best I'll be a "six foot two woman with broad shoulders."
You might have a look at this: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/156584-am-i-actually.html#5 (*hug*)
I get you. My body is far from masculine, I'm too short and curvy -- but I don't want to look like a butch woman, I want to be able to pass, even if it's as a feminine guy. The longer I know about this, the stronger the desire is to break out of this shell. When I see pictures of transguys on T with top surgery, I feel envious (of course I'd rather be a cis male, but that's not possible). To make it more complicated, I'm in a heteronormative marriage with a straight guy who probably doesn't want to become gay. So I risk the loss of that relationship if I go farther. If it were only a matter of being bi, I think my friends and family would accept it ... but being trans is another matter entirely.