I"m not active member of the board. Some of you may know my story and for the rest I would rather not go into details. However, some info maybe TMI, but the subject is related to human sexuality and it cannot be omitted. I’m not on HRT on any hormonal drugs. I do not know what to do anymore. Where to post it or who to talk to? This forum is the closest place to my own experiences, yet I'm dealing with things that are too strange. Couple months ago I contacted therapist online. She tried to help, but it took her weeks to respond and at the end she bailed out. I think it was too much for her to handle. I believe that every other therapist would have similar response I'm searching for answers and trying to understand things or make some sense out of it, because if I don't I will loose my mind. Daily functioning is extremely difficult, I know i have signs of depression. Sometimes , I would like my life to end or at least be able to forget my whole life. I go about my daily routine, but I find no pleasure in it. Sometimes, i forget about it for week or two and then it comes back. I realize that what I'm about to write will sound totally crazy, but I have no choice and describe things as it happened. Have this things bottled up inside is not healthy. This relates to human sexuality and orgasm. Male type response: - localized arousal in penile area - erection - ejaculation - short period - need for sleep after the act Female type response: - internal spread arousal - increased body heat - feeling of being disconnected from your own body - feeling of reaching highest point of arousal, sort of like roller coaster followed by decrease of tension - pounding heart beat - long, it can last minutes and be followed by another wave, even stronger one - body stays charged and ready for another act (15-30 minutes), you do not feel sleepy We have to remember that each individual experiences orgasm differently, but overall there are some similarities that divide males and females. I'm really at loss over here. I can achieve both opposite responses. To be precise I can choose which I want. I can reach male type with some strong visual stimulation and physical activity or female type with my mind alone. There is third type that I would describe as in between. Just like male type with erection and minimal almost dry ejaculation, response is spread all over the body but is very short. It's exactly the same as the one triggered by mind, but much more condensed in time. Occasionally male type causes also tingling sensation in my nipples. In most cases female response is associated by erection, but no ejaculation. On one occasion there was no erection at all, yet all other symptoms were present. 3-4 times there were multiple responses divided by couple minutes of rest. These second responses were not triggered, but involuntary and usually much stronger. Each female type response is different. It's intensity varies with level of arousal. What I noticed is that time plays important role. Longer periods of abstain causes female response to be much stronger, even with minimal arousal. One more thing. In order to achieve that state I cannot be aware of my physical body and I have to approach it "as female"and imaginary stimulation has to be of female type. It means it would have to the type that makes woman aroused. It's a gradual build up of arousal, sort of like "climbing" that takes over lower section of my body, thighs, legs, chest, back and to the point when you stop feeling your own body and your mind is literally in some central point, disconnected. It can last couple seconds or more. During that time you have no control over anything. It feels like being wrapped in some cocoon. Truly incredible experience. Pounding heart bit comes at the end and it is scary because it feels like you will end up with heart attack. Once the process is started there is no way of stopping it. It's involuntary and it has to play out till the end. I looked at this from different angles and have no clue how it's even possible? The mind boggling thing is that my body is capable of reacting to two different types of male and female stimulations and respond accordingly to it, externally or internally. Initially, after first, second and third time, I thought it was all accidental, but later I realized that I can repeat the whole thing with my own efforts and is fairly easy. The pattern is always the same, but what changes is intensity. Some days this happens almost instantly, on other days is little bit more difficult. There are days when it's not possible at all, even if I try it very hard. Similarly with male and third type, they do not remain constant and as a male you learn that there is not much variation in orgasm and they feel the same. Well, not for me anymore. If you want to try it yourself, what you have to do is to be relaxed, the best time is when you go to bed. Lay down on your side, keep your thighs together. Take couple deep breaths and imagine that this air flows through your body. Think about something that would make you aroused. Instead of thinking about sexual organs or sexual act, imagine some situation or being with your partner and concentrate on these aspects that trigger some reaction. You may have an erection and that feeling of arousal may shifts inside you body. You may feel tingling in different parts of your body, thighs or arms and if you on the right path that feeling will grow stronger. It should take couple seconds, maybe 3-5 minutes. If nothing happens during that short time, then there is no point of continuing longer. Try again on another day. I would like to know if anybody can replicate this experience? Anybody, male, female, cis, trans... Let's assume for a second that this internal involuntary response is also a male type and every other male is capable of reaching it. Maybe other males are capable but never tried it because the idea of approaching sex act "as a female" is so repulsive to them it never crossed their minds? And how come it's impossible to find any description of it, even the ones that happened accidentally? Maybe human beings are hardwired for both types of responses, but the way we think about our sexual roles and stimulation sets boundaries that we dare to cross? Maybe there are other important factors? The most frustrating thing is that I can't talk to anyone about it. Seeing therapist seems futile. Seeing other types of doctors seems like total waste of time. I tried and it was horrible experience. And even if they would find some biological causes, I feel like I'm not ready for making any decisions, to tell the truth I do not have a strong sense of gender identity, it changes constantly and most of the time I'm somewhere in between. It would drive me mad talking to a therapist that simply does not believe my words. Plus all these doctors and therapists fall in some sort of routine when dealing with a patients. There are all sort of advice for people in LGBT community like try to understand who you are etc But really, how do you reconcile my experiences and move forward? How am I supposed to do that? I already accepted that I am a major freak of nature and sometimes I tell myself that I'm just different human being. The fact that I can't reconcile it is holding me back. What kind of man am I? I really doubt that biologically I am only a male. I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing by posting this. Please help if you can. I know it's something you never dealt with or you never experience.
Well, before I answer your question, I do want to mention that it's my personal belief 90% of the problems people have with sexuality come from this "normal" business. Everyone wants to know that they aren't alone. They know that they're different (and they are, don't get me wrong). It's not something you can intellectualize away, it really sucks feeling that way. I came here today because my own trans crap was making it hard to focus on my work. If that describes you, though, then you have to realize "feelings don't have IQs". I deal with that "am I the only one" feeling by listening to music for a little while. That seems to work way better than anything else. It gets me away from the world of other people and how I relate to them for a few blissful minutes. Our being hardwired as social creatures is, I feel, really a sucky position to be in. I'm not being dismissive with this advice at all, or trying to downplay the way you feel. Just sharing what works for me. But to answer your question, we have similarities and differences. I've always had a more "feminine" sexuality. It's hard to go into details on a 13 and up forum, but yeah, sweaty sheets, multiples, heartbeat, sex is something that I "do" and something that "happens to me" equally. And I have always taken forever Thinking about the wrong "role" or the wrong kind of person just kills the mood, we both pretty much need to be women. I tried dating another transitioner once, but it kind of made me come to terms with the fact that "equipment" is just an obstacle I can't get past, myself or them. I definitely need both of us to have vaginas, which pretty much makes me incompatible with just about anyone sexually long term 'till I have my "bottom surgery". I guess my own dividing line and yours as far as what's "masculine" and "feminine" is a little different from yours though. To me, "masculine" is where you have pecking orders, "tops" and "bottoms", roles, rules, that kind of crap, and "feminine", none of that stuff, everything's on a level playing field and flexible. From that perspective, gay sex - either kind - makes way way more sense to me than straight sex.
