Confused as heck and could use some help

Alright, I may babble in this thread and I'm really sorry for that.

I guess I may as well hop to and say that, gender wise, I am really confused. For quite a while now I've identified as androgynous, simply because it was easier for me to identify that way rather than as an all-out gender on either side, but I've found recently that it just doesn't work for me, because every time someone calls me 'adorable' or 'cute', or even when they use female pronouns I kinda just want to smash my head against the nearest surface and scream that I'm male.

I guess the whole reason I'm confused is because I do still hold some feminine qualities that I do enjoy, like makeup for example. Hell, even my chest doesn't bother me all the time. I hear about people all the time with extremely bad dysphoria and it really does make me feel like maybe I've got the wrong end of the stick and I'll feel awful about myself, and then I'll think about a man's shoulders or hips and feel outright jealous, and it'll make me feel even worse.

I mean this may be tmi but when I really do forget myself and I do go below the belt the sudden remembrance that I don't have a penis kind of kicks off what I can only assume is dysphoria and then I'll feel like crap for days afterwards.

And it's not just that I mean there are other factors too, like for example the fact that I've been exactly five foot tall for the past two years and I don't see myself suddenly growing half a foot in the next two years, and I'll be damned if that isn't the worst thing that can happen for someone trying to pass as male.

I'm somewhat against speaking to a psychologist or anything like that because of some personal reasons, and obviously I can't just pop into my GP and ask him to refer me to a GDC because the closest one is like an hour and a half away and to get there I'd have to tell my parents and oh my god.

I'm just really confused and other factors are making things more complicated than they should be. If anyone could offer advice or help or anything it'd be honestly appreciated.