To those who are not fully out...

(*hug*)
Don't take it personal, that "come out, find a new job" comment. They are probably saying it on good faith, just trying to help you. Not the best thing to say? Maybe, but that wasn't their intention, wasn't it?
Or do you think they had a secret meeting, and spend hours talking about the best way to tease you?!
Come on...

Not sure if I can say "I cope"... I refuse to wear what you call "a uniform", but I guess I'm lucky here because nowadays even females can shave their heads, wear trousers and so on...
Some of the things I wear attract some unwanted attention, but for some reason nobody at my job dared to make a remark yet. I guess they all assume I'm "just a lesbian", I don't care that much, I'm about to give up the hope I can come out at my workplace some day... :rolle:

One thing is for sure : It's you who must decide how to break out of the circle you are in.
They suggested find a new job or come out. What I'm doing is showing the real me step by step, as gradually as I can. I know it's not the same case, but I don't really know how to help you here, I really wish I could, I'm sorry... :icon_redf

 

I can't imagine coming out at work. I doubt I'd get fired or anything, but it just seems like such a private thing to share with a bunch of people I don't really know that well. I don't want to find a new job, either.

I've been slowly changing some things, like the way I dress, but I think being a transwoman is a lot more difficult in that regard. Cis women have a more freedom in fashion choices (and behaviour) in the West so I can go pretty far without actually having to come out. I'm more or less accepted as one of the "guys" already so it's not much of a leap at this point, but I shy away from saying anything directly.

I haven't even come out entirely to my husband. He knows that I'm bi and that I don't like to conform to gender roles, but I'm not sure how he'd feel about it if I took it any farther, and I'm a little afraid to push it too far. I don't really want to leave, and I don't want him to leave, so yeah. It's not easy.

 

That sounds like a competition... Everyone is different. Not "better than" or "more successful than", just different. And if you compare yourself (or your own "progress") with someone else's you are bound to feel pissed. Feeling pissed or jealous is not going to help you at all.

There is people still in the closet, or not even having any idea about themselves aged 60, and there is people fully out at 15, having to deal with the whole world telling them "it's just a phase".

Just my half cent here...

 

Well hun im not trans and i dont work yet
But like when i want people to know the real me i will just act as to what feels normal to me if they asked someday i can just say
Yeah you got a problem with that?
But coming out dircetly at a work place is not important they are not your family and they dont have the right to know unless they ask and you just have to be honest when they do
So just slowly start showing your inner self act normal and it would really be ok you dont have to come out to them but unless you feel the need to then why not

 

Hey Kasey,

maybe dress slightly more feminine week after week so people won't notice that much? That way your coworkers can slowly get used to your new appearance and won't be shocked/surprised as much.

Good luck!

 

I've never been the kind of person to be vocal about which guys are attractive, and even when I'm out I don't think I'd do that. For the most part theres only two main things that bother me:
-My parents talking about the future
-When people obsessively want me in a relationship. I've had guys repeatedly tell me to
make a move on a girl, and getting shipped. Pisses me off..

 

Yes indeed, it's rude and annoying!

 

I know I'm in a different boat so your mileage may vary...

I have started using as many women's health and beauty products as I can get away with on a daily basis (shampoo, soap, tinted moisturizer, tinted lip balm, clear mascara, eye cream, mud masks, etc.) and have started wearing more colorful and fitted men's clothing when I can't wear women's. I have also started wearing women's "menswear" when I can't get away with obvious women's clothing but am unlikely to run into anyone I know. These are really small, mostly superficial things, but they do actually make me feel a little more comfortable.

As far as the less tangible things go, I try to remind myself that by living with the limitations on expressing my gender that I do, I can openly embrace and enjoy many traditional female roles within my family that I find satisfying and fulfilling that I wouldn't be able to if I were more public with my gender and endangered my marriage. I know how important your career is to you - do you feel like any part of it's importance to you is related to your gender (not saying that it is, just asking)? If so, perhaps focusing not just on what your job means to you overall, but also how it positively reinforces (if it does) your sense of gender may help the mental pros/cons list all of us who are not completely out constantly maintain.

 

@Stacy: Not to hijack this thread, but just out of curiousity, how did your wife take it? Is she OK with you living your gender within the marriage, or does she still prefer to see you as a man?

 

@DragonHerz, It is by far the most difficult issue we face in our marriage. She understands how important it is to me, that it is an integral part of who I am, and supports my seeing a gender therapist, but she does not want to be involved with it at all and wants it to intrude on our life together as little as it possibly can. She most definitely needs to see me as a man. Feel free to message me if you want to talk more!

 

honestly, it's hard to do. It's hard take off my nail polish I wore all weekend, or to not put on the makeup I’ve been wearing. It’s hard to put on my male appropriate business dress to go to a job where everyone sees me as He and Him. I am the only "male" paralegal at my firm (there are about 10 of us), so my presented gender is very noticeable. Worse still is the fact that the kind of law I work in is a very small community of highly specialized professionals, so you cannot just “get another job” without someone at the new job personally knowing someone at your last job. Because I live in MN I cannot be fired, demoted, or withheld promotion/raise for coming out as trans or presenting as female. That’s fine and dandy, assuming they are smart enough to not discriminate, but that doesn’t make it any easier for me come out. Because I haven’t started HRT yet, and my hair is way too short to realistically pull of female (don’t really want to wear a wig), I’m choosing to wait. I’m also choosing to wait because right now is review/raise-evaluation time at our firm and I don’t want them to have me being trans as a reason to not give me a raise (just because it is illegal, doesn’t mean it doesn’t still happen).

I don’t know what the laws are in Mass but if they don’t protect gender identity, it might be worth looking at states that do protect it. Moving sucks, I know, but pretending to be male when you know you are female is far more psychologically damaging. Not sure what kind of work you are in, but maybe moving to a different state would offer a “get a new job” level of freedom that staying in Mass wouldn’t? Just a thought.

 

It's hard. My career is a hyper masculine enviroment, and they know my face.

Like, if I could be stealth I would do it, but I am deathly afraid of going to work and always being outted.

Here's my uniform:
http://i.imgur.com/Tnx5r0j.jpg

It sucks.

Wish I could change careers, I mean mine is really good but not for someone who is LGBT.

Feels like I'm wearing a halloween costume or trying to trick people. It's very dysphoric and I wrestle with it constantly.

 

omg i would never dress something like that for work if it was me i would break the rules paint it pink and orange and go to work ^__^ im just saying a very stupid idea dont mind me

 

no no it's fine, that's just the coveralls everyone has to wear lol.



Oh yeah that's the other thing, since everyone wears the same coveralls, it's hard to get read as female more, facially and bodily.
However, I do have some curves and a chest so I think my body is starting to look a bit more suspect, I try to wear multiple layers to 'smooth' myself out.

My welder cap is super handy for hiding my hair under it, but not showing my hair again takes away some of the femininity.

Side view:
http://i.imgur.com/FfGdxZi.jpg

My normal hair:
http://i.imgur.com/oC34Ww9.jpg

So yeah, it hides it pretty well considering it's reaching my midriff Dx

 

I really appreciate your compliment!

Also I'm sorry... I was losing my mind before, so I know how it feels.

I was even getting desperate...

I'm so sorry ='(

 

Stacy - Thanks for answering. I'm not a full member yet, but maybe I'll PM you when I am. It would be nice to talk with someone who's also trying to make a heteronormative marriage work, but some of our issues aren't something I want to post publicly.

DoriaN - It must be so difficult for you to be in a hyper-masculine environment. I'm the only woman in my department, and I actually find it easier that way because they don't really notice much. I couldn't imagine being in a hyper-feminine environment, I think I'd go mad. Take care of yourself.