At first this feeling made me keep questioning my gender again, but I finally think I know what it is and it sucks. I feel like I can't call myself male, and I don't feel entirely male, just because of my body, and remembering my past and remembering myself as female. And feeling like I'm not allowed to call myself male, and not feeling like you fit in with guys, just because of how you were raised. Its so frustrating and confusing, and making accepting myself hella difficult. Anyone else felt like this?
I feel like that sometimes, it sucks I think you probably just need to work on self-acceptance to get past it
I think this is fairly common for trans* people. I've definitely felt this way plenty of times--having been raised female and been extremely feminine for a long time. I've honestly questioned myself if I'm denying that I'm actually male for this reason (but that's a whole other story). I agree that self-acceptance is the way to go about this, although it's easier said than done. Start embracing your gender identity and remember that being trans* doesn't make it any less real. Removing your past and memories of yourself, if you can envision yourself being cis and happy as that gender, it's probably accurate. Your gender identity is yours to keep. Don't be afraid to own it.
yeah maxis, I have to constantly pretend I've been cis my whole life, that's the only way I can feel at ease. Just sometimes I'll trip up and it's a big slap in the face from reality. Thanks guys, least I'm not alone (*hug*)
I think I understand, or at least something similar. When I say I'm female or get called my female name, then I feel guilty for supposedly tricking people into thinking I'm female when I've been raised male, but I also feel happy that someone is using my female name and thinks I'm female, is that similar?
I understand completely, I'm questioning, and thinking about my past and my body is such a big source of doubt for me- it seems surreal to call myself a guy sometimes. confidence is a big factor for me- I have someone in my life that I am out to that calls me male pronouns whenever she can in private and encourages me and my assures me of my masculinity. I am super grateful to have her. I don't know if you have anyone in your life to be a potential cheerleader for you, but If you can I think it helps after awhile. I do feel left out from my guy friends and their 'bro-talk', and that leaves me angry and frustrated at myself and everyone else. But then I think about female friends, and even though I'm included in their conversation, I always feel like I don't fit in. I guess in that way I kind of convince myself that I probably could fit in with guy conversations, I just become automatically excluded, and that's out of my control so it shouldn't reflect how much of a male I feel inside (even if it does feel like a stab to the chest) And something to bear in mind is that all men are very different and even though a lot of them do or think a certain way- that necessarily doesn't make you any less of a man by thinking a different way. I'm not usually the one giving out advice- but I hope this helps in any way.
So I'm going to take a different approach to this, just for the sake of offering diversified suggestions/ideas. What if, instead of trying to "constantly pretend [you've] been cis [your] whole life" you accepted and proudly embraced the fact that you are a transman? What I mean is, instead of denying the fact that you were born a different sex than you feel inside, why not embrace that part of yourself and be proud of it? You are a very unique individual and you being transgender means that you are extra special. Many cultures around the world and throughout history have heralded those who move beyond typical gender as being more evolved or special. Some Native American tribes would even make that person a sort of shaman, believing that they held a deeper connection with life than those who weren't like them. What is so wrong about being a female-sexed individual who is male-gendered? You will never be able to change your past and you can't go back in time to be born with male parts, but that doesn't have to be a hindrance to your self-expression. I personally believe that humans are evolving beyond a bi-gendered system, because we no longer need those specific roles to continue our species. As such, those who are born "different" and feel a conflict with their sex and gender, aren't "abnormalities" or "mistakes" but are, in fact, the next step in human evolution. I honestly believe that's the reason transgenderism is becoming more prevalent in our world. I think it was always there, but I believe it's happening more and more often. Because of this, I'm choosing to not deny the fact that I was born and raised as a male. I refuse to feel bad for myself because I am transgender, but choose to accept that as a badge of honor. I am able to move beyond gender to more fully express my identity. I will never be a cisgender woman and no amount of pretending it to myself will make it true. I was Robert, and now I am Emma, and I'm proud of that fact. I am proud of my history and refuse to be shamed into thinking there is something "wrong" with me. So, what do you think? have you ever considered this kind of approach? If it frightens you to consider it, perhaps that fear is the same fear that's creating these emotions in you and needs to be faced and allowed. Fear is just your mind trying to protect you, but sometimes that fear hurts more than it protects. no matter what, good luck and know that you are loved
