I am a nongender now (and I think too much)

Hi all, this post might be longer and I am sorry for this. I just need to know your opinion, or maybe I just need to write something what is in my mind.

I was born as a female but I´ve never felt like one. After years of playing with boys, boy-ish roleplays and larps, heavy dysphoria, anxiety and other lovely hints and clues, the idea of me being a transgender finally hit me. It was MASSIVE - well, dunno how to describe it precisely, but you guys here probably have the idea, since you all have been through something like that. So many things just made sense now! I felt so very different, and great - everything was new and shiny. Everything was RIGHT. Oh my, I even started to suspect that I have a sexuality (a thing I´ve found impossible before) and I was more than willing to explore it!
Oh happy days, when all was certain!

Now let´s move few weeks forward. I don´t know what happened. My problem is, I always think too much. And I cannot help it. I started to think now, too. Question myself. As the result, I don´t know who I am (again). Certainly, I am not a female. I hate the mere idea of being a girl/woman. I don´t know how to be a female and I am tired of coordinating my behavior with my appearance. But I don´t know how to be a male. I have no fuckin idea. I don´t understand the rules. I don´t get the part.
I feel like I am stuck in the middle. A perfect nongender person (I don´t even know if this is a right medical term or did I just made it up?).

I need my happy certain days back. I put myself fully into my job so I don´t have to think. I am working after hours and I am scared of free weekends (damn it´s Friday again!).

Is there anyone who understands? Maybe I just need to talk to somebody. But don´t know who would that be.