Trying to understand Genderfluidity

I don't really know how to do this because I've never even considered this type of thing before. I guess the best way to put this is I'm confused. I was born female, and I'm attracted to males. I have a relatively religious family, and although they would support me no matter what, I feel as if my parents wouldn't accept what I'm going through. I've never talked to anyone about this before but I'm scared and kind of confused. Ever since I was really little, too little to even remember, I wanted to be a boy. I would tell my mom at age 2 that I was a boy, I was always trying to dress up like one and pretend to be one, and I identified with that personality. Because I come from a super religious background, my parents never considered transgender, and I was just called a tomboy. I remember one summer when I was only 9 or something, we spent two weeks over with my dad's side of the family in the basic middle of nowhere. I hid all my hair in a baseball hat, wore my brother's clothes, and pretended to be a boy for the entire vacation. My brother went along with it. The weird thing is, it felt really really right. But although I still always played "boy characters" at recess and even would go online and choose boy avatars, I tried not to let anyone see that side of me. Middle school was rough, and I outgrew a lot of the tomboy stuff and began to get in touch with my feminine side. I was bullied and really socially awkward, but I started getting crushes and wearing makeup and losing that tomboy-ness. The beginning of high school I even became confident and made a lot of friends, even had some boyfriends. But because I'm part of the art community, over half of all my friends are queer or trans or pan or gay. And after learning more and more about it, I started to realize that I don't know what I am. I'm attracted to guys, but I've also wanted to be one. But I also like dresses and makeup, but I also sometimes just want to be a guy and wear a suit and tie, so usually I wear gender neutral clothes like jeans and a hoodie. I've always felt this way, and sometimes it depends on my mood but I'm so confused because I don't know who I am anymore. I like being both and I wish I could shapeshift and change whenever I wanted but it doesn't work like that. I would be humiliated to come out to my family like this or anyone for that matter. I wouldn't be able to get a boyfriend as easily, and I would feel really alienated, and there are so many people who could never understand and I don't want to undergo that. But I want to be a boy, and I also want to be a girl, and I don't really know what is going on with me, so I'd be nice to talk with some people who dealt with the same thing and maybe help me understand my emotions. Thanks!

 

It just changes with my mood a lot. One day I feel really feminine but the next day I feel masculine. There are some days where I don't even want to associate with a gender