i'm feeling suicidal

I can't cope with my family for much longer. Today my mum told me about someone my sister heard of whose trans and whose family and friends are really accepting and supportive. I don't know why she told me this because as I pointed out, my family are not like that. It just felt like she was sticking in the knife by making me aware of the life I could have compared with what I've got, as though she was saying 'Yeah, this person's family are really accepting but we're not and we're not going to give you that.' She is constantly telling me I'm 'meant' to be a woman and saying I've never displayed any behaviours of the other gender. It's like my family won't have it that I'm male unless I tick all the stereotypes of the male gender. I'm not allowed to just be me. She also said today that she knows I'll never be an aunt to my brother's and sister's kids but I'll never be an uncle either. That was really hurtful because she knows that I will never be able to have a family of my own. And, she said that even if I transition, she will always refer to me as her 'daughter' because that's what I am, that's what I'm 'supposed' to be.

Sorry that's all jumbled and ranty. I just need to get this off my chest because I'm feeling like I can't cope any more. I went out today and saw every body out shopping in couples and families, and I see things I could buy for Christmas gifts if I had a girlfriend or kids but I know that I'll never have either. Most of the time, I accept that but today is just one of those days where it has all just gotten too much. I've had a reality check getting those comments from my mum and realizing that there is never going to be a happy ending for me. I feel like I have nothing to live for and nothing to lose. I just want this nightmare to be over and to get back at my family for hurting and rejecting me like they have. I guess I want revenge and an end to this. You can guess where I'm going with this. :dead: Please help me. What should I do? I don't want to die really but I can see that I'll never be happy and I'm of no value to anyone or society as a whole so I feel like I should just do everyone a favour and kill myself. :icon_sad:

 

Take deep breaths.

List things that you are looking forward to in the next few days, weeks, months or even years.

Read a book and escape reality.

Make yourself some food and a nice warm drink and listen to music in your room.

Ignore their opinions. Unfortunately not everyone can be accepting. You just have to realise it will take time before everyone will fully understand and accept the minority groups.

If you believe in yourself, you don't need to prove to others. Be yourself and ignore anyone that tells you otherwise. You are better than her, because you are 10 times more awesome and know what you want. Don't let go!

I am here for you, as are many others on this site, because we love you!

Maybe get your own place? Sorry I don't know how old you are, but if this is possible, get a good stable job, find a house etc and start meeting new and exciting people.

You will feel good before you know it. I believe in you too. Be strong, as it will only get better from here!

 

Hi! I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. It's always okay to 'rant' on here, if it helps you. We will always listen to you.

I can't do much about the way your mother treats you. I just hope one day she will understand and you will be able to be yourself.

But here comes the more important part: you really need to get yourself some professional help. Please go talk to a doctor, therapist, psychologist, social worker or anyone who could listen to you and help you (find some help). You don't have to do this on your own. I don't know much about you, but I'm sure there is someone you can talk to. Please, make sure you're save. I'm glad to hear you say that you don't really want to die, because nobody wants you to.

If you ever need to talk, talk to me or start a new thread or anything, but please make sure you'll get some professional help as well.

Keep me updated, I'm worried about you.

Hang in there, I'm sure you will be allright.


We're with you.
(*hug*)

 

Well, you wont be happy with that outlook on life.

We all have value. What is it you love to do? What are your dreams and aspirations? You will be a good uncle to your brothers kids. You have value to pass on to them.

You don't need to bear children in order to have children. My stbxw and I adopted a 12 year old, 3 years ago, mostly from growing to old while waiting for the "right" time to have kids... anyway. Plus, in the near future, it will likely be possible to combine the genetics of 2 people independently of their gender, and create genetic children w/ surrogacy. Who knows what miracles come next from the medical tech community.

Nano-bots to repair, & transform people.

So, hang in there.

 

I don't post here often anymore, but I felt that I should say something.

First, I want to say that your mother is obviously hurting you and that's not right! You deserve much better!! However, this is going to sound crazy but the best thing you could do right now -- for yourself -- is to be the adult and forgive her. I'm not religious nor have I ever been, but one of my favorite quotes is from the Bible and comes in handy when dealing with difficult people who act in a really hurtful way. "Forgive them for they know not what they do". She is convinced she's doing what's best for you, even if she is only convincing herself of that because it's easier to deal with. I know this is a lot easier said than done, and I hope you didn't find this disrespectful or feel like I'm minimizing your problems.

Second, you're of plenty value to society. Your value doesn't lie in how well you fit into society's cookie cutter molds, nor does it lie in material wealth or how big a family you have. Your value is in your personality, your differences and how you treat people. I've seen a lot of posts by you, and from what I can tell you have an interesting personality and you try your best to treat people nicely. That in itself is a lot of value!

I have been as depressed as you are, and I won't give you the whole "it will pass" talk, because I know that means nothing to you right now. You will have to find a way to forgive your family and yourself for whatever you think you've done. I really wish I could offer you some solid advice, but I can't. My wall is open if you ever want to talk, though. I would also really suggest going to therapy if that's a possibility.

This might help you deal with the pain your family gives you.

Finally, it's better that you rant here than keep it all bottled up! (*hug*)

 

I once met an autistic boy who gave me this advice. "Suicide is a very permanent solution to a very temporary problem." I choose to believe that one day I will be happy because there's no point in dying if I don't know what that's like. I've been suicidal too, believe me have I wanted to kill myself. Mr. Anonym, you seem like a good guy, and no matter what anybody says to you as long as you keep a clear picture of who you want to be and strive to be that person it doesn't matter if things are bad now because you will eventually make them better. I won't kill you with ranting, instead I'll tell you a story:
I was eight the first time I confided my gender identity in some one. I didn't even know what trans was at the time; I just wanted to be a female. I told my step father while sitting in the seat beside him in him truck and got punched in the face. I can still here him telling me "if you ever say that again I'll kill you." I can't seem to get it out of my head. After that, he tried to raise me to be what he saw as a "real man." His method of doing so was making me shoot small animals and teaching me to fight. To teach me to fight he'd simply hit me until I hit back, and he when I finally did I went for the eyes or the throat. I tried like hell to kill the man. Seeing as he couldn't kill me with out getting arrested, he stopped hitting me because I was going to kill him. What a fucking manly way to go about it, I tortured myself for fighting back, for wanting to kill him. I thought that made me evil. Simply wanting to be happy made me evil. Everything I did revolved around my gender identity. I had to hide under a tire from a friend of mine I had a crush on in third grade, for god's sake. Of course, eventually the step father was gone after my mother discovered he beat me, but things didn't improve. I spent so much time hating myself that eventually I started to hate the world too. I would look in the mirror at myself and see the fat, gross piece of shit that I had been raised to feel like. I saw facial hair, acne, loneliness, and I believed every time I looked at myself in the mirror that no body would ever love me. I was neurotic, exhausted, overweight, depressed, and even hallucinated once. I wanted to kill myself when the autistic boy I mentioned above impacted me in a way I had never expected anyone could: positively. I did nothing to improve my life though, and instead I believed it would improve itself. After all, my problem was only temporary, right? It took me a year to realize that if I didn't try to change my life it wasn't going to change. By then, however, it was too late. I had repressed so much. I pushed my gender identity into the back of my mind, I denied ever feeling it. Deep down I still hated myself. I though I'd be better off dead, and the world would be better without me. Still, I could here that boys voice. No matter how bad things got I would make them better. The second time I ever told somebody about my gender identity was only a few months ago. My family, unlike so many, has accepted me. Still, though, my father will not believe me. He'd rather blame it on the aspergers I don't have. The first thing my father told me after I came out was that he though I had aspergers and that's why I'd never had a girlfriend. This theory is hilariously flawed, sense I've preferred men ever sense it was possible to have a preference, but there it is. I've chosen however, like anybody can choose, not to let him drag me down. Yes, I love my father, but the man will never understand or accept me. And you know what, that's fine, because his denial doesn't change my opinion of who I am. I will strive to achieve happiness whether or not it's one my father is willing to accept, because I know things will get better if I work for it. I know I will be happy, and I know we can all be happy. We have no weakness beyond what is perceived. So listen to the small autistic boys silly advice:
"Suicide is a very permanent solution to a very temporary problem."

 

I always found it helpful to remember that my parents' issues usually had more to do with themselves than with me. Some people just find it difficult to be loving and supportive, due to some deficiency in themselves. There's no reason to ruin your own life because your mom is having difficulty being a good parent.

There's no reason why you can't find a girlfriend, and even have kids. There are plenty of homosexual couples who are excellent, loving, and supportive parents, whether they had a hand in the conception of their children or not.

 

Thanks everyone for your kind replies. Since I posted last I have been trying to watch TV, made myself a hot chocolate and I've been texting my friend. He's the only friend I have and he does support me but I don't feel able to dump too much on him and tell him that I was feeling suicidal. Still, it helps a little to be able to talk with someone who isn't fighting me all the time and luckily, the feelings have passed. I'm ok(ish) for the moment, so don't worry about me.

I do have a counsellor but it's been a while since my last appointment and I have other healthcare professionals who support me. I can't call them out of hours so I have some back up medication I'm to take if things get too bad but I just let things get on top of me today and panicked because I didn't have a plan in place should this happen. I suppose this was a wake up call. I'm unhappy and I need to make changes. I wish I had a support network :icon_sad:

 

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better, and it's good to know you have help available! (*hug*)

 

I'm really not attractive. I'm 5ft 3, I have bad skin from years of acne and I have very feminine facial features. I'm never going to make an attractive man so I don't expect to find a girlfriend. I'm usually ok with this. I've even advised other people to focus on other aspects of their life as I normally do but today, like I said it just got to me.

 

Stop listening to your mother, and don't talk to her about that subject anymore. Just stop doing it. Most mothers think that their daughters are like their "life projects", they want to see themselves reflected in you and will do anything to turn you into... Well, "themselves but better". Not every mother is like that, but from what I've heard, in the case of transmen, it's the mother who makes all the aggro, fathers seem to be much more accepting.

So you are not on your own here, trust me.

Just ignore her and her opinion. She'll change her mind later, and if she can't do it, it's her problem, not yours. You did nothing wrong by being honest about yourself. I spend my youth telling lies to everyone and hidding how I felt, and I regret it deeply, I feel like I've wasted my best years. So you are first brave, (and this world needs brave people!!) second you came here and you told us, and I know it wasn't "just desperation" : There is something inside of you that knows instinctively what's good for you and looks for it. Be proud of having that.

At times we can be our worst enemy, but also our best friend. You'll never leave yourself, or cheat yourself, think about it... Stop listening to people that is deaf and blind by their own selfish motives. Look at what's inside of you. You've got a treasure there: You are the lock and you are the key. Go and open it, it's there for you.

The best thing you can do now is to disconnect from your mother. Try to spend more time outside with friends, or simply go for walks. Try to empty your mind, just stop thinking.
You sound like you need a break, so give it a try!

 

Sounds a lot like my family.

Almost identical.

My mom told me she thinks I will be abused and have trouble passing saying that right now I do not. That I'll always be her baby boy, and she absolutely refuses to talk about orientation or anything.

My father is even worse, he thinks I'm confused and demon possessed. Which my mother thinks is ridiculous, but it's not exactly comforting being the family demon child.

They both straight up said they would never accept me as their daughter... mostly my father.

So yeah, I understand a bit, it sucks. I have those days where I look at people in public and cringe, why can't I have that?

Right now my plan is to move out, finish transitioning, and let them come to /me/. Idk if you are already out of your parent's household, but it might be a good idea to get space.

It sucks because we love our parents and want to make them proud, but this guilt, shame, depression, anxiety, and self-loathing gets to be too much at times...

I'm so sorry, I wish I could help! I'm still sorting this out myself, and it's so so rough Dx
Jesus bless! I wish I could help.

 

I'm sorry your family is not accepting. I assume there are things you'd like to tell your mom but cannot. What's been helping me is some kind of a "meditation" when I just sit down, calm myself, imagine my mom to be sitting in front of me and I tell her everything I'm afraid to tell her in person. I try not to be angry with her though. Maybe it's stupid but I believe that there are ways how the universe will convey my message and make her to understand. :icon_wink

 

I never bring up the subject of my gender with my mum anymore. I've learned it gets us nowhere but I haven't managed to refrain from biting back when she makes some dumb and hurtful comment about it. I have tried to cut myself out of their life but this weekend, I was sorting through all of my childhood toys and stuff and I slipped back into wanting a connection with them. It has been a long long time since I had a good relationship with my parents. In fact I don't know if I ever did but I always seem to look back on the past with rose tinted specs and feel that my childhood was the closest I've ever been to being part of a real family, before it became clear to me that my parents were not happily married and that I had to fulfill their expectations. I need to distance myself from them and I have been but I still crave a connection with them, to be part of a family and have people that love me. Instead, I can only be loved for who people want me to be, not as myself

 

I too feel like my life will be an unhappy ending, and that I will never get a girl. I think about all the cis gendered males who have great lives and girlfriends and I just feel so hurt inside that I can never have that. At least they can have a future with a wife and children, which I will never be able to give her. Nevertheless, I will still continue to carry on. Don't give up, if your family can't accept you, you may have to find a way to move on or perhaps try and rebuild your life, whether they support you or not. Just be yourself, and don't let anyone change you.

 

Listen, you are absolutely great. I'm going to tell you about what kept me alive.
If you can't live for yourself, live for me, or live for a friend, or just simply a tree that you've walked past many times. You are very important, and I'm sure people would miss you, and you would miss someone or something too. Speak with a therapist about this, please, just don't kill yourself. I'm here to talk to you if you want, and I'm sure a lot of others are too.

You are important. Remember that.

 

That is the crucial thing she needs to do: let go of her expectations of what she wants you to be, and let you grow and flower into the person you want to be. Actually, this is something parents of all kids need to do, it's universal.

Remember to call for help on a helpline, if you feel you are at risk. Hang in there. Remember that there are many here who truly understand what you are going through - especially the trans folks - so there are actually people who care and understand, so remember that! Life will get better, you know...you won't have to live with your folks forever, right? Hang in there, and make use of ec whenever you need it!
(&&&)

 

Thanks again for your support. It means a lot. Today got off to a bad start. I was supposed to meet my social inclusion worker but I told him I was sick. The truth was I was too depressed to even leave the house. I don't know why I am so down all of a sudden. The shark week is almost out and this is normally the best time of the month because it's the furthest from the next shark attack but I feel really crap.

 

I heard something that struck me here. "All the cis gendered who have great lives and girlfriends..." I think it's not unreasonable to say that nobody has a great life. Everybody is unsatisfied with who they are in one way or another. We trans folk have a gift, however, we can change to become satisfied with who we are. While so many cis people have problems that truly are unchangeable, we're in the midst of a change that could make us happy for the rest of our lives. Sure, it's a long ways away, and for the moment we must suffer worse than most cis gender people, but on the other hand we are so much more sure of who we are and that gives us a strength that nobody in history has had the opportunity to obtain.

 

Wow. Never thought of it like that. Thank you.