Some Questions for Genderfluid People

1. I know because I am in a male mindset one day and female the next. One day, i will like rough-and-tough speech, suits, and ties, but others, I will like dresses, pink, and braiding my hair.
2. How do I feel? Oh, 'tis marvelous. I feel perfect being who I am. However, others do not feel the same way.
3. I lean toward female, because that was the way I was raised. My mother does not allow much else. I use they/them/their pronouns, if I am able to, but my assigned sex sometimes has to do for legal documents and such. I wish I could change it, I really do.
4. I express it through my clothing first. I have a very large chest (42DDD), so I wear larger clothes to mask that, as well as a suit jacket. It works out very well. I also take down my hair (it's shoulder-length) and smooth it back. For mannerisms, I keep everything more open and relaxed, and use street talk instead of my formal speech, much like I use here.
5. 'Tis a hard thing to explain, no less. I wrote a poem titled "Pseudogender" (this is a tiny piece):
I change as fast as a river,
Not quite a boy or girl
My name is X inside my head
But x-x to the world.
I tell them that I'm "neither", when they ask about my gender. Usually who I'm attracted to gets in there somehow, and I simply say "both". But the poem...the poem is what explains everything. It does a darn good job in rhyme, too.

Thank you for wanting to get to know more about us!

 

I identify as genderqueer but I could also use genderfluid.

The closest I came to defining myself in high school was "that flaming gay stereotype femmeboy in a girls body", so that. The fluid part or queer part, I guess would come from not always feeling that way. There are days I feel like a girly girl, tomboy, outright dude, etc. Most of the time I'm just somewhere in the middle though. I don't know what you mean by "what do you feel"? I guess I do lean more feminine most of the time? Any gender neutral pronoun is good for me, although most of the time I don't mind feminine pronouns. Expression changes, either because my gender changes or because of the people around. Some days I make a concentrated effort to come off as masculine as possible other days I don't. I like to keep my hair short and unisex, I very rarely wear make up or heels. Sometimes I bind my chest.

^ This is how I explain it.

P.S. Toronto!!! ♥ I'm originally from the GTA and Barrie!

 

You might have a look here:
http://emptyclosets.com/forum/gender-identity-expression/155543-not-female-not-male-but.html#2


(*hug*)

 

How do you know that you're genderfluid? How did you realize that? (What were the clues?)
Well I actually thought I was bipolar for the longest time. I would be perfectly fine one day, and then the next day I would hate myself. And just never felt comfortable in my own skin. I always have had weight issues, and then busty girl problems, so I just always thought it was that.
What do you feel, as someone who's genderfluid?
Mostly relieved! I've felt this way since I was about 8 or 9, but just now learned the term about 3 years ago and started identifying as gf for maybe....4 months now? Finding out my body dysphoria is linked to something a bit more complicated then "Oh, every girl hates their boobs" is such a nice feeling. I was always like "No, it is a bigger deal than just that!!" and I felt like no one has ever taking my need for breast reduction seriously.
Do you have a gender you lean toward? What pronouns do you use?
I was assigned female at birth, and with freaking huge boobs, it's just easier to stick with female to most people, and use fm pronouns (for now). I am getting a breast reduction ASAP, and am currently getting healthy/ losing weight. So once I feel like I could actually pass as male, I will most likely ask to be called my preferred name (I have a very female birth name) full-time, and use male terms if I am dressed more masculine.
How do you express your gender? (ex. clothing, hairstyles, mannerisms, etc.)
My clothing is mostly feminine, but I do have the odd plaid pearl snap over a ribbed tank outfit. My hair is short and pretty boyish, although I purposefully part/ comb it down, which makes it seem more feminine than if I let it run wild. I walk/ sit/ eat/ usually talk manly. But I bite my nails and smoke cigarettes like a girl, and talk way girly when I get excited.
How do you explain it to people who may not understand?
I haven't actually had to sit down and explain it to anyone, since I've only really came out to one person, and it was casual/ she is hyper-aware of gender and orientation terms. I'm considering coming out to my roommate, best friend, and maybe my sister. So I'll update if that happens soon.

(!) That was really fun to fill out. I hope to enjoy reading everyone else's responses too. Plus meeting genderfluid people all in one place

 

How do you know that you're genderfluid? How did you realize that? (What were the clues?)

The idea that sometimes I feel female and male pronouns and stuff make me uncomfortable, sometimes I feel male and female pronouns make me uncomfortable, sometimes neither fit and I feel either agender or androgyne. Sometimes I feel more like one than the other.

What do you feel, as someone who's genderfluid?

Sometimes I feel very dysphoric and trapped and uncomfortable and broken and horrible but other times I feel fine. I often feel very confused.

Do you have a gender you lean toward? What pronouns do you use?

I lean more towards female generally. I ask my friends, who are currently only online, to use 'xe' pronouns as they're generally neutral but I use whichever gendered pronouns I feel like when referring to myself.

How do you express your gender? (ex. clothing, hairstyles, mannerisms, etc.)
How do you explain it to people who may not understand?

I am growing my hair out really long and I tend to use more androgynous mannerisms nowadays, but also more masc when male and more fem when female.

 

Well, me and genderfluid just "clicked". I figured that I felt like different genders over the time, so I googled if it was possible, and genderfluid (and other things, but it was the one I felt like) came up. After that I didn't feel like a freak anymore. I've always known I'm different in some way, it just took some time to figure out.
Some clues? Hm... Well, I remember this one time as a kid when I was walking side by side with my mom. I wore a pair of red "boy boardshorts" with a white tank top and I just kept asking her "I look like a boy right? People will think I'm a boy? I could be a boy, right mom?" - The thought of being able to be "both" genders were heavenly to me.

How do I feel? Well, I've never known how other people feel... So, normal? But no, I don't feel normal. We are pretty rare after all. But I wouldn't become cisgender for all the moeny in the world. It would be like cutting off a leg that just hurts horribly about 50% of the time. Dysphoria sucks, but I learn to deal with it better everyday I have it.

Well, I'm mostly male, two genders or a mix of two genders. It's very rare for me to be entirely female, but it happens sometimes. Even though this, I use female pronouns, because I'm not out yet. I don't know how I'll do in the future, we'll see.

I have short hair, with a kind of androgynous look to it. I dress a lot in "girl clothes" because I was raised to be a girl, because I have a female body, so I natrually have those kind of clothes. But I'm trying to dress kind of andrognynous or as close to manly as I can.
I just act like I feel. If I'm a masculine guy I will act that way, but I'm not trying to act like other guys I see because I am a gentleman, they're not. If I'm a feminie girl I will act that way, but not like the other girls I see becuase they just talk about hot guys, make up etc, I don't. I know my friends like my feminine side more, because they want to hang out with me more then. But hah, who cares about them?
I use a higher voice when I feel more female, a deeper voice when I'm male, and something in the middle when I'm - well, something in the middle. (Thank god, I have the voice I have.)

In the fututre, when I'm out, I dont feel like I'm going to have to tell a lot of people besides my friends and family. But if they don't understand I'm glad to sit down and explain that there are more than two genders and I flow like a waterstream between most of them.

Shoot, this got long... K, bye!

 

This is a question of genuine curiosity so I hope it doesn't offend. I am wondering, how is being genderfluid or bigender different from just feeling a little more masculine or a little more feminine on a given day? I feel like some days my masculine side shows more and other days my feminine side, but I don't consider that to be two distinct parts of me just you know, being human. Do most people who are genderfluid or bigender have dysphoria on the days they feel like they aren't matching with their assigned gender? Is it that there are more extreme shifts from very masculine to very feminine? How would you qualify someone as genderfluid vs. someone who just doesn't always feel particularly masculine or feminine?

 

Asking questions won't offend

The difference is between gender expression and gender identity, I believe. Gender expression is feeling masculine or feminine (as opposed to male or female) and how you present that, so you can feel masculine and still identify as female, feel no dysphoria etc. When I, using myself as an example here but it will be different for others, feel female, I often feel dysphoric, trapped etc. I identify as female rather than male and very much wish I had a female body, envy people who do have female bodies etc.

 

"I know because I am in a male mindset one day and female the next. One day, i will like rough-and-tough speech, suits, and ties, but others, I will like dresses, pink, and braiding my hair."

"I express it through my clothing first. I have a very large chest (42DDD), so I wear larger clothes to mask that, as well as a suit jacket. It works out very well. I also take down my hair (it's shoulder-length) and smooth it back. For mannerisms, I keep everything more open and relaxed, and use street talk instead of my formal speech, much like I use here."

Why are you defining what it means to be "male" or "female" based on stereotypes? MEN and BOYS can like pink and braid their hair. WOMEN and GIRLS can like suits and have relaxed mannerisms. It's fine if you oscillate between mannerisms and fashion, but please don't make it about gender.

There's nothing innately "female" about wearing heels, for example, and nothing innately "male" about slicking back your hair. The only reason why these practices are categorized as manifestations of gender is because of societal expectations and mandates.

You're stereotyping males and females; reinforcing gender roles and prescriptions. Please know that this leads society to view people through a restrictive lens that ignores their many dimensions. Fashion, demeanor, language uses, and mannerisms having everything to do with who YOU are and nothing to to with being MALE or FEMALE or a MAN or WOMAN.

 

How do you know that you're genderfluid? How did you realize that? (What were the clues?)
I know I'm genderfluid because sometimes I feel male, sometimes I feel female, and sometimes I feel something in between. I experience dysphoria, so that was a clear clue that I wasn't cis. I realized I was genderfluid specifically because though there were days I had terrible dysphoria and felt 100% male, there were still plenty of days where I felt more in between or even female.
What do you feel, as someone who's genderfluid?
Dysphoria sucks. But other than that, I feel good about it. It's part of who I am, and I wouldn't change it even if I could.
Do you have a gender you lean toward? What pronouns do you use?
I definitely lean towards male. I use they pronouns for convenience, but I would rather be able to switch between they and he (and sometimes she).
How do you express your gender? (ex. clothing, hairstyles, mannerisms, etc.)
I cut my hair short because having long hair contributed to the dysphoria. I dress however I like whenever I like (which usually is fairly androgynous), but I tend to lean towards more typically male clothing when I feel male. I bind. I tend to adopt more masculine mannerisms and make an effort to lower my voice.
How do you explain it to people who may not understand?
Honestly, I don't try to explain it to people But if I did, I would just say that sometimes I feel male, sometimes I feel female, and sometimes I feel something else.

---------- Post added 20th Nov 2014 at 05:06 PM ----------

I highly doubt that anyone here came to the conclusion that they were genderfluid just because they change their mannerisms and fashion. That is not what gender is, and we are aware of that.

I know I am male, not because I like suits, but because the label "girl" or "woman" feels intensely uncomfortable. Being seen as female makes me intensely uncomfortable. My chest makes me intensely uncomfortable. I am not a woman. That is not who I am; that is not how I was meant to be born.

When I am female, I know I am female because the label feels comfortable. The way people see me feels comfortable. My body feels comfortable.

Above all else, it is because I KNOW. I can feel it. I know what it feels like for me to feel one gender or the other. Now, I know that you are a person who does not believe in gender. Yes, gender is a social construct, but that doesn't mean it isn't real. It has been ingrained in our society for so long that you cannot just pretend it doesn't exist. So let's assume it is real, because society has made it real. I would argue that is an innate feeling. That is how I experience my gender. I know am a certain gender because I feel it. So, we may use stereotypes as indicators (personally, I do tend to conform to more masculine stereotypes when I feel male, but I certainly have days when that is not the case), but ultimately, that's not how we know what our gender is. Gender goes beyond just conforming to different stereotypes on different days, and you cannot assume that, just because someone uses stereotypes as an indicator of their gender, that is the only way they are defining their gender.

I know stereotypes are not true. I know gender roles are shitty. In fact, I (and many other genderfluid people) probably know that better than most people. It sucks to have people assume you are not male just because you do not conform to masculine stereotypes. It sucks to know that unless I dress perfectly stereotypically male, I will always be seen as female. But sometimes conforming to stereotypes is a vital part of reducing dysphoria. Even on days when I don't feel like wearing stereotypically masculine clothes, if I am male, it feels really awful for everyone to think I am female. So yes, I will express my gender by acting stereotypically masculine, because whether I like it or not, stereotypes are a part of our society, and if I want people to see me as male, I have to 'look like a guy'.

So please leave your inflammatory comments about stereotypes out of our discussion about our genderfluidity. We know that our gender goes well beyond whether or not we conform to stereotypes, but that does not mean they do not play a role in our experience.

 

Thanks for explaining. I find some of these things a little hard to wrap my head around but you outlined it quite well. So the difference here is masculinity and femininity vs. maleness and femaleness, then?

 

Pretty much. So whereas you when you feel masculine still identify as female, I, when I feel female, I identify as female, not male.

 

So for you, your "gender" is the body type you wish to have (like female or male)? It was my impression that gender was separate from biological sex (either existing or wished for). That, I would regard as real and tangible, not a social construct. I wasn't trying to offend anyone. I just have a deep loathing for stereotypes, gender roles, and gender prescriptions and it really bothers me when people say certain things are "girl things" and certain things are "boy things." The majority of people define gender by one's interests/mannerisms/dress, and that's incorrect because they just happen to like those things, it's not BECAUSE of some gender.

Just because it's "been ingrained in society for so long" doesn't mean we can't work to eradicate it.

 

Well, thank you for that.

You just showed me that I have to pick one. "MALE or FEMALE; MAN or WOMAN".

My reinforcement of stereotypical behavior derives from the notion that I have a neurodevelopmental disorder known as autism, and thus cannot differentiate between stereotypes and actual, observed behaviors. Fun fact: an autistic person's self-stimulatory behavior is often called "stereotypied" behavior.

Do you think this is a petty game? I have noted that you are my age, but perhaps not at my level of thinking. Typically, it is the majority that feels as though gender can just be pushed aside as though it does not exist. Typically, it is the female sex that feels as though she rules the world. Typically, it is the overdone tumblr feminist that calls out an autistic person for being autistic.

With that, my dear, I take my leave.

 

There are technically only three sexes: male (penis), female (vagina), and intersex (some of both). I'm not saying this has to mean anything to someone or that they don't have the right to change it. And I didn't call you out for being autisitc, you did. I wouldn't have even known. I'm not psychic. Your condescending attitude is very rude, I can assure you I think more deeply about things than most people my age. Most people don't give a second thought to "gender."

I don't know what world you live in, but "the female sex" doesn't believe she rules she world, however women would like equality. Most countries are patriarchies (even America and developed European nations), and even with the rights and respect women have gained, just look at politics, high-level business positions, and the film industry.

Your view on "the female sex" is highly misogynist, sexist, and generalized. What you are saying is very offensive. If some "Tumblr feminist" is jumping on you for the hateful words you are spouting, it is probably because they're so vitriolic.

 

Gender is certainly more to me than just the body I want, but for me it certainly is a part of it. I suppose if you ask different people they may say different things, but I certainly say that my desired biological sex is a part of how I define my gender. That aspect of gender is certainly real. Other aspects of gender are definitely a social construct.

I apologize if I came across as confrontational. I too hate stereotypes and gender roles. They are a part of how I express my gender because they are such a part of society that it is a necessity. However, I certainly agree that gender roles and stereotypes should be abolished.

That being said, though I can understand where you are coming from, I don't think abolishing gender as a whole is necessarily the solution. At the very least, I don't think it is doable. I would argue for the approach of trying to abolish stereotypes, gender roles and all the other assumptions that come with gender. That might essentially abolish gender as well, but I personally feel like there is more to my gender than the stereotypes it is associated with. I feel like I would still have a gender even if these stereotypes did not exist, but of course, this is something I cannot know.