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Identity Crisis Maybe?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by silentscorpio, Nov 22, 2014.

  1. silentscorpio

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    So, there's been a lot of thoughts racing around in my head and I don't really feel entirely comfortable so please excuse this long post, I could condense it if I really wanted I just feel like I need to get it ALL out. The most important stuff is the last several paragraphs so if you feel like not reading everything that's cool. Just thought I'd present the whole story. This will be the first time I'm letting out all of my thoughts to someone other than myself so...sorry. :/

    So I have been a transitioned female to male transsexual for about 4 years. I have been on hormones for about 4 years and I've had top surgery and I've reached a point where my body is exactly where I want it to be. I have no need or want for bottom surgery and once it comes time to become a parent, I plan to conceive at least one child as long as things are able to start back up again.

    Lately though I've questioning my identity. Everything I've done so far I'm incredibly happy with and I feel like now that my body is where it needs to be at I'm ready to actually be myself entirely.

    About a yearish ago I started having dreams that I was wearing the Dorothy costume my grandma made me when I was a child. Sometimes the dreams would be me dressing in very feminine clothing and I was so happy in these dreams. This was very haunting to me because I started thinking, "Did I make the wrong decision?" I did a lot of thinking on this and eventually I realized that I was jumping out of one box and in to another. Now that I was living as male I was trying to fulfill society's expectation of me as a male. Once I figured out that just because I'm male doesn't mean I have to restrict myself from expressing myself. I went shopping for clothes in the women's section and I was happy with myself again.

    Lately, some similar things are happening again. I have met several genderqueer and genderfluid people and I'm starting to question my identity. I'm having a greater longing to dress much more feminine some of the time. A couple years ago I started identifying as specifically a trans male rather than male because I don't feel like male really encompasses my gender identity. I've been thinking about this a lot and I've brought up some of my thoughts to my boyfriend but I haven't really felt comfortable enough talking to anyone I know about it.

    Now where my identity crisis comes in I'm not really sure how to explain so I'll do my best.

    I seem to be a naturally androgynous person. I've actually been described as appearing androgynous for a lot of my life. I still sometimes get called 'she' by people who have no clue I'm trans and don't know my history. It doesn't matter if they see me in person where I'm presenting as male or talking to me on phone where I guess my voice is still even after 4 years still fairly feminine.

    When I am accidentally referred to as female by people who don't know that I'm trans and just mistake me as female I don't really feel any gender dysphoria. Maybe a little disappointed sometimes but usually I don't really care and don't really bother to correct them because I'm super shy. People who DO know that I go by male pronouns and make a mistake I feel more upset by it.

    If I think about the possibility that I may be more non-binary I wonder then why is it that I don't take offense to male pronouns while I prefer to not be referred to as female? I don't like that my driver's license still must say 'F' and I always use my passport card that has been legally changed to 'M'. When I think of the possibility of being non-binary I'm not sure how I feel being referred to with gender neutral pronouns. I do know someone who says we'll know which pronoun to use based upon their appearance and this is something that has appealed to me. I also wonder if my rejection of female gender markers and pronouns might have sometime to do with being raised as a female and therefore resenting it because I knew I wasn't female.

    I don't like to associate with things as having genders. I don't like thinking of colors, clothes, activities, etc., as being male or female. This is where I really start to get confused with myself because I feel that males should be able to wear makeup and dresses and not be expected to be referred to as male. However, when I do this I don't really feel male at the time. I don't do this a lot, it's usually sexual in nature when I do or for party purposes and some people will then start to call me 'she' basically in a joking sense and this is the only time when people who know I identify as male and call me 'she' can do it without me being offended.

    I don't think my tendencies to want to express myself as more feminine is purely sexual like I thought it was. I would like to be able to go about my day or to a party and feel like I can dress up in a skirt and a wig. I'm encouraged by this since even when I present as male, people sometimes still see me as female. Knowing that I am not one to encourage gender stereotypes and yet my personal feelings on how I'm presenting are maybe coincidentally abiding by gender stereotypes leave me confused.

    I've been afraid to express my feelings to anyone because I don't want people thinking that I believe that males must dress a certain way and females must dress a certain way because I don't feel that way. I feel that for me personally, how I present just happens to be a more a stereotypical male or female way.

    Also, going through the transition and having my family and friends switch pronouns I feel like I shouldn't be like, "Oh wait, I got it wrong I'm actually ____" I'm also happy most of the time living as male. I just think sometimes I might be female and want to express myself in how I am happy doing that. I think the fact that it's something that's been thought consuming is because I haven't been able to express that aspect of myself. Sometimes I also feel like the only way to describe my gender is just simply through my name. The only label I really "need" I guess, but I feel like that's just kind of my way of getting out of identifying as anything but I do feel like...I think through typing this all out that there is a gender binary in me. I don't feel genderless but I don't think I feel male 100%.

    I've also been really afraid to talk to anyone I know who would probably be able to help me because I feel like how binary I am, I'm afraid that I'm going to be coming across as not understanding anything and being offensive or whatever. So I'm not really sure where to turn to other than here.

    I also have really bad social anxiety so I'm afraid that if I start telling people that I'm questioning my identity they'll just think I'm being fake or something. I'm even terrified of that on here. Sooo yeah. That's where I'm at right now. I know what the pieces of myself are I just don't know how to put them together...or something like that. I've also seen a lot of pretty heated arguments over terms and definitions so I'm afraid to try anything on for fear that someone is going to tell me I'm doing it wrong. I'm kind of a person that has to try things on before I know if it's going to work...

    I appreciate everyone who bothered to read this and help me out. I feel like a terrible person for making such a long post, I just don't have anyone else to go to that I feel emotionally safe doing it.
     
  2. Michael

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    I don't think so, and you'll see later why (you answered yourself later on the post, I think)
    The dream could mean that you need to express your feminine side. There is nothing wrong with that, think about cross-dressers, they are still men, a lot of them straight, married and with children, that express themselves through clothing and make up. I think it's normal.

    What does "male" mean to you? Do you think that to call yourself male means you are not allowed to cross dress or have "feminine feelings"? Do you feel like being male forces you to give up on those things? Is your boyfriend really ok with your gender, or just "tolerant"?


    This can be very confusing for yourself, if you don't pass 100% you are almost doomed to have such doubts. Is there any chance to change your hormon plan, or even change your doctor?


    This is the answer to your first question, wondering if you made the wrong decission. You obviously did not, because you want to be perceived as a male.

    You did well coming here. People have been really caring and understanding with me and my silly doubts, same with everyone coming here from advice. You are not on your own (*hug*)

    It seems to me that you are repressing your "feminine side", and also feel very anxious about what others expect from you. You don't need to perfectly fit or qualify for any label, just do whatever makes you happy and forget about the people and their opinions. You want to be perceived as male, but from time to time feel like wearing a dress... What's wrong about that? Does that make you less of a "man"? Don't think so... I think that repression is harmful, and can lead you to mental problems on the long run, so never repress yourself!

    Another interesting point was that you, after 4 years, don't seem to pass very well. Be aware that this is going to affect you. If I were you I'd try to change my hormons and/or my doctor, because if you went through it you wanted obviously a good result, which you don't seem to get with your actual treatement. I'm not an expert, but if you don't pass there must be something wrong there.
    (*hug*)
     
  3. silentscorpio

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    You're right, I think I have been repressing my feminine side. I've slowly been much more straightforward with my boyfriend in my conflicts with my gender and he has simply encouraged me to reach out to those who can help me. He's pansexual so whichever gender or gender(s) I am I know he will be fine with it. He has been only supportive when I have expressed my confusion.

    I think what keeps me from passing is my voice especially on the phone. I haven't done a recording in ages to hear how it's changed but I know I do tend to raise my voice a little bit. I feel like when I look in the mirror I look male, especially when I go a while not shaving but I think my features are fairly androgynous so that might through people off when they hear me talk. One of my supervisors who doesn't know I'm trans was actually using both he and she pronouns in the same sentence when referring to me and he seemed confused on which to use since I could go either way. I was actually amused by this and in some ways I think I enjoyed being able to pass off as either.

    As far as my hormone dosage, we've worked with a dose that keeps my levels at the typical cis-male level and when I was taking more than I am now my testosterone levels were high and I was extra angry and emotional. Where I'm at now is a point where I'm much more comfortable. So I feel like I'm naturally androgynous. Which I'm perfectly fine with.

    Even while understanding that appearance isn't a definition of gender but rather a person's own expression of gender, I don't know if dressing much more feminine is a way for me to express my male gender or if it is an expression of a female gender that I may still have. I knew a person that like 80% of the time felt more male than female but some of the time felt female. I think that probably describes me, but due to my fear of societal instilling gender stereotypes I'm afraid of claiming to be female part of the time when I'm really unknowingly ashamed of presenting as male in a feminine way. Which makes me want to just not identify as either gender. I almost feel like I'm over thinking it based on my fears of how others would react and should just do what feels right and then I'll have my answer.

    Thank you for responding especially so in depth. I think I've got some of my thoughts cleared up. I think what I'll do next is just tell my boyfriend I need to start just trying some things on and seeing what happens and I think I'll reach out to some people I've been afraid to.

    ---------- Post added 23rd Nov 2014 at 11:35 AM ----------


    Ahh thank you. I had poked around for some threads before I made one but I didn't find these. Very helpful! I think I'm establishing that my gender is definitely not strictly male but I'm not sure if it's one that changes around from male to female or one that is outside the binary and doesn't change. Or somewhere between those...
     
  4. jay777

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